May I offer you some unsolicited advice? It’s NEVER GIVE ANYONE UNSOLICITED ADVICE, EVER. Unsolicited advice is more irritating than the red, sweaty, prickly patch of heat that you get between your thighs when you run for the bus on a hot day. It’s more dispiriting than opening the curtains of your lovely farmhouse and realising that Theresa Bloody May has jogged through your field of wheat in the night. People who give unsolicited advice are worse than people who sit next to you on the train when the rest of the carriage is empty.
I hate it. I hate it so much. If I want your help, I will ask for it, and by that I mean I will Google it and end up in a very depressing Reddit forum which makes me loathe humankind and leaves me even less likely to ask an actual human being how to roast a chicken or how to get red wine out of pyjamas. So, Biscuits is already on for villain of the week, before the first Made In Chelsea ad break, for offering to ply Melissa with unsolicited business advice. He’s only doing it to wind up Harry Baron. If he really wants to upset him, he’d do better to say ‘I know where you should get your hair cut!’ or ‘You know what you’re doing wrong? You’re not drying your potatoes with kitchen towel first.’
Liv bumps into Sam and Harry, who both stink of booze and are still wearing last night’s underpants, and feels a pang for her single, pre Digby days. Poor Liv! You know you’re not having a good time when you’re jealous of someone else’s hangover. Louise bumps into Alik and Proudlock in a coffee shop, in order to remind us that Alik and Ryan have made it up. She’s writing her book, which is all about her ‘transformation’ – presumably that’s the transformation into the sort of person who can only be a Writer, with a capital ‘W’, if she’s seen by an audience of other Macbook toting, £4 matcha latte drinking Writers whose ‘process’ is, essentially, pretending to look intellectual while browsing New In on ASOS. (It takes one to know one. Ahem.)
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Biscuits ambushes Melissa in her office, ready to wield the sort of wisdom that usually comes from Amazon Createspace authors and Christmas crackers. ‘I’m here to save the day. You’ve got 20 minutes. Every single day when I wake up I roar like a lion. Dogs are too weak for me, I’m a lion!’ he, um, explains? He then asks Melissa a series of pervy questions about what she looks like in a bikini. I bet the Candy Kittens shareholders are delighted by this exchange! So good for business! Biscuits asks Melissa out for dinner roughly 19 times, even though she keeps saying no. We keep talking about this. ‘Never give up! Always follow your dreams! Turn those nos into yeses!’ is annoying when it’s a slogan superimposed over a sunset by a wannabe #instapreneur. When it’s a man asking a woman to do something she has clearly said she does not want to do, the dial is turned all the way up to wrong. It’s not just creepy, it’s aggressive, disrespectful, unpleasant and shitty. We need to end the narrative. Persistence isn’t romantic. If a woman wants to spend time with a man, she’ll let him know. C’est tout. Endov.
Just when we were worrying that humanity had reached its crumby nadir, Liv’s Mum Katie redeems the episode by talking about how she knew she was in love with Liv’s Dad. ‘There was a tremendous sense of homecoming. I just wanted to be with him.’ She adds that it’s important to be with someone who doesn’t make you feel lost. ‘You want to look in the mirror when you brush your teeth and see the true person looking back.’ Liv looks glum. I hope she and Digby haven’t ordered headed paper for their events company…
Boulle is practising his ballet and it’s all a bit…well, have you ever pooed yourself at a festival? And you have that moment of total horror, which consumes your face, and your eyes dilate with terror, but your jaw becomes very set, because in the half second it has taken for your brain to process the situation, you realise that you can’t confide in anyone, and your only option is to waddle off to a Portaloo and deal with it in secret? That’s Boulle’s ballet face. This must be what he meant earlier when he told Fred he was trying to understand ‘the human body and its movements’. Boulle is planning to make an appearance in the upcoming recital, despite the fact that his talent is even less convincing than his newfound enthusiasm. ‘Cameo, or camel toe?’ deadpans Sophie.
Sneaky Melissa decides to play Biscuits at his own game, and decides she will go for dinner, Liv shares her relationship woes with everyone but Digby, and Alik gets his hair cut with Buddy the dog. Harry has a solution for Liv – they must GET OUT OF LONDON! But where? A night at the Champneys in Hemel Hempstead? Bowling in Milton Keynes. Or a trip to Sri Lanka? Liv doesn’t know how to ask Digby if she can go on hols without him, but Harry reckons Melissa will be cool. I think Harry is being wildly optimistic about this. ‘You’re going to eat delicious noodles on the beach without me? Cool, bring me back a nice overpriced teapot shaped like an elephant!’ said no-one ever. Over dinner, Melissa calls Biscuits on his bullshit. ‘I keep dreaming about you! I dreamed you were pretending to mentor me to fuck Harry off! That’s not real, is it?’ It’s quite a powerful way to shame someone for their nonsense – to reverse Dallas them. Biscuits protests but he has the grace to go quite pink.
