It begins with the bois playing some kind of posh sport entirely unconvincingly, Louise admitting that she and Alik are no longer riding each other on the regular, and Victoria waddling about in a fur coat so wide that one would struggle to get it down an easy access aisle at Waitrose. Thank heavens that’s a problem she’ll never have. Lauren brags about the fact that Spencer is giving her a key - mate, there’s a Timpsons in the King’s Road precinct that’s doing a two for one, unless he’s getting it vajazzled I wouldn’t get too excited - and Spencer mutters to his chums about how weird it is that Lauren wants a key, but he’s happy to take the path of least resistance as long as she officially moves out of his flat.
Jess tells Sloaney spare part Millie that Andy has suggested a kiss ‘but it was quite forward…I went red and laughed it off.’ Millie is horrified and simultaneously, visibly aroused. This develops when Jess tells her she’s got a double date coming with Mytton and Nicola. Millie knows that Jess might claim not to kiss on first dates, but also that Jess would throw her pants over a prison wall if someone else’s boyfriend was in inside doing time. Millie wouldn’t kiss anyone on a first date, or before she had a ring on her finger, but she also feels a bit squirmy in her own pants whenever anyone uses the expression ‘do it’.
Lauren and Fran trap Victoria and Mark Francis, and attempt to slag off Stephanie as Mark murmurs ‘How was the ballet?’ and makes distress signals with his eyes at passing cabs. Poor Victoria is dragged out for dinner where she, unusually, takes a stance against Lauren’s vulgarity (‘It’s no-one else’s place to give anyone else relationship advice’) and Lauren, who seems to think she’s part of an entirely different conversation altogether, says ‘Revenge is a dish best served cold.’ No, Lauren! You’re thinking of M&S’s pea and ham hock soup!
We learn Alik is going into some kind of decline since moving in with Proudlock and Stevie, and he’s spending all his time watching Netflix, scratching his balls and petting Buddy, who he appears to have tranquilised. Biscuits says, meaningfully ‘You know when you start going out with a girl and they put on a couple of pounds…’ Alik, Biscuits is no longer hot for you! It’s time to regain sexual self consciousness and take off the onesie! ‘I feel comfortable where I am,’ insists Alik. Sure you do, dude! Near the Lotus Biskoff and the spoons.
Andy bumps into Binky and Fleur, and is so smitten with the latter that he very nearly trips and falls over his own pre cum. Fleur’s own lady boner is so pronounced that anyone who made the mistake of watching the show in 3D glasses will now be legally blind. E4 are obligated to train a labrador for you - see their website for further details. Oh, sorry - you probably can’t. Still, that experience is less painful than the big double date, where Mytton admits he’s a bit jealous of the fact that Biscuits texts Jess so much, then wees himself with glee when he receives a message from Fleur. Jess fancies him 500 per cent more as soon as she hears the ping.
Spencer, possibly after reading a weird Dale Carnegie guide about winning friends, influencing people and making sure your crazy girlfriend definitely doesn’t sneak back into your flat after you’ve forced her to move out, is sat facing Lauren and trying to establish exactly why she thinks she needs a key. Lauren is more interested in slagging off Steph (‘I saw her jogging!’) and Spencer looks wearier than a father of four who decided to take his kids to Bilbao, on a P&O ferry, for the August bank holiday. Elsewhere Lauren’s bad nature and meanness get a thorough kicking from Louise, Josh, Alik and Stephanie, who are drinking wine that costs 65 grand and tastes like bark because it was the only way to get Alik out of the house.
Spencer is getting some brogues made, and Alik has been forced out, against his will, to help. He has become such a shut in that he is now giving shoes the stink eye. He’d never have to go outside if it wasn’t for shoes. Let’s hope that next week the gang go to a slipper factory. We learn Spenny lost a size in shoe weight! And Biscuits and Andy might kill each other over the Jess/Fleur situation. Is this a love trapezium? A love rhombus? If you have a B or above in GCSE Maths, do get in touch and help.
Rosie has organised a private viewing party in a gallery for everyone, presumably because there were two Wowchers on offer and that was more telegenic than the weekend TEFL course. Stephanie tells Lauren to stop talking about her, which goes badly, and Fleur makes a dramatic play for Andy, having curled her hair in a way which means she could double for Frederick from series one. As Spencer says, ‘Great art doesn’t make statements, it asks questions.’ MIC must be more artistic than Mark Francis’ downstairs loo, because I have many, many questions right now.
Hero of the week
It’s got to be the magnificently naive new girl Millie, who is bringing Mallory Towers to MIC. ‘Tonsil tennis galore’ is going to be on our lips all week.
Villain of the week
Obviously it’s Lauren, who is so hilariously pantomime awful that every time she appears we expect to see Nicola and Fleur behind her, dressed as a single horse.
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Made In Chelsea 9.2 - Josh Is No Fun, Nicola Impresses No-one And Stephanie Is Done!
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.