This week, the gang is attempting to win the hearts and minds of the Manhattanites with some poorly thought out dressing up - if you will, fancy distress. Firstly, Sam (who astonishingly, has been allowed through passport control) is making a spectacle of himself in a Liberty crown and coordinated grey vest. ‘Girls respond to this stuff!’ he screeches from an open top bus, and even indulgent big sister Louise looks like she might be about to throw him off the side of it. And Biscuits, not for the first time, is suffering for the sins of the Spenny. As Mr Matthews ‘lost’ Billie in that crazy sexist poker game the bois call dating, Biscuits takes a forfeit, which falls in the form of a hot dog costume. ‘You’re the first hot dog in fast food history to wear Guccis,’ smirks Spenny, gesturing at Biscuits’ Hooray Henry footwear. I suspect it’s actually better for the Gucci brand image if Biscuits stays swathed in fabric hot dog, instead of revealing his face and strange collection of tank tops.
Having humiliated his BFF, Spencer is not letting the Billie matter drop. ‘She probably chose Stevie because she knows what I’m like. Unhelpful of everyone to tell her,’ he whines, as if warning a stranger that she’s about to get hurt by a serial sex cheat is comparable to not holding a library door open for long enough when the person behind you has a load of reference books in their arms and no access to Microsoft Encarta. Spencer vows that he will not leave Manhattan until Billie has at least seen his dick, but fortunately Billie is blissfully unaware and posing on a rooftop in SDM, while Proudlock shouts ‘We need more light!’ and makes noises about exposure, to demonstrate that he is a professional man and not just a massive perv. Distractingly, Jana shows up, and everyone has many intrusive questions for her and Jules about just how many people they’re allowed to shag at any one time. Apparently, Jana was initially dead against polyamory, but then she read a book that convinces her. She doesn’t tell us who wrote the book. Jules, we’re looking suspiciously in your direction. Spencer is predictably very excited about the concept. The only thing likely to prevent him from leading a fully realised polyamorous lifestyle is the fact that he might cover his Kindle screen in ejaculate before he can finish reading.
Rosie probably won’t want to read the book. She’s still complaining about the ‘slutty board games’ over syrupy pancakes with Mark Francis and Binky. ‘I’m not narrow minded,’ she intones, before almost vomiting with fright at the idea of eating an apple pie with melted cheese on it. ‘I feel like I’ve taken my daughters to the zoo,’ says Mark Francis with dismay, as Rosie and Binky wrinkle their rarefied noses. To be fair, the cheese does look a little bit like monkey sick. He gets his own back with a visit to a gallery. ‘The exhibition is called Hybrids. Would you like to give a moment’s thought as to why?’ he asks, while Binky looks as if she’s about to have a stroke. ‘Um, this is a rhino with an engine?’ volunteers Billie. Mark Francis sighs. ‘What about Italian futurism?’ Binky sighs audibly. One suspects she thinks Italian futurism is the 20 minute period of anticipation you experience when awaiting delivery of the pizza you just ordered.
Spencer hatches a magnificently inventive plan to get back Billie. The plan is as follows. Find her whereabouts, ensure she is not with Stevie, go, fail to invite Stevie. ‘We’re really naughty!’ he chuckles. No, you’re a depressingly unimaginative sex pest. Sadly luck is on Spencer’s side. Stephanie is back in town, and she’s desperate to surprise Stevie. ‘He’s going to be shocked!’ Stephanie tells Lucy. Yup. And not just because Stephanie is wearing earrings that appear to have been ordered from the Pendant Lights and Lampshades section of the Argos catalogue. Lucy explains Billie badly. ‘They kind of went on a date…he really misses you, she’s a good distraction for him,’ as if he’s a puppy, and poor Billie is a bit of steak on the end of a string. Then Stevie arrives. ‘This is the best surprise!’ smirks Stephanie. Dude, you can’t go on about how great the surprise is when you are the surprise.
