As the seven billionth film based on a Nicholas Sparks book comes out this weekend (it's called The Longest Ride, it's about a guy who does rodeo and can't quit even though he might die, and his girlfriend, who is sad at this prospect), meaning that you not only need to get yourself to the cinema, you also need a jolly good catch up with the rest of Mr. Sparks' films.
Sure, you've all seen The Notebook but please, it's important that you don't stop there. Last December, when everybody else had gone home for Christmas, my flatmate and I caught up on all the other Nicholas Sparks films we'd missed out on over the years, and oh boy, are there some doozies. Sure they're sickly sweet, completely unrealistic and will more than likely ruin any IRL relationship you ever manage to enter into, but if it's a weepy you're after, these are some of the best.
Here's my faves, ranked by ability to provoke uncontrolled blubbering.
*Full disclosure, I haven't seen Dear John but since it's got Channing Tatum in I'm guessing it would probably come in at number two.
6. The Lucky One
The deal: Army man Logan finds a picture of a girl while serving in Iraq. When he's home, he sets out to find her, ends up working for her, but doesn't tell her who he is.
Who's in it? Zack Efron, most recently seen in the trailer for THIS film (OMG) and Taylor Schilling aka Piper from Orange Is The New Black.
Why am I going to cry?: You might not with this one. It's not the greatest. There is a super hot outdoor shower sex scene though.
What's the likelihood I'm going to cry?: Like 2/10. As I said, it's not the best film. Everyone's very moody.
5. The Last Song
The deal: Pre-VMA's Miley Cyrus' character Ronnie moves in with her estranged dad. Miley was really good at piano but no longer plays these days because she's too busy being a sullen teenager and rebelling all over the shop. Then she meets Will and they fall in love. Also, Miley's dad may or may not have burned down a church.
Who's in it?: Miley Cyrus, obvs. Liam Hemsworth and Greg Kinnear.
Why am I going to cry?: If daddy/daughter relationships get you then this is definitely the ticket. Also, if you're into sea turtles being rescued then that might get you going too.
What's the likelihood I'm going to cry?: TBH, I'm going to go with about 5/10 because teenagers are kind of annoying and it's hard to feel bad for someone deliberately sabotaging their own life.
4. The Best Of Me
The deal: Nerdy guy Dawson falls in love with popular girl Amanda but the two lose touch over the years. Years later they return to the same town they grew up in and (spoiler) sparks FLY.
Who's in it? James Marsden and Michelle Monaghan. Also, two younger actors who play them in the flashback scenes who could not look less like their older counterparts if they tried.
Why am I going to cry?: Because Amanda's got some tough choices to make and Dawson's evil family try to wreck everything for them.
What's the likelihood I'm going to cry:? Like a 5/10 again, this one's more thrilling than weepy.
3. A Walk To Remember
The deal: When super-popular high school jock guy Landon gets busted for being a dick, he ends up having to do lots of nerd things as punishment and so meets class loser Jamie. Jamie is one of those pretty girls who wears dowdy dresses so people assume she's actually ugly. Oh yeah, she has cancer.
Who's in it?: Mandy Moore and Shane West. How's that for a blast from the early noughties past?
Why am I going to cry? Because the couple are going to try and tick everything off Jamie's bucket list before she dies. Including getting married in the same church her parents did. And you're not dead inside. Are you?
What's the liklihood I'm going to cry? 9/10 - it's not a 10 because Jamie is a little too virtuous and can come off as kind of annoying.
2. Safe Haven
The deal: A mysterious young lady comes to the sleepy seaside town, falls in love with a very handsome widower and his two lovely children but uh-oh, she's got a past and it's coming back to haunt her.
Who's in it?: Julianne Hough, sister of Derek and Josh 'Mr. Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas' Duhamel. Also Colbie Smulders from How I Met Your Mother who, and look away here if you don't want spoilers... TURNS OUT TO BE A FREAKING GHOST YOU GUYS.
Why am I going to cry?: Because Kate (Julianne Hough) has been through a lot OK? And in the town of Southport she finds the loving arms of a community that wants to heal her.
What' the likelihood I'm going to cry? Maybe like an 8/10. This film isn't actually super sad but it is very exciting. Also, the ghost part isn't scary. In case you were wondering.
1. The Notebook
The deal: Old man tells old lady a story about two charming teenagers who are destined for each other but are kept apart by class systems and dick-ish parents.
Who's in it?: Fuckssake guys, come on. Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling. THE Hollywood couple of 2004. Before they broke up and she somehow ended up with Michael Sheen who must have a golden dong because he sure does get some amazing women.
Why am I going to cry?: Because of the war, and also Alzheimers and also forbidden love and noble men and women putting their happiness aside so others can enjoy theirs. Also, sheer joy.
What's the likelihood I'm going to cry? 10/10 you will sob like a tiny baby. No matter how stable of a human being you are.
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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.