Game Of Thrones is back and it's great and basically we'd like to sidestep all the boobs and bums and willies and deaths clichés of any other review show to bring you actual life lessons we can all take from it. Please enjoy and take about as seriously as a TV show that contains CGI dragons. Oh, and this is FULL of spoilers for season five, episode three, High Sparrow.
Lose the baggage
Jaqen H'ghar advises Arya, who wants to become a person of many faces: 'H'ghar must become no one’ – but who is no one if not everyone? Anyway, she chucks all her stuff away, save for her beloved sword, which she hides in some rocks next to the House of Black and White. And now she gets to wash corpses. Not a very valuable trade off if you ask us.
Younger men are very attentive
Tommen’s just married Margaery and then, well… As well as wondering if he’d hurt her, he exclaims ‘This is all I want to do, every day, all day, for the rest of my life’ then offers her cake and pomegranates. Pretty good if you ask us… she later tells her friends ‘I said darling, surely four times is enough!’
Play the long game
Margaery’s on the wind-up. Not only is she getting Tommen to push Cersei away from King’s Landing, she’s joking to Cersei about Tommen’s sexual appetite, saying she’ll be a ‘queen grandmother’ someday soon, and offers Cersei a drink like this: ‘I wish I had some wine for you, it’s a bit early in the day for us.’ Instead of letting the burn sear her to smouldering ash, Cersei grits her teeth and says: ‘If you need anything at all, let me know’. Cersei's eventual plan seems to end in… joining with the High Sparrows.
Similarly, Sansa’s all smiles when she meets the Boltons, as if she wasn’t already aware how they killed her family, as if it wasn’t weird to be back home in Winterfell in such strange circumstances.
‘The best way of forming an alliance isn’t by peeling someone’s skin off, it’s by marriage’
We kind of agree that Ramsay Bolton needs to stop flaying people alive. However, we utterly don’t agree that it’s time for Sansa to hook up with Ramsay and we were kind of hoping that she would just stop seeming so… mean…
‘Nasty little shits aren’t worth crying over’
Brienne tells Pod about her love for Renly, which started when she was a girl and her dad held a dance for her to find a husband: ‘I realised I was the ugliest girl alive, a great lumbering beast…’ but Renly intervened to dance with her, telling her the above. ‘He danced with me because he was kind and he didn’t want to see me hurt, he saved me from being a joke.’ Best GBF ever, shame that smoke monster had to kill him.
When you’re double booked, take the first option you committed to
Jon Snow refuses Stannis’s offer to give him the name of Jon Stark, because, well, he’s already sworn an oath to the Nights’ Watch and can, well, can Stannis just fuck off now please?
You know you've made it when you've got a porn lookalike
‘Someone who inspires both priests and whores is worth taking seriously’ Varys says this when they spot a Daenerys lookalike in a brothel in Valleris. Even though Khaleesi isn’t even in this episode it’s kind of warming that, well, she’s being paid tribute to by a woman with the bum cut out of her dress.
Don’t get caught with your pants down
The High Septon of the Faith of the Seven is caught by the Sparrows in Little Finger’s brothel and is forced to walk the streets naked, being whipped as people hiss ‘sinner’ at him. He now wants the Sparrows executed, but Cersei imprisons him and tells the High Sparrow ‘having a man like that residing in the sept eats away at the faith from the inside’
Lightly does it
Jon Snow finally gets convinced by Ser Davos that, actually, it’s his job to protect the ‘realms of men’ and that involves potentially ‘leaving a freezing cold castle on the edge of the world’. Jon almost learned this approach, nearly giving mercy to a King's Watchman who won't take orders. Instead? He chops his weeping head off.
KILL COUNT: Two dead and flayed bodies at the hands of the Boltons, one betrayer beheaded by Jon and one dead blood-splurty rat
BOOB COUNT: 12
BUM COUNT: 16 cheeks
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.