Boulle bails on his ballet performance, claiming, mid massage, that he threw his back out doing a grand jeté. I’m more suspicious about the fact that he took a call when he had his head in the massage hole. Every single massage practitioner forces you to turn your phone off before they’ll even consider opening their little bottle of oil. Digby is predictably outraged about Liv’s trip, and so is Melissa, who is more than a little miffed that Liv has asked for her not to come. ‘When you say it like that, it does sound bad,’ admits Harry. Told you that you should have gone to Hemel Hempstead. There’s no way Melissa would be cross about that.
Hero of the week
I’m quite tempted to give it to Boulle, because he might have failed to execute a perfect pas de deux but skipping his own recital for a massage is a flake move that cannot be topped. And there’s a special shout out to Victoria for resisting the urge to balletsplain after 16 years of training. Nice tutu! Also highly commended – Melissa for refusing to let Biscuits get away with his awfulness.
Villain of the week
We know it’s Biscuits. Where do we begin? Firstly, for badgering a woman who runs her own business, speaking over her and presuming your experience and wisdom is greater than hers. Secondly, for being a persistent choad who won’t take no for an answer. Thirdly, for using a woman and exploiting her dignity to score points against her boyfriend. BOO, Biscuits. And we’re not saying Booscuits.
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Reality TV couples you forgot about - stacked
1 of 31Made In Chelsea: Jamie Laing and Louise Thompson
Remember when Jamie and Louise dated (much to Spencer Matthews' dismay) in 2012? Louise then left Jamie for Spencer, causing a very traumatic love triangle indeed. Poor Jamie.
2 of 31TOWIE: Mark Wright and Lauren Goodger
Mark Wright and Lauren Goodger's romance played out in the first couple of seasons of TOWIE, and it even involved a very short-lived engagement! However, after dating on and off for 10 years, the pair later ended their romance and Mark went on to marry actress Michelle Keegan.
3 of 31The Hills: Jason Wahler and Lauren Conrad
She chose him over Paris, but that didn't stop Lauren Conrad's romance with Jason Wahler coming to an abrupt end. Following their rocky romance, the pair split and Lauren later married William Tell.
4 of 31Love Island: Kady McDermott and Scott Thomas
Before she joined the cast of TOWIE to date Myles Barnett in 2018, Kady McDermott appeared on Love Island in 2016, where she found love with Ryan and Adam Thomas' brother Scott. Things didn't work out when they left the villa, with the pair announcing their split in 2017.
5 of 31Made In Chelsea: Binky Felstead and Jamie Laing
Binks is now a mum to baby India, but remember when she dated Jamie Laing?!? After years of friendship, the two found it difficult to transition to an actual relationship, so decided to call it a day.
6 of 31TOWIE: Lydia Bright and James 'Arg' Argent
Before he started dating Gemma Collins, James 'Arg' Argent and Lydia Bright were one of TOWIE's golden couples. After being on and off for years, the pair ended things for good in 2016. Meanwhile, Lydia gave birth a baby girl, Loretta Rose, in February 2020.
7 of 31Love Island: Sam Gowland and Georgia Harrison
His on/off romance with fellow Geordie Shore star Chloe Ferry came to an end for good (we think) earlier this year but Sam Gowland first hit our TV screens on Love Island 2017, where he left the villa with former TOWIE star Georgia Harrison.
8 of 31Made In Chelsea: Lucy Watson and Jamie Laing
Jamie and Lucy were together for a bit and would even walk their dogs together. Not one for holding back, Lucy Watson has called the show 'incestuous' and she 'no longer wants to waste time with people like Jamie and Proudlock'. Ouch.
9 of 31Made In Chelsea: Ollie Locke and Chloe Green
Topshop Heiress Chloe Green joined the MIC lot in 2011 to date Ollie Locke. Ollie had previously dated Gabby who he broke up with to explore his feelings for men, only to then end up with another woman. It did not go down well...He's now loved-up with husband Gareth Locke.
10 of 31TOWIE: Lucy Mecklenburgh and Mario Falcone
Before Lucy started dating former Coronation Street actor Ryan Thomas, she actually introduced Mario Falcone to TOWIE viewers as her boyfriend. Despite Mario proposing to Lucy on a luxury yacht, things didn't go to plan and their romance ended for good in 2013.
11 of 31Made In Chelsea: Lucy Watson and Proudlock
Ah yes, Lucy and Proudlock. They were the most swoon-worthy couple in SW3... oh, until Lucy found out that Proudlock was dating other women.
12 of 31Love Island: Rykard Jenkins and Rachel Fenton
After meeting on the show in 2016, Rykard and Rachel lasted 18 months in the real world, a lot longer than most Love Island couples!
13 of 31Made In Chelsea: Rosie Fortescue and Hugo Taylor
When Hugo was dating Millie Mackintosh in the show, he hooked up with her best friend Rosie. Millie then raised her glass to a party full of guests and said 'cheers to friendship'. However, Hugo later reconnected with Millie and the pair MARRIED in July 2018. Almost two years later, Millie gave birth to their first child, a baby girl, in May 2020.