Lucy posts a picture of Stephanie on Facebook, Binky, from her fancy vantage point in The Hamptons sees it, shows Billie, and the fourth wall is broken forever. Binky cheers Billie up with her favoruite joke. ‘Why did the crab cry? Because the sea weed! It cracks me up every time!’ Binky, you need to share that one with Mark Francis! He’d adore it! Billie and Binks are ambushed by Biscuits and Spencer, both wearing matching trucker caps and shrieking. ‘When Stevie gets back with Stephanie, we should go for a drink!’ Spencer tells Billie, subtle as a shit on a coffee table.
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The nice thing about going to the Hamptons is that we get to eye up some prime East Coast real estate. I suspect the way Spenny feels about Billie is the way I feel about Alik’s beach house. Alik only has eyes for Louise, growling ‘I’m beginning to fall for you,’ before embarking upon some serious fireside smooching. Billie is briefly left alone with Spenny - bad idea - but despite his hard sell, she’s clearly still into Stevie. Hurrah! Spencer experiences a nanosecond of remorse. ‘I don’t want to be mean to Stevie, but given we’re on holiday…’ he murmurs. Some people go on vacation to read, some relax in the sun, others crack open a beer. Spencer chills out by cuckolding his social acquaintances!
In town, Stevie predictably tells Proudlock that he is ‘confused’. ‘But Stefan put in so much hard work!’ cries Proudlock, as if he’s Frankenstein and his monster has just told him that he wishes to be free to set up a small massage therapy centre in Nuneaton. We also learn that Biscuits isn’t getting any, and doesn’t understand how he and Spencer have gone from being stallions to ‘me being a creep and getting into bed with Binky and Billie.’ Biscuits, this isn’t something that happens with the changing of the seasons. You just don’t ever get into bed with sleeping women, unless you’re cohabiting and they have gone to bed at 10PM because they have an early meeting and you’ve stayed up until two flicking between Babestation and Yesterday: War On The Home Front.
Stevie has texted Billie to ask ‘Where are we right now?’ and a few hours later ‘I take it from your no reply that we’re not that serious. Fine with me but I wanted to check that we’re not on different pages.’ Billie claims she wasn’t able to text him back because there was no phone signal. But Billie has enough phone signal to pick the messages up. Binky had enough to look on Facebook. Surely these people all have iPhones and they can just message on wifi anyway? Obviously I’m not going to call it a plot hole, because this is real life and cannot be plotted. But still. Still.
Back in Manhattan, Stephanie meets Stevie and she’s dressed to impress. She’s wearing a frock so extraordinarily tight that you can tell how she seasoned her breakfast avocado on toast. She doesn’t want to hang out, she’s going to ‘drink and cry.’ She doesn’t want Stevie to cheat on Stephanie, despite asking ‘Are you spending more time with me than her?’ Love, not being funny but you landed less than 36 hours ago, what do you think. ‘Billie isn’t you. If I got a knock on my door and there was one girl in the world that it was, I’d want it to be you,’ says Stevie, before they go in for a hug. Billie isn’t going to like this. But Spencer will.
Hero of the week
I am going to award this to Rosie, who might not like a slutty board game, but she knows where she stands and she isn’t afraid to say it - but most importantly, she is able to force down cheesy apple pie without regurgitating it back into a diner napkin. I suspect that’s more than the Queen of England is capable of. Top foreign ambassador work, Rosie Fortescue.
Villain of the week
Can we keep giving this to either Spencer Matthews or Jamie Biscuits? Probably not. But we have to mention the fact that Spencer has a worse attitude to love than I had towards Donkey Kong Country when I was 12 and refused to accept I was no good at it, but kept slamming the reset button until the SNES broke. And worse, that Jamie Biscuits thinks it’s OK to get into bed with his lady mates, just in case they wake up and want to get sexy, when at best, they’ll think ‘Urgh, who is this loser interloper who has stolen my pillow? He smells of hot dog costume.’
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.