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In bed the other day with The Peacock, I read him the two chapters of my book that are about him: the chapter about how, 11 months, two weeks and three days into a year-long celibacy vow, we met at a work event and began an incredibly sexually charged one-month affair; and the chapter about how that affair ended because he slut-shamed me.
We talked about what I’d written. He apologised again, and I said, again, that I forgive him. He didn’t take his eyes off me as I read. His gaze is always unwavering in its attention. He said: ‘You’re an incredible writer.’ A lot of blokes I’ve been with get a bit weird about dating a woman both fulfilled by her career and pretty good at it. Like they’re less needed because there’s something other than them that feeds me. But for The Peacock, it’s the draw. He tells me repeatedly: ‘I’m, like, proud to know you.’ Which is nice.
Talk then turned to marketing, which is what he does. He showed off about what he knows and how he can help me and that talk continued all day. Later on, we had a lazy shag, a nap, and then watched marketing videos on YouTube together. ‘I love that I can share this with you,’ he said to me, our faces lit only by the screen of his phone.
A lot of blokes get a bit weird about dating a woman both fulfilled by her career and good at it
It’s only after some subsequent drinks with another man – The Sexy Geek, a one-time date turned friend – that it hits me: The Peacock and me, we don’t talk about anything but work. Over three large glasses of red, The Sexy Geek and I traverse the emotional landscape of yes, sometimes work, because it’s how we spend our days, but we also talk about our feelings, music, books, friends. We make jokes and fool about and giggle. It’s fun, in a very different way. I can’t help but compare that to The Peacock, who even over text focuses on how busy he is, his meeting schedule that day, how he has to work the weekend but, because he loves it, he doesn’t mind.
I realise: we’re not dating. We’re basically colleagues. We met at a work event, after all.
What I’ve said repeatedly about The Peacock is that his brain is seductive. The way he sees patterns, makes connections, it makes me think about the world in a different way and I love the challenge of that. I like the way I have to stretch my intellect in his company. He gets excited when he helps me to understand stuff: ‘I live for that look,’ he tells me. ‘That’s why I mentor start-ups. For that look.’
But. I’m not a start-up. I’m not a business,or a co-worker. I’m a woman, looking for the love of a man. And I just don’t think The Peacock is gonna love anybody as much as he loves his job.
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