A recent study revealed that your Thirties is when you are most likely to have a crisis about ageing. Here, India Knight who’s new book on how to age happy says we need to stop being so silly…
There was a depressing bit of research last month which claimed women in their mid-thirties fret the most about ageing and have the lowest body confidence – worse even than teenagers. This anxiety apparently goes away again from the age of 49 upwards, thank goodness. But the idea that women at the peak of their powers (by 35 the average woman will have reached all the main milestones like buying a house, finding a partner and having a first child and will be at their peak earnings at 39) should worry about the ageing process is an absurd one. So, I say, stop it now. Here, is your 10-point pep talk why...
1) Have you ever come across old photographs of yourself when you were very young – 15, say – and thought “Oh. I looked lovely,” even though your memory of that period is that you were permanently unhappy with the way you looked and absolutely riddled with anxieties? It happens to everyone. You want to go back and give yourself a stiff talking to – ‘No, you’re not “fat”. No, your nose isn’t huge. No, you don’t have “acne” – just the one tiny spot’. Well, that feeling applies throughout the decades. I absolutely swear to you that when you’re fifty, you’ll look back at pictures of your 35 year old self and go “Bloody hell, I was gorgeous”. I also guarantee that you will not go “Blimey, I was so fat,” unless you do actually weigh 23 stone. The sadness of all of this is that realising that you looked great fifteen years down the line is no use to you whatsoever fifteen years later.
2) Learn to enjoy how you look right now, in the moment. That means emphasising the positives and letting go of the negatives, like a sane adult. If there’s something you can do about the thing you dislike, then cool – go and do it. But if your unhappiness concerns something you can’t change – you know, the length of your legs, the shape of your jaw – then really: what is the point exactly? As Einstein said, ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results’. The only result you’re ever going to get from fretting about something unchangeable is misery. As I said, what is the actual point?
3) Remember no man has ever turned to a woman in bed and said, “I’m sorry, I can’t, because you have cellulite/fat ankles/sparse eyelashes”. Ever. Bear that in mind. Equally, bear in mind that many, many men have said, “I’m sorry, I can’t be with you because you seem neurotic about some really irrelevant nonsense and you’re driving me nuts”.
4) Lest we forget, there is nothing that men consider more attractive than someone who is happy. You could look like Kate Moss, but if you were miserable all the time and spent your day moaning, you’d be looking like Kate Moss not realising you looked like Kate Moss. Be happy. Because this is a brilliant time of life. Protect it and look after it. Don’t be the one who sabotages it. You’re likely to know what you want and know what you like and dislike, to be more comfortably off than you were in your twenties, to feel reasonably sorted. You probably don’t have elderly parents to look after yet, or great big stroppy teenagers to stress out over. That will come, with time. Count your blessings.
5) If you don’t feel like this is a brilliant time of life, take a look at the things that aren’t working, and have a cull. Time marches on. Life’s too short to spend time with people you don’t actually like, too short to be stuck in an unsatisfying relationship or a dead-end job, out of habit. You’re a capable adult by now: take matters into your own hands and make whatever changes you feel are needed. You’re someone who still has two thirds of your life to go, with any luck. Get your ducks in a row.
6) Never compare yourself to other people. Ever. Especially not celebrities. Why would you? They’re not you. You're better than that. Do whatever works for you.
7) Ageing has an undeserved bad rep. Flip your thinking. What is happening is that you’re getting better. You know all the things you like about yourself: well, you’ll like them even more in your forties and beyond. All the things you like doing: you’ll have more opportunities to do them. The older you get, the more you know yourself. Ageing means becoming completely comfortable with yourself – with the good and with the bad. This is like being given a magnificent present, and is the reason I wouldn’t be 25 again if you paid me.
8) As you get older you will get better in the “better person” sense. I’m not claiming you suddenly turn into a saint, but you do become kinder, calmer and less judgemental. If you’ve spent your life hurtling from one melodrama to another, this newer calmer mature you is a welcome surprise.
9) Sex gets better with age. Obviously: you know what you like and you know what works – and once you’re past the knackered-all-the-time years, well – hello.
10) The older you get, the more you stop caring what other people think, which is a complete liberation. There also comes a point when you start loving your body just because it’s whole and just because it works. This is also a liberation. And if that’s not liberating enough for you ask for a Clarisonic for Christmas. It will be the single best thing you can do for your skin.
In your prime: How To Age by India Knight published by Fig Tree on October 23rd priced £16.99
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