It begins with Biscuits wearing a Ninja Turtle style sweatband, presumably to hold his head together after he damaged it when he was playing rugby. He’s trying to train Spencer to box by leaping about and shouting numbers. However, Spencer has no interest in getting ready to rumble - he’s really getting ready for a bit of a fumble. He’s just broken up with Lauren, and Ollie’s squeeze, Beautiful Emma, has turned up at the gym wanting a go on his gloves.
Sadly, Ollie is still hung up on Emma and wailing about it to everyone over champagne at the polo. Boring Brigitta is droning on about how James liked her - OH, FUCK OFF - and then claims she agreed to a date with Harney because she was ‘too polite to say no’ - DOUBLE FUCK OFF. Brigitta, it’s fine to like boning but you have to own your own saucepottery. By all means, take your knickers off and throw them in a tree but don’t then squeal ‘Ermarghed, everyone is looking at mah fanny!’ In other news Steph has a lovely coat on, Tiff is doing some stealth interning for Rosie so as not to wind up Lucy, who has decided Rosie is her enemy, and Jess has decided to make a friendly gesture for Biscuits ‘like turning up at his house with a balloon.’ Obviously Toff tries to talk her out of it, and obviously Jess totally ignores her and starts Googling helium suppliers as soon as she’s out of shot.
Binky tries to nail Emma down on the Ollie question. Emma is evasive, but we learn that she doesn’t drink coffee, just green tea. To be honest, if we could have skin like Emma’s we’d gladly go caffeine free, never set foot in Starbucks again and be asleep for 22 hours a day. Then Binky heads to brunch for French toast (Richard: ‘Is that sponge in the middle?’ Rosie: ‘Yes!’ NO RICHARD, IT ISN’T. NEVER LET ROSIE MAKE YOU CAKE.) Binky has some advice for Richard. So, Steph Pratt - you were sweating, blinking, stuttering when you were talking to her…don’t send her any dick pics.’ Oh, Binky. If the pen is mightier than the sword and a picture paints a thousand words, maybe dick pics are the only chance the poor man has. Plus he’s called Richard - technically every selfie he takes is a dick pic.
There is talk of Ollie ‘formalising’ - oooh, sexy! - his relationship with Emma, but too late! She’s gone and had it off with Spenny, possibly while sweaty from boxing. And Biscuits is in a bad mood because Jess went off and snogged someone at the rugby while he was out cold in an ambulance. To be fair, if your ex is going to get upset when you’re kissing someone else, it makes perfect sense to see their unconsciousness as an opportunity.
Ollie’s ‘formalising’ goes badly. He sits Emma down at the bar and explains ‘After snogging, generally what happens is the girl starts to like the guy - but I like you quite a lot.’ Not exactly words to inflate a ladyboner with. Emma tries to let him down gently, and admits to going Fully Matthews, which is so awkward that she mysteriously acquires an Australian accent in the middle section. Ollie responds like a perfect gentleman, shouting ‘Well, that’s my call to leave, and you can get the fucking bill.’
Jess tries to give Biscuits a balloon. It actually says ‘friend’ on it. Biscuits doesn’t want the balloon, and he doesn’t want to hear Jess’s breathy chipmunk squeak ever again. She leaves, taking the balloon with her. Rosie styles her own jewellery shoot, and Alik stops by for a transatlantic snog with Louise before he rushes back to Vermont to buy leather. Tiff turns up to talk about being Rosie’s intern, and eventually comes clean to Lucy who goes, to use the technical term, bonkers. ‘This is about loyalty, and lack of,’ she huffs, like Bitch Yoda. ‘I don’t know why you’d want to work with someone who vividly hates your sister.’ Rosie hates in colour? That’s a hell of a skill. ‘It’s boring. Literally everyone has a blog,’ moans Lucy. Well, my friend’s Dad has a blog about the times he’s met various members of the clergy at church events. I bet Tiff would like to intern for him.
Lucy continues to ride the rage wave when she’s at drinks and bumps into Tallulah and Brigitta. She confronts Brigitta about That Time She Wanted To Do Sex On James. ‘You’re obviously like that, and he’s…attractive?’ she intones, as Brigitta denies all. She obviously went to the Sam Thompson school of Historical Revisionism. Maybe Brigitta wanted to duck James? Perhaps she’d just had a tank installed and wanted him to test it out before she hosted the soak-the-teacher event at the school fête?
Plucky Spencer does his best to absorb Ollie’s anger, explaining ‘I’d like to apologise for seeming not to give a shit,’ paying homage to Joey in Friends when he learns about air quotes. Ollie claims he’s had a load of Botox, but he’s still facially mobile enough to emote when Emma turns up. ‘I didn’t know how much you liked me, you didn’t say a word!’ she says, bewildered. To be fair, Ollie did a whole lot of ‘Does she like me’ at his beleaguered pals, and not much ‘I like you’. Fair dos, Emma.
Hero of the week
We love how Tiff finally stood up to Lucy and is going her own way in the fashion world. Stupid boys may come and go, but bossy big sisters don’t get to stand in the way of careers. Tiff, you’re going to take the fashion blogging world by storm! And if not, there’s always my mate’s Dad.
Villain of the week
It’s got to be Jess, for the ultimate empty gesture. Nothing has less physical substance than a balloon. Biscuits would have rather been presented with a bag of Jess’ fresh, steaming shit with streamers attached. And even if you haven’t slept with your mate, you don’t go and get off with someone else when they’re unconscious.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.