Let’s hear it for New York! Concrete jungle where Spencer will shag you, then Lucy will off-slag you! Now they’re in New York! Possibly more hot tubs to thwart Jamie Biscuits, we bet he’ll still risk it, Stevie’s still a big dork!
We’ve been waiting all summer, and weeping all over Mark Francis’ Instagram feed like the real Daisy B weeping all over Gatsby’s shirts, but we’re finally in Manhattan with Team MiC, minus the members that had already paid a deposit to go to Malaga with their mums.
‘I’m literally in my element!’ grins Louise, as she sashays around midtown with a collection of the sort of stiff, glossy shopping bags that were designed to give poor people paper cuts. Anyone about to mention Louise’s misuse of the English language should be aware that on exiting JFK, she was suspended within a transparent block of tungsten.
‘Promise we can take in all the sights,’ Fran says to Cheska. ‘And bars.’ Thank goodness. Could you imagine spending the summer sober while Biscuits blearily asked you, ‘Would you like to be a Candy Kitten?’ at 15 minute intervals?
Mark-Francis and Victoria are enjoying an elegant icy beverage on the Loeb boathouse terrace. ‘The thing is, New York doesn’t ever let you rest,’ murmurs Mark, as a few blocks away, at a ‘Welcome To Manhattan’ brunch, Biscuits is pouring Champagne all over Proudlock’s face while screaming ‘PARDY!’ and cramming cupcakes into non-consenting mouths.
Mark, I’m sure that if New York got wind of what Biscuits was up to, they’d be straight over with 48 Ambien, a gallon of Horlicks and a 72-hour long mix of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. ‘It’s like a religion here to go to brunch on Sunday,’ adds Rosie, wryly. Because no-one goes for brunch in Chelsea, do they? Everyone sits around their dirty flats weeping into mugs of Cheerios. No-one has even heard of a Bloody Mary.
Once Biscuits has poured most of the Champagne on the floor and become marginally calmer, he starts to hatch a sexy plan with Spenny. ‘We’re English, we’re in New York, which means…’
Spenny interrupts, ‘Stevie might get laid!’. Stevie makes a tawdry claim that he has been ‘cleaning up’ in London, which elicits the sort of response you might expect. ‘What, cleaning up, like, mess? Are you short of money?’.
Stevie is sent to put the ‘groundwork’ in for Biscuits and Spenny, in the same way that put-upon members of Bieber’s entourage probably have to befriend zoo keepers and find out if there are any monkeys going spare.
Lucy, being short on pals, is keen to find some American friends, and starts chatting to Billie, the goddaughter of one of Mark-Francis’ bffs. ‘I love your… is it a dress? I have mainly like guy friends, have you got a boyfriend?’ It’s an attack on all fronts. Give Lucy your boyfriend, Billie no pants, or you’ll be sorry!
Luckily, Spenny and Biscuits zero in on Billie so very quickly that the pair of them may have actually reversed time. Biscuits attempts to woo her as only he can - with the offer of free sweets. ‘I haven’t tried Jamie’s sweets, they’ve got meat in them,’ sniffs Lucy, as Billie and Spenny recoil in horror. It suits her interests better if Billie doesn’t find out about gelatine, but imagines Biscuits as a monster who suspends corned beef in jelly, for fun.
It doesn’t unduly bother Biscuits, who is later spotted dancing a mad semaphore with Spencer, both in coordinated neon framed sunglasses. It’s about one o’clock in the afternoon, guys! I guess, with jet lag, that makes it… about 6pm. Right.
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Binky is back! She meets her big sister Anna Louise in Grand Central, and drops a bombshell – she’s dumped Alex! ‘You can take my bag if you like!’ she says cheerfully, knowing an opportunity when she sees one.
And back at brunch, Stevie is putting groundwork in with Lucy, Louise and Rosie. The girls barely notice his redundant efforts. ‘Why do you have to be so rude all the time?’ Rosie asks a sniffy Lucy. ‘Because you’re a fucking bitch!’ explains Lucy. She’s really taken to the US reality format, where one has to make a point of not being there to make friends.
We learn that Binky’s luggage contains a smelly pillow, which is somehow supposed to give her comfort and succour during her single girl era, and that Proudlock is making the bois play baseball with Alik, his leather supplier.
Rosie, Louise, Cheska and Fran enjoy some rooftop yoga, especially Rosie, who is quite happy when the instructor offers some practical assistance. ‘I could feel his dick on my back!’ she squeals, her RP reverberating like it only can when one finds true spiritual enlightenment.
Louise goes off to flirt with the yoga man – it’s like watching a baby puffin cracking onto a giraffe – when she has to take an important phone call from Binky, who is ringing to confirm that she is Alex-less in Manhattan. Everyone is thrilled apart from Cheska, who is shakily stating that they’ll never be friends again. Cheska, I’ve been more convinced by mini cab drivers complaining they’re ‘just coming round the corner’.
Via Times Square and an hilariously apposite news ticker message about the ‘looming global debt crisis’, the bois are heading to Hell’s Kitchen to go bowling. ‘I’m not quite settled,’ whinges Biscuits, who is presumably still having Champagne and cupcake-related tummy troubles.
