Boris Johnson’s Dad, Stanley, has just given me the most brilliant writing tip of all time. Well, technically he gave it to his Made In Chelsea friend Toff, but I am totally stealing it, because it’s a cracker and my deadline is looming over me in the way that a furious friend looms over your drunken, sleeping body, before waking you up to tell you that you’ve just been sick in their shoe.
Here it is. If you’re struggling to get started, hit a letter at random, write a word that begins with that letter, and then force your first sentence to fit around it. This technique seems to be working, although it does mean that by selecting ‘B’, I’ve forced everyone to start reading while contemplating Boris Johnson. I can’t apologise enough.
Usually, Boris would at least be apposite, Chelsea being the natural gathering place for supremely self-confident bouffed blondes. However, the new cast members don’t fit that description. Unusually, they’re brunettes, and they both seem fairly down to earth. Biscuits has started seeing Melody, a girl he met at a wedding in South Africa, and she’s come to London for a visit. He’s bouncing about with joy, and his mood is somewhere between ‘joyous’ and ‘accidentally taken a double dose of American prescription strength codeine’.
Mel is slightly more sanguine, although she does tell the boys ‘He’s adorable, he brought a big bag of chocolate for my friends!’ Oh, love, I wouldn’t get too excited, he gets them for free at work. Frankie bumps into them both, and just about holds it together before asking the question wondered by ex girlfriends the world over. ‘Is she prettier than me?’ Thank goodness James Taylor, her companion, is currently studying at university and is clever enough to know that the correct answer to this is a warp speed: NO.
READ MORE: The Made In Chelsea Relationships You Definitely Forgot About
Reality TV couples you forgot about - stacked
Made In Chelsea: Jamie Laing and Louise Thompson
Remember when Jamie and Louise dated (much to Spencer Matthews' dismay) in 2012? Louise then left Jamie for Spencer, causing a very traumatic love triangle indeed. Poor Jamie.
TOWIE: Mark Wright and Lauren Goodger
Mark Wright and Lauren Goodger's romance played out in the first couple of seasons of TOWIE, and it even involved a very short-lived engagement! However, after dating on and off for 10 years, the pair later ended their romance and Mark went on to marry actress Michelle Keegan.
The Hills: Jason Wahler and Lauren Conrad
She chose him over Paris, but that didn't stop Lauren Conrad's romance with Jason Wahler coming to an abrupt end. Following their rocky romance, the pair split and Lauren later married William Tell.
Love Island: Kady McDermott and Scott Thomas
Before she joined the cast of TOWIE to date Myles Barnett in 2018, Kady McDermott appeared on Love Island in 2016, where she found love with Ryan and Adam Thomas' brother Scott. Things didn't work out when they left the villa, with the pair announcing their split in 2017.
Made In Chelsea: Binky Felstead and Jamie Laing
Binks is now a mum to baby India, but remember when she dated Jamie Laing?!? After years of friendship, the two found it difficult to transition to an actual relationship, so decided to call it a day.
TOWIE: Lydia Bright and James 'Arg' Argent
Before he started dating Gemma Collins, James 'Arg' Argent and Lydia Bright were one of TOWIE's golden couples. After being on and off for years, the pair ended things for good in 2016. Meanwhile, Lydia gave birth a baby girl, Loretta Rose, in February 2020.
Love Island: Sam Gowland and Georgia Harrison
His on/off romance with fellow Geordie Shore star Chloe Ferry came to an end for good (we think) earlier this year but Sam Gowland first hit our TV screens on Love Island 2017, where he left the villa with former TOWIE star Georgia Harrison.
Made In Chelsea: Lucy Watson and Jamie Laing
Jamie and Lucy were together for a bit and would even walk their dogs together. Not one for holding back, Lucy Watson has called the show 'incestuous' and she 'no longer wants to waste time with people like Jamie and Proudlock'. Ouch.
Made In Chelsea: Ollie Locke and Chloe Green
Topshop Heiress Chloe Green joined the MIC lot in 2011 to date Ollie Locke. Ollie had previously dated Gabby who he broke up with to explore his feelings for men, only to then end up with another woman. It did not go down well...He's now loved-up with husband Gareth Locke.
TOWIE: Lucy Mecklenburgh and Mario Falcone
Before Lucy started dating former Coronation Street actor Ryan Thomas, she actually introduced Mario Falcone to TOWIE viewers as her boyfriend. Despite Mario proposing to Lucy on a luxury yacht, things didn't go to plan and their romance ended for good in 2013.
Made In Chelsea: Lucy Watson and Proudlock
Ah yes, Lucy and Proudlock. They were the most swoon-worthy couple in SW3... oh, until Lucy found out that Proudlock was dating other women.
Love Island: Rykard Jenkins and Rachel Fenton
After meeting on the show in 2016, Rykard and Rachel lasted 18 months in the real world, a lot longer than most Love Island couples!
Made In Chelsea: Rosie Fortescue and Hugo Taylor
When Hugo was dating Millie Mackintosh in the show, he hooked up with her best friend Rosie. Millie then raised her glass to a party full of guests and said 'cheers to friendship'. However, Hugo later reconnected with Millie and the pair MARRIED in July 2018. Almost two years later, Millie gave birth to their first child, a baby girl, in May 2020.
TOWIE: Charlie Sims and Ferne McCann
These two were actually together for SIX YEARS! But after Charlie decided to quit TOWIE, he later publicly dumped Ferne on Twitter, with reports suggesting he made her choose between him and the show.
The Hills: Justin Bobby and Audrina Patridge
Ever since Justin Bobby and Audrina split on The Hills, fans of the popular show have pleaded for them to rekindle their romance, even more so after Audrina announced she was divorcing her husband Corey Bohan.
