My holiday job when home from uni was at a nursery; I flew out to Canada to meet my best friend’s baby before she was two months old; and I am always available to babysit – Peppa Pig is my homegirl. I’m not the sort of person who feels deflated or let down when a friend announces their pregnancy – I’m always genuinely thrilled (not least at the chance to buy teeny, tiny shoes) and many of my happiest days out have involved petting zoos and seaside trips with mini companions. But – at the risk of sounding like a guy in the pub beginning a rant with ‘I’m not racist, but…’ – but… we’re not inviting any children to our wedding. Not even our nephew.
There will be no crawling under the tables of our wedding breakfast, or ground-up cake smushed into the carpets of our reception. No tiny couple tearing up the dance floor or skidding on the knees of their suit trousers while their mum shouts at them. Most importantly, no friends leaving early because their kid is flagging.
People tend to fall firmly on either side of the fence when it comes to wee ones at weddings. There are those who admonish, watery-eyed: ‘but it’s not a wedding without children!’. (Mate, look at this dress, witness my husband. This is a wedding.) Then there are those – generally the ones with toddlers – who grasp my shoulders and breathe: ‘oh thank god. I’ve got a sitter on speed-dial.’
I’m sure there are a handful who feel that they may not agree but don’t want to interfere in our big day too, so for them rather than the militant mothers, I give you our reasons:
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We miss our friends. That’s not to say parent friends aren’t still a joy to spend time with, and we don’t relish the chance to cuddle their babies (and then give them back at the first whiff of nappy) – but sometimes we, and no doubt they, feel nostalgic for the good old days. The days of illegally buying a Bacardi Breezer and vomiting into a hedge. The days of dancing all night, watching Hollyoaks all day and worrying we were fat at a size 8. Happy memories. Obviously, I wouldn’t want to go back, but it would be amazing to have one ridiculous night, where our friends can take off their mummy/daddy hats and just let go, where the only dribble they need to worry about is their own, and they can use the loo unaccompanied.
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There will be no whining or crying eclipsing the sound (and solemnity) of our vows. I have actually lost count of the number of ceremonies I’ve seen spoilt by hot, unhappy babies who don’t want to be squashed into uncomfortable dresses or elastic ties. It doesn’t seem fair to them, let alone to the other guests, to keep them on a hard chair for half an hour and expect them to shush. I know some people find it adorable, but I don’t. I’m spending hours agonising about what to say to my future husband, and I’d like him to hear it.
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It helps people prioritise. Ok, maybe a bit of a curve ball, but hear me out. If you don’t want to be away from your child for a few hours, that’s fine, I totally support that. So just don’t come. If you don’t want to stump up for a sitter or beg granny for a favour, you’re under no obligation whatsoever. The choice is yours. That way we’ll know everyone who turns up is 100% committed to having a lovely day of celebrating with us, and those who weren’t that fussed will be living it up at the soft play centre.
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We don’t want your children to drown. Seriously. Both ceremony and reception are next to lakes. Unless little Timmy is a proficient doggy-paddler, it’s a bit of a risk.
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