14 of 31TOWIE: Charlie Sims and Ferne McCann
These two were actually together for SIX YEARS! But after Charlie decided to quit TOWIE, he later publicly dumped Ferne on Twitter, with reports suggesting he made her choose between him and the show.
15 of 31The Hills: Justin Bobby and Audrina Patridge
Ever since Justin Bobby and Audrina split on The Hills, fans of the popular show have pleaded for them to rekindle their romance, even more so after Audrina announced she was divorcing her husband Corey Bohan.
16 of 31Made In Chelsea: Spencer Matthews and Lucy Watson
Spenny took Lucy to Paris in 2013 and we almost believed he had given up his womanising ways. We were wrong and he admitted to cheating on Lucy with several women. Spencer is now happily married with Vogue Williams and the pair have two adorable children together.
17 of 31TOWIE: Joey Essex and Sam Faiers
Another TOWIE couple which led to a failed engagement. Despite Sam and Joey dating from 2011, the pair didn't make it down to aisle, ending their relationship in 2014.
18 of 31Made In Chelsea: Spencer Matthews and Louise Thompson
Louise joined the show as Spencer's (very despairing) girlfriend. Spencer being Spencer, couldn't stay faithful and resulted in a fair few teary scenes between the pair.
19 of 31TOWIE: Gemma Collins and Charlie King
Perhaps one of the strangest couples ever to grace TOWIE, The GC dated Charlie King in series four, but Charlie later announced he was gay on live TV.
20 of 31Love Island: Tyla Carr and Jonny Mitchell
After breaking Camilla Thurlow's heart, a lot of Love Island fans forget that Jonny Mitchell later coupled up with Tyla Carr.Of course, the romance didn't last when they left the villa!
21 of 31Made In Chelsea: Alex Mytton and Binky Felstead
Binky and Alex were love's young dream (kind of) for two years until his constant cheating became unforgivable. It all worked out well though as she now has the cutest little baby girl with JP and is loved up with boyfriend Max Darnton.
22 of 31The Hills: Heidi Montag and Jordan Eubanks
Before she met, married and had a child with Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag actually dated a guy called Jordan Eubanks on the show. Their romance was played out during season one, before they split.
23 of 31TOWIE: Jess Wright and Ricky Rayment
Potentially one of the messiest break-ups in TOWIE history! After Jess and Ricky dated for two years, things seemed to be going well until Ricky was accused of texting other women. After the split, the pair ended up having a bitter Twitter war. Jess later found love with William Lee-Kemp and got engaged in March 2020.
24 of 31The Hills: Jayde Nicole and Brody Jenner
As well as his 'fake' relationships for the show with Lauren Conrad and Kristen Cavallari, Brody's romance with Jayde seemed pretty serious in 2008. Despite getting matching tattoos, the pair split in December 2009.
25 of 31TOWIE: Lauren Pope and Kirk Norcross
Series two of TOWIE saw the lovable Lauren Pope hooking up with Kirk Norcross. Despite the pair getting his and hers nose jobs', the pair split just weeks after.
26 of 31Love Island: Montana Brown and Alex Beattie
They were one of the hottest couples ever to grace our screens, but things didn't work out for Montana Brown and Alex Beattie when they left the villa in 2017. In fact, their romance lasted just six weeks.
27 of 31Geordie Shore: Vicky Pattison and Jay Gardner
Her time on the show may be best remembered for her turbulent relationship with Ricci Guarnaccio but Vicky Pattison's first Geordie Shore relationship was actually with Jay Gardner back in series one.They were attracted to each other as soon as they stepped in the house but decided they were better off as pals after a series of rows.
28 of 31Celebs Go Dating: Megan Barton-Hanson and Demi Sims
Love Island's Megan Barton-Hanson and TOWIE star Demi Sims hit it off when they both appeared on Celebs Go Dating in 2019. Despite dating for a short time, the pair's romance was over before the series even ended.
29 of 31TOWIE: Bobby Norris and Harry Derbidge
He was one of the show's OG cast members but Harry Derbidge took a break from the TOWIE scene in 2011 before reappearing three years later (in some VERY skimpy swimwear) as Bobby Norris' boyfriend. It all ended in tears though when Harry confessed to sleeping with his ex on holiday in Tenerife.
30 of 31Celebs Go Dating: Charlotte Dawson and Frankie Cocozza
They sign up to date us normal folk but those Celebs Go Dating lot just can't resist breaking the rules and getting it on with each other, can they? In 2017, Charlotte Dawson hooked up with X Factor bad boy Frankie Cocozza but it didn't last once the show ended and she's now loved-up with rugby player Matt Sarsfield.
31 of 31Geordie Shore: Holly Hagan and James Tindale
She might be loved up with footballer fiancé Jacob Blyth now but back in series three of Geordie Shore, Holly Hagan enjoyed a fling with co-star James Tindale. Unfortunately, she was left heartbroken when he returned to the house for series four with a girlfriend.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.