Spenny is even more cross. He went to Los Tacos, for the ‘best Mexican food in New York’ only to find ‘a hole in the wall, like McDonald’s!’ Bois, bois, they do have Benihana here. In fact, you can probably find a special restaurant that will deliver the food straight to your mouth via a tiny train.
Rosie, Binky, Louise and co are doing a little better with a sushi picnic in Bryant Square – until we learn that crab makes Louise shit herself.
The bois are planning a house pardy, after Proudlock suggests, ‘Why don’t you come to NoHo, check out the crib?’ and no-one punches him for it, or wets themselves laughing. In fact, Spencer makes it worse. ‘We’ll get a paddling pool… some sort of lubricant…’ AND SCENE.
Lucy has invited Stevie to her spinster pad – and she’s in full and glorious keene. ‘Louise hates me, so I hate her back. I love being friends with girls, but they don’t love being friends with me,’ she wails. Lucy, this is a total shot in the dark, but you might do a bit better if at least one out of two sentences didn’t have the word ‘me’ in it.
Even Stevie isn’t falling for her chat, pointing out that she probably isn’t putting Billie off Spencer and Biscuits for humanitarian reasons, and making fun of her overuse of ‘yah’. Does anyone else think Lucy may have been sneaking off for elocution lessons in the MiC holidays? Did she get sent to the same place Thatcher went to be de-Granthamed?
Lucy urges Stevie to play down his natural sweetness and friendliness, explaining that Billie loves bad boys, then introduces him to Billie as ‘nice, sweet and into fashion,’ with a pointed nod at his shirt, which may have been purloined from a staff member at Disney’s Cabana Boys Beach Club.
Stevie doesn’t help himself by inviting Billie to the ‘rad’ party. ‘Do people still say that?’ ‘I don’t think they ever did say that,’ replies Billie, kindly, although she does trot off after him. Perhaps she’s confused about his dated slang, and thinks he’s a sexy older man. Maybe that was his plan all along.
In case the obligatory, constant yells of ‘We’re in New York!’ haven’t made it obvious - maybe you were confused about the times and only just tuned in – the producers have gone out of their way to stress that we’re in the States because the pardy beverages are being consumed from red cups.
The bois are greeting each other with, ‘S’up, my brother’ – PLEASE END THIS – and leather supplier Alik has taken a shine to Louise. ‘So, you wanna go on a date? You’re lovely, you’re pleasant, you have a nice smile…’ Either Alik is refreshingly-direct and charming, or there’s some truth in the cliche about our American cousins having a greater interest in dental care than we do.
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Billie catches up with her, er, god-friend? Mark Francis, and asks if he knows Lucy. ‘WHO?’ he bellows, as chic when deaf as in life. Victoria rescues the situation. ‘I don’t really know Lucy so well, but if you want to get to know the boys she’s your best bet. She’s very manipulative.’ Oooooh. Saucer of Half And Half for Victoria! But she’s not wrong.
Binky makes friends with Cheska again as only she knows how, by sidling over to a table of pink cups and saying ‘Ah, the vodka!’ Cheska melts faster than a box of choc ices that a drunk person has balanced on a barbecue. Binky adds, ‘I never thought what you were saying was untrue, but love is blind and I couldn’t hear what you were saying.’ Nothing more romantic than a mixed metaphor. But we couldn’t be happier that they’re pals again.
Now that she’s sorted out Cheska, Binky goes in search of Biscuits, who is less amenable. ‘It wasn’t helpful when you shouted ‘bullshit’ when I was making the speech with Alex at the country house,’ she complains. ‘You’ve broken up, it is bullshit,’ he rejoins. Never let the truth get in the way of good manners, eh, Biscuits.
He adds that he wants Alex to come back out, and that he’ll be ditching Binky as soon as Mytton’s stupid quiff is brushing up against the booth at passport control. Biscuits then passes Binky onto Lucy, who mutters sulky, graceless, defensive platitudes until Binky gets bored and hugs it out of her. ‘I’m sorry if I ever upset you,’ murmurs Lucy, which we know is a rubbish apology, up there with ‘Apologies if it hurt when I punched you’ and ‘Well, you could have told me you didn’t want me to eat your sandwich.’
But the award for being totally classless goes to Spenny, who clocks Billie talking to Stevie and sweeps in with the world’s least convincing impression of Hugh Grant circa 1996. ‘Can I buy, uh, um, you an, er, drink at some point. Or a full meal. Of, er, food. Or you could show me round?’ Stevie is understandably cross. ‘HAVEN’T YOU BEEN IN NEW YORK QUITE A LOT?’ he intones, as Billie blinks her big eyes into Spenny’s sweaty face and is lost forever. Take back that man’s visa waiver form!
Hero of the week
This is for brilliant, brave, Binky, who gets all the awards. Cheers to chucking Alex! Cheers to coming to New York all on your own! Cheers to you giving us cause to find out that crabs make Louise poo herself! And we’re so happy that you’re pals with Cheska again. It’s a romance for the ages. It started before MiC, and we want to say it will run after it has ended - only MiC can never, ever end.
Villain of the week
It’s hard to call a villain this early, but Biscuits has not done much to improve the reputation of Brits abroad. In fact, his antics on the terrace make What Happens In Kavos look like a 6pm Martini at the Algonquin round table. Then he has the audacity to go over Binky’s head and lure Mytton to Manhattan, probably for loads of orgies and meat sweet feasts. Boooooo!
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.