It’s impossible to feel embarrassed about a Walk of Shame – or anything, really – when you’ve crept across London in the early hours of a Sunday morning dressed as a sexy spider. When my friend had a ‘Come as something beginning with “C”’ party, I decided that I could fill four pairs of 90 denier tights with crumpled up pieces of newspaper, attach them to a short black playsuit, and be Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web.
I ended up having unremarkable sex with a guy whose name I can’t remember, who was convinced that I was actually called Charlotte – and then had to navigate my way out of north London using an iPhone running on four per cent battery.
Even though the playsuit was on the skimpy side, and I had eyeliner on my chin, I thought I could style out the look by removing my spider legs. I managed to take off one set before realising that I couldn’t find a bin to chuck them in – so I became a sexy semi paraplegic spider, with six legs on my body and two tucked under my arm.
The only way to get through the journey was to be confident about my wonky spider bod. I lifted my chin, looked pedestrians in the eye, smiled, and did my very best to channel my heroine of the minute Amy Schumer in her new film Trainwreck. Here’s how to take the shame out of the walk – just remember; you’re a sasspot.
It’s a celebration of sexual agency
In Trainwreck, Amy grows up believing only in hooking up after her dad Gordon tells her that monogamy isn’t realistic. No-one should ever feel pressured to have lots of sex, or pressure anyone else into sex – but when you walk home after an impromptu sleepover, you’re never more aware of the fact that you live in an age when you’re allowed to choose whom you have sex with! The walk is a manifestation of your freedom, and one you can measure with a pedometer.
Nobody knows what you were actually doing last night
If you’re anything like Amy (and I am), being out in the AM in last night’s clothes doesn’t necessarily mean you were up all night to get lucky. You might have had an excess of sherbet cocktails and spent the night on a mate’s settee. Whatever you were doing, nobody knows but you, unless you tell them – and no-one has any right to look at you and judge you.
If you’ve got on matching shoes, you’re doing well
As I’ve mentioned, there’s a strong chance that you’ll be doing the walk in an embarrassing outfit; just check out Amy’s gold lame skirt in Trainwreck, which she has to wear on a *ferry *ride home. You might be chilly, insufficiently waterproofed or covered in yesterday’s lunch.
You could focus on these negatives, but it’s much more fun to award yourself a point for everything you’ve done right! Got a spare jumper in your handbag? Managed to make it out with sunglasses, spectacles or contact lenses in place? Still wearing a bra? Get yourself a prize! We recommend a bag of crisps.
Walking helps you get your head together
Marching through the fresh air first thing is a wonderful way to kill a hangover and reflect on your evening in a peaceful, positive way. Perhaps you got it on with someone you really fancy, and want to replay every raunchful second. Maybe your sexual partner said or did something inadvertently hilarious and you want to recall all the details so that you get the story right when you’re sharing it in the pub. Either way, the walk gives you a chance to think of all that was good about your night – enjoy it!
Trainwreck is in cinemas August 14
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.