What a load of pony! It begins with Alik, mounted on horseback, and we immediately think ‘Hurrah! He’s getting Vitamin D! He’s not in a onesie! He will not catch rickets and scurvy from just being in England! Josh is poisoning all the fresh air by slagging off Lucy to anyone who will listen - we suspect that even his horse is suspicious of his bitching. On that theme, Toff is having some ‘girl time’ which usually means some serious slagging off is about to happen. However, she just says she ran into Elliot and twiddles her hair a bit, and even weird Millie can read the universal signal for ‘He gives me fizzy knickers.’
Elsewhere Elliot, that brawny, horny hotty who makes the girls giddy throughout London town is tucking into a delicious portion of homemade bircher muesli. He hasn’t made any for JP, who grumbles for a bit and then generously suggests that he could organise a ‘chilled hang out’ for Elliot and Toff. Them’s erection shrinking words. Still, one suspects that Elliot could sustain a boner if he dipped his dick in a beaker full of hydrochloric acid.
Perpetually priapic Biscuits is also longing for some lady love. He really wants Jess, and likes her so much that he can lie on the ground with his scalp touching Mytton’s and Emily’s without saying ‘You don’t have nits, do you? Hahahahahahaha I’m joking!’ when he is legitimately a bit concerned that they might both be riddled. Nits do like clean hair. Biscuits then decides to share the fact that Jess sees Mytton as ‘unfinished business’. No, Biscuits! That massive pile of invoices gathering dust on your desk is unfinished business! You haven’t been in your office all series, man! You need to sort out the Kitten’s National Insurance payments! We also learn that Biscuits tries to say ‘long story short’ but it comes out ‘long story, long story’ which isn’t shortening anything. Idiot.
An awful, awkward ballet class leads to Josh and Lucy having a run in so awkward that I can’t watch it and hide in my bathroom trying to chisel some grout off a towel with some nail scissors. Toff gets her hair done by Brazilian Russell Brand while Mark Francis and Victoria watch, champagne in hand, trying and failing to explain what Japanese denim is. Toff tells them about Elliot. ‘Guy? Hang out? It all sounds a bit public house, moulded glass in hand, foaming substance within.’ Mark Francis should definitely make beer adverts. It would be hilarious and brilliant.
Back at ballet Binky and JP plan a double date with James and Lucy, who says ‘Ewww!’ when she heard that James fancies her, as if he’s that boy from school who always had damp wrists because he couldn’t stop chewing his cuffs. Biscuits rings Mytton to tell him about the unfinished business, and Mytton says ‘Go away! I’m going to tell Nicola that I love her!’ This scene has no purpose other than to remind us all that they are still sponsored by Sony and are contractually obliged to use those weird, clunky phones.
Biscuits makes a play for Jess (‘I’m going to give you time to think about it. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?’) and Toff hosts a shoot, which she has somehow confused with the loaves and fishes bit of the bible. There’s enough bread here to kill everyone in Hollywood in 2003. Perhaps someone said ‘Elliot will be into you if you get your baps out’? It’s the only explanation. Josh pours poison into Stephanie’s ear, over the sound of the gunshot. Mate, shut up about Lucy and have a sandwich. Alik is super excited about the buffet - let’s hope this is because he’s regained his old lust for life, and he’s not just indulging his new lust for refined sugars.
The double date is bloody ping pong, because the ping pong bar now doubles as a studio for the MIC crew - if you’ve ever tried to get a table at Bounce in Holborn you might as well give up and put your own table tennis table in the garage. JP is completely adorable and everyone has a lovely time, but this is immediately ruined when we cut to another bar, in which Josh and Lucy are going at each other like Drag Race contestants who have set fire to each other’s wigs. “You’re not letting me talk!” whines Josh. “Because I’m still speaking!” snaps Lucy. We don’t know why that turned us on, but it did.
Jess runs off to the Scala to see Andy - because going from SW6 to N1 constitutes a tour now, apparently. ‘Jamie has proposed himself as a potential date. I’m not going to wait for you,’ she tells him, instead of saying ‘Please go out with me! I really like you!’ like a normal person. Andy isn’t going to tread on Biscuit’s Hob Nobbed boots, and a sulky Jess is left to prop up the bar on her own. We suspect Andy is better off out of it.
Hero of the week
It’s early days but we’re crowning JP, because he is a human puppy and who doesn’t love puppies! Hooray for JP, Binky and love! No more ping pong though, please! If it was a spectator sport, it would be on telly. Maybe next time you can all play darts instead.
Villain of the week
I think Josh has already has this and we don’t want to be accused of lacking imagination, which means we’re a bit stuck. We’re going to give it to the buyer for the Chelsea boutique Stevie was in - the one that stocks bedazzled hats and fluffy boots, because if that look catches on it’s going to be worse than the summer of Von Dutch.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.