Don’t know if you heard, but Sex And The City 3 totally, definitely isn’t happening. Again. The latest revelation of a fact that we all, deep down, definitely already knew came a few days ago amidst claims that plans to start production on the film were canceled because apparently, Kim Cattrall wasn’t down with the arrangements. Then things got really dramatic, really really quickly.
DailyMailTV reported that the third installment of the movie series was dropped ‘due to the demands of Kim Cattrall’. They claimed that one of Kim’s conditions was that Warner Bros produced the other films that she had in development, apparently leaving Cynthia Nixon, Kristin Davis and Sarah Jessica Parker ‘heartbroken’.
Kim then tweeted the following day saying: ‘Work 2 a @MailOnline shitstorm. The only ‘DEMAND’ I ever made was that I didn’t want to do a 3rd film… & that was back in 2016’.
A couple of days after this all materialised Kim happened to appear on Piers Morgan’s’ Life Stories show and addressed the accusations directly. Speaking about how disappointed she was that no one got in touch directly to talk to her about making the third film.
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She then went on to describe her time with the show-turned-film franchise as a ‘toxic relationship’ and said that even though there was ‘genuine affection’ for co-star Sarah Jessica Parker, she wishes that SJP had been ‘nicer’ about the whole thing. ‘And now, now at this very moment, it's quite extraordinary to get any kind of negative press about something that I've been saying for almost a year of 'no' that I'm demanding or a diva’.
‘And this is really where I take to task the people from Sex and the City and specifically Sarah Jessica Parker in that I think she could have been nicer’, Kim added.
Since then, the drams have only continued – yesterday Willie Garson aka Carrie’s BFF Stanford tweeted in a classically shady, not so subtle response to Kim’s comments saying: ‘Dear fans, because I’m “toxic”, I’m going to negotiate a contract for 6 months, not come to terms, then say I never wanted to do it anyway’. Ooft.
But while this has all been going on, the geniuses over at the Every Outfit on Sex and the City Instagram account got hold of the script that should have been. And when I say ‘get hold’, I mean they created excerpts of a satirical fanfiction of dreams. Behold, the script that every in the know millennial woman would have loved to see on screen.
Here’s what they predict. Sorry, *hoped for…
Carrie
'After facing extensive online criticism for problematic statements made in her latest book, Carrie goes on a spiritual quest to find her wokeness. She then chronicles her experience of public humiliation and personal growth in an unflinchingly honest New Yorker essay, which revives her career and lands her a guest spot on Oprah’s podcast.'
Charlotte
'After her UES Mommy blog goes viral, Charlotte starts her own lifestyle brand “York & Blatt” for the modern Jewish mom with WASP tendencies. She also throws a memorable baby shower for Stanford and Anthony, who are expecting their first child via a surrogate'.
Miranda
'After Brady comes out to her as gay, Miranda is forced to address what she has known all along: that she has never been attracted to Steve, or to any man for that matter. With the support of her friends, she ends her marriage and embarks upon a new life as an out lesbian. Tig Notaro plays her love interest Helen, who she meets at a pilates class'.
Samantha
'After accepting an invitation to an exclusive Illuminati sex party in Washington DC, Samantha unexpectedly lands herself a new job in the White House as Trump’s latest press secretary. However, when sordid details of her personal life emerge in a Daily Mail article, she has a breakdown at the podium, screaming “I have sex!” and throwing condoms at the White House press corps, landing her a seven-figure book deal.'
Who knows. Perhaps Kim Cattrall might’ve gone for this script instead?
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.