Because listening at school was for lame-oids and the advice our parents were dishing out went mostly unheeded, much of our teenage education came from telly and what we were watching on T4 in between Steve Jones and June Sarpong doing silly things with various members of pop punk band Busted.
This, it turns out, was a mistake.
Everything we learned was wrong. Especially when it comes to grown-up frienships. Turns out it's much easier to have functional friendships when they're being written specifically for the purpose of a 22-or-45 minute television shows. If only we'd realised TV friendships weren't real friendships earlier. Could have saved a few red faces and broken hearts.
1. Friends
I'll be there for you? Sure.
Being a twenty something in a big city is like, hard work for the time poor. Even in weeks of feeling like you're totally friendless, the times you manage to get home before 9PM are few and far between.
So, riddle me this; how did a chef, two freelancers and three people with corporate jobs find time to see each other for breakfast, mid-morning coffees and evening hangouts on a regular basis? Having friends in a city is to see them once a week, tops, unless you actually live with them, then it's maybe twice.
2. The OC
(You're not) welcome to The OC, bitch
The friendship in The OC was of the 'I ride for my brothers, I die for my brothers' variety. All of the feelings, all of the dramatic gestures, so many feelings.
You think for one second my friends would bother to sail off into the sunset to the strains of Jeff Buckley singing Hallelujah if I moved 49 minutes (distance: Newport Beach - Chino) down the road? Nah. How about starting a school-career-jeapordising campaign to get me re-admitted to school after I got expelled for shooting someone? Hell no, they've got much better stuff to do with their time. Like eating bagels and schmear.
3. Sex & The City
Soulmates? Whatever.
According to Mr. Big, The 'girls' were abso-fuckin-lutely 'the loves of [Carrie's] life and a guy's just lucky to come fourth.' The women pledged to be each others' soul mates and their friendships survived the unimaginable; like one of them moving to a 20-minute subway ride away to Brooklyn. These ladies were tight and no man could come between them. That's what you're frienship group is like right? Sisters on speed dial, no annoying commitments like family, work and babies are getting in the way of you and your unshakeable girl group.
With hindsight, their 'girl power', 'no men allowed' friendship was total bullshit. 90% of the their time together was spent talking either about men, male appendages, or spunk. Barry Cradshaw and friends were so desperate for a man that they would have dropped each other for a fuck faster than you can say 'femidom'.
The learning? If you've got friends you consider soul mates? Fine. If your soul mate is a guy, your partner or your pet cat, that's also OK. Taylor Swift might have made girl gangs cool again but there's no point forcing one for the sake of it.
4. Gossip Girl
Xoxo... just die
Some friendships don't recover when you stick a big old knife in them and make violent stabbing motions. Like Sarah Greenwood who danced with Adam Jones for the entirety of Back For Good, Mama and 2 Become 1 at the year four disco when she knew I liked him. Dead to me.
The cast of Gossip Girl then were either the best turn-the-other-cheek-Christians in the world then (unlikely) or really bloody stupid. Shagging each others boyfriends and girlfriends (multiple times), obstructing each other financially and destroying each other on the internet (probably using their Sidekicks), they were some of the nastiest pieces of work TV's ever managed to invent. Dan Humphreys I will take your loft apartment, but I will not take your friendship. Good day sir.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.