You know what doesn't shock us any more? Willies and boobs. I found that one out watching new dating show Naked Attraction when, presented with willies of varying sizes (one with an elephant tattoo no less - the willie was the trunk, you get it), I found myself wishing I'd watched George Clarke's Amazing Spaces instead. And I am scared of George Clarke*.
*It's the eyes. They see into your soul.
Naked Attraction assumes we're stupider than we are. Sure, we like trashy TV (hello TOWIE) and sure we go in for the shock factor (shout out to Love Island) but there needs to be some sort of concept to our guilty pleasure telly. Otherwise, it's just people standing there awkwardly talking to each other which is kind of like real life, and real life is boring.
The concept of Naked Attraction is this - a girl (it might not always be a girl, it was in the first epsiode) comes out and explains to Anna Richardson (who is GREAT. I bloody LOVE her. We last spoke to her when she revenge porned herself in the name of journalism. What. A. Woman.) that she hasn't met the right person and that meeting someone naked might give her the chance to go for someone she wouldn't normally go for and blah blah etc.
Then, the women are presented with several human sized boxes. In each box is a man. A NAKED man. Ooooh.
In round one, the front doors of the boxes lift to reveal the bottom half (including peen) of the man. The girl then eliminates one of the men (muttering something about the way he was standing because it's obviously nothing to do with his penis) and he is revealed fully, given a name ('Sam, 25 from Liverpool!') and sent packing. Not before (and this is the worst part) he comes over to give the fully clothed girl a hug while his wang wobbles precariously close to her nice jeans.
The following rounds proceed in much the same way. More is revealed of the men, more are eliminated, more awkward free-wang waving hugs are given. Finally though, there's just two men left. And so, naturally, the girl gets naked too. Because: ratings.
And that's pretty much it.
I'm sure there's far more to these people than their bits. Aina the first girl is a music producer. How cool is that? And the dude she ends up with has got a kick ass bionic leg *and *the aforementioned elephant tattoo - that is at least TWO VERY INTERESTING TOPICS OF CONVERSATION HE CAN BRING TO THE TABLE.
Instead, the contestants are reduced to what their bits look like. Which is a shame. Because we've all seen fannies and willies. We've seen loads of fannies and willies. Hell, I can't even illegally stream Modern Family without getting a pop-up of a naked and gyrating teenager telling me she's horny and in my local area looking for some fun.
No. From my dating shows I need personality. A solid format. A clever twist and a feelgood factor. I need Take Me Out meets First Dates. I need Blind Date meets The Undateables. I need to know that real love exists and the process of getting there can be funny and touching and heartbreaking. What I don't need is two strangers meeting each other naked and awkward while they try and remember why they're standing in this eerily quiet TV studio with Anna Richardson mediating conversation. That, my friends, is just weird.
Re-runs of* George Clarke's Amazing Spaces* it is then. This week, George is meeting a man who's turned his garden shed into a spaceship-themed ice cream truck.
Nice one George.
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**
Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.