We’re well into the Autumn series, so the gang are breaking out some predictably strong looks - Spenny is soignee in a striped vest, bombing it down an Etonian lake with Biscuits and slagging off Proudlock. He does not say anything about being on the run from a touring production of South Pacific, and being made to sing ‘There Is Nothing Like A Dame’, but then, he doesn’t need to. The vest explains it all for him.
Proudlock, hearing no evil, is back in London rivalling the weirdness of Spenny’s wardrobe choice with a collared corduroy gilet that appears to be the creepy, corporeal form of a book of carpet samples. He’s discussing Biscuits’ anger with Alik and Stevie, which does not seem to be abating. But the more belligerent Biscuits gets, the more powerful Proudlock’s mellow. Has Biscuits got blowback coming out of his ears where steam should be? Andy is team Biscuits, proudly telling Lucy ‘I called Proudlock out!’ when all he’s done is make everyone feel a bit shitty. Andy, the only place where anyone wants you to go and ‘tell it like it is’ is the auditorium at a Jeremy Kyle recording.
Victoria and Mark Francis are on another date with George. Who is not trying to have sex with whom? Mark Francis only has eyes for George’s horse. ‘I’ve got a carpet like you at home!’ he coos. Only Mark Francis could have a carpet that costs forty quid a week to feed and leaves lavish craps in the middle of the road. After allowing Mark Francis to compare her to a ‘naughtier’ Jane Eyre, Victoria suddenly starts slagging off Sophie. She’s a witch and a snake. Not even an exotic snake. ‘A regular brown snake. Some friends are…seasonal,’ she tells a baffled George. What did Sophie do? Did she eat Victoria’s favourite Birkin, out of boredom? Smile at a lady in a shop? Attempt to make a joke? Like George, we’re agog.
Louise may or may not still be bothered about Alik and the cheating rumours, but Rosie and Binky reckon she ought to be. ‘If people are asking, you’re not a psycho,’ explains Rosie, which is code for ‘I HAVE to see screenshots of those texts, the curiosity burns like cystitis.’ Spencer and Biscuits share the story with Alex, anyway, on the bois night out. Alex’s hair is more full of secrets than ever. If he were a Buckingham Palace guard, Prince Phillip would take him to one side and tell him to stop showing off and get a more subtle, regulation busby. Biscuits is still convinced that Alik did it, because Proudlock says he didn’t, and Proudlock is shagging Lucy, and lately Biscuits hasn’t been able to put his willy anywhere more interesting than the centre of a pack of Party Rings. Alex has the audacity to joke ‘Rumours are often not true,’ and then claims he’s happy that Binky has a date with Will. ‘I didn’t want her to…sink…’ he says, cheerfully, before Spenny and Biscuits fill him in on Will’s handsomeness, sweetness, sportiness and sexual prowess. Alex visibly withers, like a flower on a David Attenborough documentary that is being rewound. HA!
And Binky is having fun! Will has taken her for champagne at the aquarium. Will does a questionable magic trick with a folding fish, and then asks her to rate the date. ‘It gets a nine. It can’t be ten unless it’s eshtrordinary,” she slurs, happily. I think Will gets 10 for his generosity with top ups.
At a girls’ dinner, the pressure is being piled on Louise to make Alik show her the phone. ‘Don’t paint the devil on the wall just yet,’ suggests Sophie. We hope that’s a metaphor, but having seen Alik’s art, who knows?! Sophie might have been abandoned by Victoria, but she has found herself some new chums. ‘I never had a problem with you,’ murmurs Lucy, which is the Watson version of ‘We are soul sisters, joined at the hip! To the Best Friends necklace shop!’
Andy tells Stevie off for giving Lucy bad Proudlock advice, which is a bit rich, and Sam accuses Biscuits of looking like Proudlock, when Biscuits claims he’s channelling Indiana Jones. SORRY BISCUITS, WE DON’T THINK YOU KNOW YOUR WAY AROUND THE BUSH! BA-BOOM. Then Spencer comes along and whinges about Proudlock’s ‘dishonesty’. Proudlock rolls up and tries to calm everyone down, Biscuits grinds his jaw so frantically that for a second we think we’re watching a European cheese advert with poor dubbing, and Alik loses his mind, loudly, yelling ‘PLEASE DON’T BLEND YOUR BOY PROBLEMS INTO MY RELATIONSHIP.’ which lightens the mood marginally because it sounds like he’s talking about excessive jizz.
Weirdly, Alik gets over it by jamming with Andy, which is a little bit weird for Louise when she arrives at her house to discover her ex on the sofa, even if she can only just see him over Buddy the Giant Dog. Louise isn’t so thrown that she can’t stick to her plan. She asks Alik to show her the mystery text, and then calls the texter. ‘I gave her my number! That’s what you do in New York!’ protests Alik, which is a dubious excuse. He may as well break into next door and sit in his pants eating their Shredded Wheat, meeting any complaints with ‘Your problem is that Brits just aren’t neighbourly’. Alik is proved right, but the event feels wrong. ‘Next time, take my word for it. If you’re not going to trust me, I’m not going to do it. Period.’ Spenny commiserates with him at Will’s birthday. Spencer, if you hadn’t turned Louise into a paranoid wreck who wasn’t able to smell another woman’s perfume without wetting herself, we wouldn’t have this problem, would we?
On the way to Will’s birthday we learn that Binky’s sister Anna Louise was possibly conceived by the sink, while Mummy Felstead was brushing her teeth. George has a bizarre conversation with Sophie (‘She said you were a…brown snake? Seasonal’) and Biscuits finally apologises to Proudlock for being a massive tool. Proudlock then apologises to Lucy for the endless dating and leading on. ‘Women are beautiful, yet complex,’ muses Stevie, helpfully. Thanks for that, mate. I hope you write a poem about it. Binky lets down Will gently, and Will points out that it is his birthday and he doesn’t want to get ‘mugged off’. Come on now, that’s TOWIE talk! Get out, or Mark Francis will set the dogs on you! Or the horse rug. And finally, Sophie confronts Victoria, who has an explanation of sorts. ‘Someone said you were doing black magic on me. That’s why I was upset.’ If this is the producers’ attempt to give this episode a Halloween theme, it isn’t really working for me. But if this is a proper, long running storyline, bring it on. We want to see Sophie in a cloak, cackling and waving a bag of drawing pins.
Hero of the week
It has to be Mummy Felstead, for the sink confession. If we’re ever sad that our sex lives are less than Hollywood, we only need to look at her and be inspired by our bodies and our bathrooms. Also it’s a testament to the fact that she’s such a fox she even looks hot when she’s brushing her teeth.
Villain of the week
Buddy is going into the dog house, because he’s wearing out little Louise and we can’t see her face. She’s not even allowed to ride him home from the shops, when she could definitely sit on his back and save a fortune in cab fare. Alik, give your number to anyone you like but could you please take some responsibility for your sodding dog.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Made In Chelsea Episode 3: Lucy Gets New Hair, Louise Gets A Scare And Biscuits Says 'It's Not Fair!'
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.