Made In Chelsea 15.2: Harry’s Got A Hard On, Toff’s Got A Lot On And Alik’s Barely Got A Shirt On

What’s the best way to show your ex that you’ve completely adjusted to post break up reality, and living your very best life? Is it A) Changing their details in your phone so their number is now labelled PPI DO NOT ANSWER? B) Going on a fabulous holiday, taking ten thousand photos and slowly drip feeding them onto Instagram, so that you appear to be on the beach, drinking rum out of a coconut every single day? Or C) Dyeing your hair a bit darker so you look slightly more like your ex’s new girlfriend?

Mysteriously, Made In Chelsea's Frankie has plumped for the last one, and she’s turned up to brunch as a brunette. I would like to give her hairdresser a handshake. The look is both ‘new hair, new you’ and ‘let’s not do anything too drastic because we both know you’ll be back here in three weeks, wanting the old you again’. However, if Frankie wants to win back Biscuits’ heart, a Melody impression is probably the worst way to go about it. As Habbs points out, Biscuits’ seems less interested in Melody than Jeremy Corbyn in a game of Monopoly.

Melissa has been publicly straddling Harry Baron, even though Hazza Bazza has been sending saucy messages. He texted Frankie to say ‘If I didn’t love Melissa, I’d try it on with you every day.’ The only thing that might make a very small amount of sense is that Harry is alluding to a clown suit, and he is respectful of Melissa’s fear of bewigged entertainers, and Frankie once mentioned something about how she’s always wanted a pal to help her into some enormous spotty trousers.

Louise is buying a car for Ryan to drive her around in, and she’s trying a little tenderness in her approach to Alik. ‘It’s not his fault he’s the way he is,’ she ventures. Ryan snaps ‘EVERYONE CONTROLS THEIR OWN OUTCOME,’ like a Tory of Love. I’ve never thought of Ryan being like Maggie Thatcher before, but now I can’t unsee it. Also, someone needs to invent an app that’s Shazam, but for Louise’s jewellery. I long for those big pearl earrings.

Biscuits is avoiding Melody by practising his Crufts agility skills with an enormous, borrowed dog. He’s talking about how brilliant it is that Melody is going home soon, which can only mean one thing. Melody is in the Harbour Club telling James Taylor that she loves London, and she’s staying for good! James is the second cast member to pay tribute to a female icon of the eighties, Princess Diana, a former Harbour Club stalwart and the inspiration behind James’ tufty fringe.

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Over drinks with Liv, Mimi is still having a lengthy existential crisis about whether her boyfriend really is her boyfriend. (He just might be her Dad, remember?) Digby turns up brandishing a brand new set of keys, and reveals that he and Liv are shacking up, so Mimi makes one last bid for attention. Apparently Harry Baron has been texting women about his hard on! Maybe, just maybe, it was late at night, and Harry was trying to say that he couldn’t come out because ‘I’ve got a [new personal trainer and they’re very] hard on [me if I cancel my 7AM session]’ and some of the text got lost? ‘Melissa deserves the truth,’ says Mimi, with the true altruism of a woman who has sensed a story line and doesn’t want to be shunted off to watch Mark Francis try on some hats.

Elsewhere Harry has turned up to defend himself to Habbs, Frankie and Melissa. Is this a brand new brunch, or have Habbs and Frankie just ordered their ninth rounds of avocado toast? Melissa thinks Harry is ‘gross’. ‘It was a silly mistake, it won’t happen again,’ says Harry, with no mitigating mention of clown trousers. Harry, a silly mistake is getting locked out because you’ve left your coat on the bus, and your keys were in it. Treating women as though you can take out sexual share options on them is purposeful bellendry.

Poor Toff is super stressed out by the demands of her post insect eating life, but luckily, her friends are here to give her time management masterclasses. Mark Francis implies stress is more distasteful than turning up at a dinner party with a decomposing Vienetta, and that she must change her outgoing message to ‘Out of office' (have no office). Sam Prince shows her how to be present and live in the moment by getting her to catch Tic Tacs in her mouth. Mark Francis claims that he has ‘tens of thousands of people trying to contact me on an hourly basis’. Erm, you do know that you can just unsubscribe from Groupon?

Alik, who is losing a shirt button every twenty minutes, tells Habbs that he’s ‘single and ready to mingle’ and tries to entice her out for dinner and a walk. ‘Sure, we can wingman each other!’ is her nervous response. Kind Proudlock is valiantly trying to make Alik look like a smart and sexy prospect by standing next to him and doing the Robot. James Taylor tells Biscuits that Melody might be staying in London. Biscuits behaves as though Donald Trump just offered Kim Jong Un his flat, as a location for nuclear war missile launching. He is so upset that he is rendered incapable of playing golf the next day. Madly, he challenges Ryan to an arms race – an actual race to show us how quickly he can pump his arms. Then he tries a running race, and his shoe falls off. This seems portentous.

Harry turns up at Liv’s new pad, and summons Melissa for a discussion about who said what to who at four in the morning. (Question: Is Harry denying the ‘hard on’ text because the message actually referred to his boner?) Melissa, you need to dump him as soon as possible, purely because he says ‘ay-sap’. The dodgy sexts are secondary. Liv throws a surprise party for Digby’s birthday, and Digby looks extremely surprised – possibly because some of his actual friends have turned up, and they’re not invoicing as featured extras. Mimi’s chap is on the brink of asking her to be his girlfriend, when Harry turns up and demands a word. There is much shouting. Alik, whose shirt is now plunging harder than J-Lo’s 2002 Versace dress, is responding to Louise’s friendly overtures. ‘Hopefully you took my words to heart when I called you out,’ he grunts. JUST DO SMALL TALK! Have a nice time! Make a joke about how you wish you could eat the chips, ho ho ho!

After much cowardly dithering, Biscuits asks Melody why she’s moving to London – and gloriously, she tells him that it’s not because she is nurturing unrequited romantic feelings. ‘I did not come here to visit you, I literally come here all the time. I’m not your girlfriend, we’ve never got close, for you to even think that your head must be so far up your fucking arse that you can smell the peroxide. Why don’t you behave like a normal functional member of society and have a conversation with me? This is not fun at all!’ Melody, that was magnificent. Please stay in Chelsea forever! There are plenty of cast members who need to be asked why they can’t behave like normal, functional members of society! You can see that Biscuits’ dick is messaging his brain to announce that after all this time, he now has a hard on. ‘I hope we can be friends,’ he whimpers, pleading for clemency as cravenly as Piers Morgan, if he’d bumped into Emily Ratajowski and was begging her for the time.

‘It’s a no from me,’ hisses Melody. Usually a Simon Cowell referencing dismissal is vomitously clunky, but frankly, the force of her argument is so compelling that I'd have forgiven her for going all the way back to the early noughties and telling Biscuits that he is the weakest link.

Hero of the week

After Melody, it’s got to be Frankie’s hairdresser. Whoever you are, wherever you are, you’re the only person in the world who truly seems to understand the meaning of the word ‘bronde’. Even though it’s not really a word. Bravo.

Villain of the week

Oh, it’s Harry, isn’t it? Again. All boners aside, there is an undeniable and indefensible text, and I have a horrible feeling that in a few weeks, poor Melissa will be wishing that she’d Been More Melody and told him that he’d gone hard on, and had to go home.

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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.