Lately, spending time in South West London seems to be less relaxing than visiting a spa in which all of the massaging implements are made from spikes stuck to fragments of broken glass. Why have a lovely time at a party with your friends when you could be screaming at a stranger about their sexual history? Why let a pal eat their dinner in peace when you could be regurgitating some third hand gossip that will make them want to plunge their dirty fork into their own eyes? And instead of celebrating the fact that you’re financially comfortable enough to buy a little something from Chanel purely because you have half an hour to kill before lunch, why not make a shopping trip into a round of harrowing, potentially libellous character assassinations?
Binky has barely picked up a coat before JP is suddenly complaining about Lucy being a man hater because she had the audacity to disagree with him. ‘He’s in a relationship, he can’t exactly go shagging girls,’ murmurs Binks mildly, and suddenly JP is blowing up like a smoker enjoying a cigarette while sitting on a petrol pump. ‘That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! Why are you being an idiot? Now, if I have anything to say to a friend I'm going to keep it to myself.’ Chilled as a vindaloo. And just when you thought you couldn’t take any more tension, Tiff and Sam show up. Tiff wants to know why Sam thinks it’s appropriate to keep Livvy in his life. ‘You know she’s Olivia Bentley of Bentley cars?’ A-ha!
There are yet more plugs for the automotive industry as Biscuits considers getting an Aston Martin while stirring things up for Mytton, Steph-wise, and bitches about JP on Binky’s behalf. Poor Ollie, prophetic as Cassandra with a Magic 8 ball, knows this will all end spectacularly badly, and hides in a car like a child avoiding a parental argument. James meets JP for a showdown and gets very sexy and stern about JP’s responsibilities. ‘There’s so much I’m learning!’ cries JP, hoping to get house points for effort. ‘Learn faster,’ replies James, in a way that, if you enjoyed 50 Shades, might make you feel a bit peculiar.
Steph is being bloody irritating, saying that Nicola and Alex are ‘super cute’ but Mytton ‘blushes bright red when he talks to me…does he do it to you?’ Steph, shh. I’d bet that Mytton could get a bonk on for a Quality Street Green Triangle because if you hold it upside down it looks faintly vaginal. Steph is also worried that Nicola will find out ‘that I think [Mytton is] cute,’ as if you can tell anyone in Chelsea anything. Steph is essentially doing the opposite in taking an injunction out on her feelings for Alex. And Lucy is looking her like an enthusiastic gardener might look at next door’s dense Japanese bindweed.
We learn that JP thinks Binky eats too quickly, and Binky won’t let JP say toilet (‘loo’) or dessert (‘pudding’). Livvy delivers her nude pictures to their subjects, starting with Louise - so she has to go round to Sam’s! Oh, what a coincidence. And they talk. ‘Perhaps Tiff is insecure,’ purrs Livvy, as she glances down at her own breasts. All that Bentley money, and the poor girl can’t afford a shirt with functional buttons. Perhaps we should do a Kickstarter.
Biscuits drags Steph all the way out to Putney, which, for non Londoners makes less geographical sense than driving a load of seals to Dubai - and stirs like an Amish B&Q employee trying to prove that mechanical paint mixers are a wholly unnecessary invention. ‘We should hang out more, but you'll probably end up fancying me. Do you fancy anyone at the moment? Mytton? When he saw you the other day, he went “oh yeah, ROOOOAAAATGHHHH!”’ It’s like Cilla Black has risen from the grave and is banging a load of M-cat.
Steph has harrowing details about Lucy’s relationship - ‘She called me, crying! He cooks meat in her pans!’ but Binky’s might be on the up, as JP takes her fishing, and, encouraged by Ollie, admires her way she looks in a waxed jacket. ‘The feelings I’ve had for her are stronger than any other feelings I’ve felt before,’ says JP, which makes me think that he’s never stayed up until 5AM following a particularly aggravating Reddit thread.
The bois eat barbecue, and Steph calls a summit to tell everyone she doesn’t fancy Mytton, and she’s horrified that anyone thinks she’s that kind of girl, because she would never, ever contemplate sexing another woman’s fellow unless he was totally cute and up for it too and um, do you think he likes her? Would a big boyfriend stealer turn up for brunch in 3a denim waistcoat that might have been a bit too nineties for Clarissa to Explain It All In? Conveniently Mytton is about to have an event where he wears headphones and plays a Ministry Of Sound compilation entitled ‘Fresh Summer EDM hits from adverts,’ so all will be revealed. Elsewhere, Mytton himself is doing damage limitation. ‘I'm sure Nicola won't care much, it's not like a huge thing,’ he claims. There are no words, only thousands of cry-laugh emojis.
James drops Sam in it by telling Tiff that Livvy has been round to the Thompson homestead, and the Watson sisters dialogue is Becket-esque.
‘They're not FRIENDS,’ hisses Lucy.
‘THEY'RE not friends,’ adds Tiff, and then, in unison,
‘They're NOT friends,’ There’s a GCSE ‘devised’ drama workshop in this two second vignette. They also work their way through Steph’s lies and accusations. It sounds like Lucy hasn’t called her crying about James, but we’re also not sure that Lucy was only looking at engagement rings ‘because my friend got engaged and I wanted to see how much they cost.’
Sam forces Tiff to have a chat with Livvy No Buttons, and they hug it out, although it looks like Tiff is working out whether she can hospitalise her by crushing her kidneys. We also learn that thrillingly, Livvy despises Jessica Molly. I’m sure we’ll find out why in a couple of weeks! James confronts Steph at the bar and she attempts to evade all blame by claiming ‘girls are sensitive!’ Someone needs to get her a cream for that. JP whisks Binks outside and sits her on a bench. ‘Isn’t this romantic?’ he asks, confident of an answer in the affirmative. Binky says ‘Actually, I’m cold.’ He tells her he loves her, they snog, and then he makes her scream it back. ‘We'll get told off!’ cries Binks, a girl after my own sad, poindexter heart. Ain’t love uncomfortable?!
Hero of the week
Assuming he hasn’t been chucking Stephanie out of flats that aren’t his, and cooking steak in vegetarian pans, this goes to James, who has efficiently dealt with the nonsense of SW3 with patience and good humour. Lucy, you should put a ring on it. Ask your ‘friend’ how it works!
Villain of the week
Stephanie, you’ve let us down, you’ve let yourself down, but most importantly you haven’t let down Mytton’s boner. If you’re going to go after him, admit it, deal with the fallout and do it because you have real feelings for him and don’t just fancy a shag. Or have the grace and good manners not to want to be the architect of Nicola’s unhappiness, sit on your hands and shut up. Obviously Alex will be single soon enough. Chill your bean.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.