Last night we pootled down the Season 3 launch of Orange Is The New Black and, after being served actual screwdriver cocktails (no shit, they actually had screwdrivers as garnishes) by orange jumpsuited Litchfield inmates, we settled in to watch the first epsiode of the show. Here’s what we’ve learned so far.
Headspace has made it as far as Litchfield
Think mindfulness is just a thing four you and your yuppie lifestyle? Ha. No longer. Anita’s all over that. She read it in a magazine. Just you try doing 10 minutes of meditation in a room full of women though. Tough stuff.
There are no new cast members on the horizon
Well there IS. Obviously. Because Ruby Rose is in the trailer. But she’s sure as hell not in the first episode. Unless we drank too many cocktails.
Morello’s gone to the bad place
Best story line of last season hands down: finding out Christopher was less the nice Catholic boy Morello was set to get married to and more the ‘guy she’s been stalking for the past few years’. She’s not come out the other side very well, though. In fact, she’s made up a couple of kids, too.
Crazy Eyes is not over Vee
In fact, the girls don’t know what happened to Vee. They’re even doing voodoo spells and referencing Harry Potter over the whole thing. Plus, Crazy Eyes will attack you dead with a potato if you bring her up.
Sanitary pads make great blindfolds
It’s Mothers’ Day! And there’s a makeshift carnival in the yard. Complete with a piñata and yep, sanitary towel blindfold.
Kids also make good smuggling tools
Like for drugs and stuff. It’s their nappies, you see.
Alex is back. And in a slump
Oh, and she still doesn’t know it was Piper that shopped her. As it is, she’s sad, hurt, embarassed and sporting a black eye. Things look like they’re going swimmingly for her and Piper though. There’s snogs in the chapel and everything. Let’s see how long that lasts...
Bennett is not very good at jokes
Small sample: ‘How come computers are so smart? Because they listen to their motherboards.’ Ouch.
Caputo has a very gross way to deal with hot inmates
In fact, he goes back to his office to ‘spank it out’. Advice that he freely shares with Bennett. My gosh, we wish he hadn’t.
Transexuals know how to shave better than any damn man
As Sophia reminds her son who’s currently learning how to shave from his mum’s new boyfriend. ‘Who are you going to trust. A man that just shaves his face? Or a man that shaves EVERYTHING.’ Fair point.
Roe v Wade was definitely a good thing for Pennsatucky
As gutted as she is to be spending Mothers’ Day thinking about the six abortions she’s had, Pennsatucky is slightly cheered by Big Boo’s explanation that since Pennsatucky was a meth head and knocked up by another meth head, she probably saved those kids from a shitty, shitty life.
And helped keep the country’s crime rate down.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.