Firstly, bally hoo and tally-ho! Pop the corks, sound the trumpets, bang an M&S lobster thermidor in the microwave and sip something fizzy out of your Nan’s best crystal - this is the hundredth episode of MIC to air. That means - give or take a few adverts for The Other Woman and Lucy’s lovely pink razors - we have had a hundred hours of pardies, of weepy bridge close ups, of drink flinging, heaving, baffling trips to the polo, headless, blurry girls with Kelvin tans tripping up the King’s Road, mysterious clothes shops with no transactions and no customers, and home made sushi sessions. It’s been a total joy. And this episode begins with the most #madeinchelsea moment of all #madeinchelsea moments - Spencer telling Biscuits that he’s been drinking, he’s done something bad, and he needs a secret kept.
Lucy and Binky are sitting down, staring at loaded brunch plates, looking bewildered. ‘Shall we just eat it?’ asks Binky, as if she’s new to food, restaurants and cutlery. Happily Secret Squirrel Spencer and Big Secret Keeper Biscuits turn up and show them what to do with the eggs, revealing that Spenny has been on the sauce after a series of sober nights with Lauren. It’s a bit awkward until Mark Francis turns up, which is delightful for everyone apart from Mark Francis, who hears Spencer screaming his name at the bar and eyes him as though he’s the Queen, Spencer is Uncle Gary and he’s just been invited to Maison Du Bang Bang.
Mark is having a white tie party - the difference between black tie and white tie being, he explains to Toff, everything. The invitations will have a riddle to keep the riff raff (and their knees) out, and Victoria will wear a crown, because she is ‘superior’. Spencer calls Mark ‘mate’, and Mark is so horrified and confused that he accidentally accepts an invitation to go boozing with the bois. Biscuits wants Mark to do a keg stand. ‘One might occasionally do a jeroboam of Dom stand,’ he suggests. Oh, bless his heart, he’s trying in such a kind way. Even though one knows that he’s getting through it by silently meditating on his happy place - Nicky Haslam’s front room. Booze has brought out Spencer’s inner Chris Packham. ‘I think it would be fun to purchase an owl, and write a little note, and clip it to its talon or whatever it has, and write a little note saying “I belong to Spencer Matthews” and see if the owl gets returned to you,’ he muses. The bois all laugh, but I agree! Spenny, it would be delightful, and I’d be happy to supply the owl. I’m not sure where you buy them from, but I don’t mind hanging out in a tree at night with a packet of custard tarts, and seeing what happens…
Elsewhere Lauren is struggling to deal with the fact that Spencer didn’t come home to her one night - as we are struggling to deal with the fact that she still lives in Spencer’s flat. She’s beating a punching bag with a stick, which doesn’t appear to be part of any recognised fitness regime but looks very satisfying all the same. Proudlock is drawing a ‘farewell family portait’ of Alik and Stevie - Louise doesn’t get to be in the portrait, but she’s allowed to model as Proudlock and wear one of his Alex DeLarge hats. This doesn’t seem like a fun way for Alik to spend his last hours in London, but he makes it up to Lou by taking her to a beautiful London park with plug sockets. He’s gone all out - there are so many burning candles and Christmassy lights that we worry Alik is going to place Louise in a coffin and sacrifice her to Santa. He’s got a cracking picnic going too - is that strawberries and ham? Alik, when someone told you that was a typical British dish they were taking the piss. Alik is being dead romantic, and shares the tender, loving sentiment that overwhelmed him the first time he laid eyes on Louise. ‘Wow, look at that hot number!’
Mark opens his box, and the invitations go out - the riddle reads ‘Crack enigma noble to unlock rapturous youth’. Sam and Toff can’t work it out, but I think it spells ‘Century’, as in one hundred. I suspect the answer is less hard than your average round of Catchphrase, but I’m super smug anyway. Spencer’s loose lips let Lucy know there were girls at his sleepover with Biscuits, and he then goes off to have a massive fight with Lauren, who appears to be sleeping on his sofa. Perhaps Spencer’s biggest mistake was to say that he had to stay with Biscuits because he was too drunk to bike home. Spencer, Lauren will never believe that you don’t know about Uber.
It’s pardy time and it turns out that I was right about the password! Ahahahahaha! After Lucy forced Jess to flip a coin in order to make a decision about Biscuits, she decides to take his tiara - because according to party rules, a tiara means you’re ‘taken’, and not that you’re an aspiring pageant participant who has been killing time in Claire’s Accessories. ‘This is me putting my ring on you,’ he says, solemnly. I think that might actually be a reference to pegging. Spencer, looking a little bit like Brian Blessed would if he’d been miscast in a Kit Marlowe play, leads Biscuits and Mytton down to the basement of repetitive beats. After some painful probing from Lucy, we learn his secret. He kissed a girl who wasn’t Lauren, and he liked it. Spencer rushes to tell Lauren before Lucy gets there, claiming that it’s OK this time because he feels really, really bad at it. Lauren throws champagne at him, although the liquid hits him at an angle that doesn’t appear to have come from her glass, and it’s strangely viscous - more like contact lens solution than sparkling wine. She then storms down the steps and off into the night, her beautiful bright orange ballgown becoming dramatically wider at the bottom, as if she’s an insect that makes itself much bigger and more poisonous looking when a big snoggy bastard predator turns up. Cheating, drink flinging and maximum Mark Francis. This is why I’ve watched a hundred times. Bravo, Chelseas!
Hero of the week
Let’s here it for one of Chelsea’s biggest, handsomest and most slobbery - Buddy the Dog. We’re going to miss you, pal. Let’s hope you don’t get caught up in a Johnny Depp style quarantine controversy.
Villain of the week
We could give it to Spencer, but then I’d put money on Alex cheating on Nicola next week - so I’m going to award this to the person who armed Lauren with the big stick. I will sleep less easily in my bed tonight, knowing that Lauren Hutton is on the loose in the greater London area, and she has a big stick.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.