Made In Chelsea 15.1: Has Harry Been bad? Is Alik Still Sad? And Does Mimi Really Call Her New Squeeze ‘Dad’?

Boris Johnson’s Dad, Stanley, has just given me the most brilliant writing tip of all time. Well, technically he gave it to his Made In Chelsea friend Toff, but I am totally stealing it, because it’s a cracker and my deadline is looming over me in the way that a furious friend looms over your drunken, sleeping body, before waking you up to tell you that you’ve just been sick in their shoe.

Here it is. If you’re struggling to get started, hit a letter at random, write a word that begins with that letter, and then force your first sentence to fit around it. This technique seems to be working, although it does mean that by selecting ‘B’, I’ve forced everyone to start reading while contemplating Boris Johnson. I can’t apologise enough.

Usually, Boris would at least be apposite, Chelsea being the natural gathering place for supremely self-confident bouffed blondes. However, the new cast members don’t fit that description. Unusually, they’re brunettes, and they both seem fairly down to earth. Biscuits has started seeing Melody, a girl he met at a wedding in South Africa, and she’s come to London for a visit. He’s bouncing about with joy, and his mood is somewhere between ‘joyous’ and ‘accidentally taken a double dose of American prescription strength codeine’.

Mel is slightly more sanguine, although she does tell the boys ‘He’s adorable, he brought a big bag of chocolate for my friends!’ Oh, love, I wouldn’t get too excited, he gets them for free at work. Frankie bumps into them both, and just about holds it together before asking the question wondered by ex girlfriends the world over. ‘Is she prettier than me?’ Thank goodness James Taylor, her companion, is currently studying at university and is clever enough to know that the correct answer to this is a warp speed: NO.

READ MORE: The Made In Chelsea Relationships You Definitely Forgot About

Louise has decided that as her promise ring is far too big to fit on any of her fingers, she and Ryan are going to look for an alternative ‘like a coffee table.’ Ah yes, one of those fabulously discreet, hand held coffee tables that you balance on your pinky. Louise is also the only person in the entire episode who understands the importance of dressing in a way that makes us believe the programme was filmed the other day, and not two months ago during a cold snap. She’s got a lovely blue frock on – although it might have started out a different colour, and just got chilly.

She and Ryan are going to ‘get some money in the bank’ and save up before they start making serious plans for marriage. If anyone at Channel 4 is reading, please can we have a spin off series about Louise and Ryan’s ideas for posh penny pinching? Maybe Ryan can make protein powder out of papier mache, or Louise can fashion a statement necklace from old keys, knackered headphones and things you might find in a kitchen drawer.

Elsewhere, Alik is poo poohing their commitment plans. ‘What even is a promise ring? Are they in fifth grade? I gave one to the crush I was too scared to talk to in fifth grade!’ Alik, if you know what one is, you don’t need to ask – now you look bitter and stupid. Can’t you just be happy for them? Maybe buy them a pre-engagement gift of a tiny coffee table.

Harry Baron is crazy in love with another sweet, unassuming brunette, Melissa. However, Mimi, who is less blonde but as bumptious as ever, is claiming that Harry has secretly been sexting Frankie. I’m much more concerned about Mimi’s boyfriend to be, Ben, who is asked to choose his favourite artwork at the gallery, and picks a picture of a dollar sign. I mean, I know I’m just a simple communist hippy, but that sort of behaviour is one step away from having heart shaped pictures of Bernie Madoff adorning your underpants. Mimi also reveals that she ‘made Ben wait’ until their sixth date before she slept with him, which is a bit like me boasting that I have bottles of wine that I’ve managed to keep in my house for a full week without drinking them. Ah, maybe she has a point. Also Ben claims Mimi’s nickname for him is ‘Daddy’. Either he has a brilliantly evil sense of humour, or someone needs to get Spencer’s old therapist over in an Uber, ASAP.

Biscuits throws a posh party in the country to impress Melody. She’s a big Pictionary fan, so he assumes that the best way to seduce her is with a Pictionary tournament in front of a roaring fire in a space that’s about the same size as Berkshire’s second biggest Tesco Extra. However, once the party is planned, he starts to go off the seduction idea. He doesn’t want to put ‘toxic emotions’ into Melody, which, assuming that’s the only poisonous transmittable issue that he’s struggling with, is pretty laudable. However, wise old Proudlock gets straight to the heart of the issue. ‘Do you fancy her?’ Biscuits makes the face of a man who has just got off the Gatwick Express and realised that his passport is inexplicably on top of the toaster. Proudlock seems to be on especially relaxed, mellow form this week, and I can only put it down to the fact that he appears to be wearing a jumper and a cardigan.

Mimi confronts Harry about the alleged sexting of Frankie, and he’s so incensed that he tells Melissa about the rumours that have been going on. He’s pretty convincing – or perhaps he really is the ultimate sociopath. Melissa seems impressively chilled about it, even when Harry says ‘I could not be happier with you,’ These could be the words of a loving boyfriend, or the appraisal script of a Gregg’s manager who is letting an employee pass her probation because she’s the only one who ever bothers to wear a hairnet.

Louise and Ryan arrive, and Alik, who has clearly been patrolling the drive for them with his iPhone torch, turns up and ‘bumps’ into them. ‘No-one wants to be talking about this petty bullshit, it’s jealous and silly. Be a man, baby!’ he exclaims. Really? This makes more sense without the comma. We can all imagine Alik exhorting Ryan to ‘be a man baby’.

He leaves, and Ryan and Louise say what we’re all thinking, a decision that comes back to haunt them at the end of the episode, when Alik throws it in their faces. ‘So, you were eavesdropping,’ says a calm Louise. ‘No, you were speaking loudly and I overheard you, so I turned back and heard you,’ retorts Alik. FFS! Does he think ‘eavesdropping’ is a weird old English custom, like wassailing around the maypole? Mind you, if he’d seen that game of Pictionary, he’d be justified in assuming it was another weird tradition. Louise is astonishingly collected and kind, promising to treat Alik with ‘more respect’ – but not before Alik tells us that after the break up, ‘I was waking up in the middle of the night, that’s something I’ve never experienced in my whole life.’ We’re sorry about the heartbreak Alik, but if you’ve spent most of your twenties entirely untroubled by insomnia, you’re not getting any sympathy from us.

Hero of the week

It has to be Stanley Johnson, with his fabulous writing advice and impressive levels of relaxedness after Toff was an hour and a half late for lunch. Why can’t our friends be more like Stanley? I bet he will even WhatsApp pictures of menus and order food for you!

Other hero of the week

I want to start off on a positive note and give a shout out to Jamie Biscuits, who appeared to be carrying his grocery shopping in some sort of ethically sustainable, non plastic bag. Huzzah!

WATCH NOW: The Women Of Made In Chelsea Tell Us What Advice They'f Give To Their Younger Selves

Follow Daisy on Twitter@NotRollergirl

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.