Made In Chelsea: Spencer Matthews and Lucy Watson
Spenny took Lucy to Paris in 2013 and we almost believed he had given up his womanising ways. We were wrong and he admitted to cheating on Lucy with several women. Spencer is now happily married with Vogue Williams and the pair have two adorable children together.
TOWIE: Joey Essex and Sam Faiers
Another TOWIE couple which led to a failed engagement. Despite Sam and Joey dating from 2011, the pair didn't make it down to aisle, ending their relationship in 2014.
Made In Chelsea: Spencer Matthews and Louise Thompson
Louise joined the show as Spencer's (very despairing) girlfriend. Spencer being Spencer, couldn't stay faithful and resulted in a fair few teary scenes between the pair.
TOWIE: Gemma Collins and Charlie King
Perhaps one of the strangest couples ever to grace TOWIE, The GC dated Charlie King in series four, but Charlie later announced he was gay on live TV.
Love Island: Tyla Carr and Jonny Mitchell
After breaking Camilla Thurlow's heart, a lot of Love Island fans forget that Jonny Mitchell later coupled up with Tyla Carr.Of course, the romance didn't last when they left the villa!
Made In Chelsea: Alex Mytton and Binky Felstead
Binky and Alex were love's young dream (kind of) for two years until his constant cheating became unforgivable. It all worked out well though as she now has the cutest little baby girl with JP and is loved up with boyfriend Max Darnton.
The Hills: Heidi Montag and Jordan Eubanks
Before she met, married and had a child with Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag actually dated a guy called Jordan Eubanks on the show. Their romance was played out during season one, before they split.
TOWIE: Jess Wright and Ricky Rayment
Potentially one of the messiest break-ups in TOWIE history! After Jess and Ricky dated for two years, things seemed to be going well until Ricky was accused of texting other women. After the split, the pair ended up having a bitter Twitter war. Jess later found love with William Lee-Kemp and got engaged in March 2020.
The Hills: Jayde Nicole and Brody Jenner
As well as his 'fake' relationships for the show with Lauren Conrad and Kristen Cavallari, Brody's romance with Jayde seemed pretty serious in 2008. Despite getting matching tattoos, the pair split in December 2009.
TOWIE: Lauren Pope and Kirk Norcross
Series two of TOWIE saw the lovable Lauren Pope hooking up with Kirk Norcross. Despite the pair getting his and hers nose jobs', the pair split just weeks after.
Love Island: Montana Brown and Alex Beattie
They were one of the hottest couples ever to grace our screens, but things didn't work out for Montana Brown and Alex Beattie when they left the villa in 2017. In fact, their romance lasted just six weeks.
Geordie Shore: Vicky Pattison and Jay Gardner
Her time on the show may be best remembered for her turbulent relationship with Ricci Guarnaccio but Vicky Pattison's first Geordie Shore relationship was actually with Jay Gardner back in series one.They were attracted to each other as soon as they stepped in the house but decided they were better off as pals after a series of rows.
Celebs Go Dating: Megan Barton-Hanson and Demi Sims
Love Island's Megan Barton-Hanson and TOWIE star Demi Sims hit it off when they both appeared on Celebs Go Dating in 2019. Despite dating for a short time, the pair's romance was over before the series even ended.
TOWIE: Bobby Norris and Harry Derbidge
He was one of the show's OG cast members but Harry Derbidge took a break from the TOWIE scene in 2011 before reappearing three years later (in some VERY skimpy swimwear) as Bobby Norris' boyfriend. It all ended in tears though when Harry confessed to sleeping with his ex on holiday in Tenerife.
Celebs Go Dating: Charlotte Dawson and Frankie Cocozza
They sign up to date us normal folk but those Celebs Go Dating lot just can't resist breaking the rules and getting it on with each other, can they? In 2017, Charlotte Dawson hooked up with X Factor bad boy Frankie Cocozza but it didn't last once the show ended and she's now loved-up with rugby player Matt Sarsfield.
Geordie Shore: Holly Hagan and James Tindale
She might be loved up with footballer fiancé Jacob Blyth now but back in series three of Geordie Shore, Holly Hagan enjoyed a fling with co-star James Tindale. Unfortunately, she was left heartbroken when he returned to the house for series four with a girlfriend.
Louise has decided that as her promise ring is far too big to fit on any of her fingers, she and Ryan are going to look for an alternative ‘like a coffee table.’ Ah yes, one of those fabulously discreet, hand held coffee tables that you balance on your pinky. Louise is also the only person in the entire episode who understands the importance of dressing in a way that makes us believe the programme was filmed the other day, and not two months ago during a cold snap. She’s got a lovely blue frock on – although it might have started out a different colour, and just got chilly.
She and Ryan are going to ‘get some money in the bank’ and save up before they start making serious plans for marriage. If anyone at Channel 4 is reading, please can we have a spin off series about Louise and Ryan’s ideas for posh penny pinching? Maybe Ryan can make protein powder out of papier mache, or Louise can fashion a statement necklace from old keys, knackered headphones and things you might find in a kitchen drawer.
Elsewhere, Alik is poo poohing their commitment plans. ‘What even is a promise ring? Are they in fifth grade? I gave one to the crush I was too scared to talk to in fifth grade!’ Alik, if you know what one is, you don’t need to ask – now you look bitter and stupid. Can’t you just be happy for them? Maybe buy them a pre-engagement gift of a tiny coffee table.
Harry Baron is crazy in love with another sweet, unassuming brunette, Melissa. However, Mimi, who is less blonde but as bumptious as ever, is claiming that Harry has secretly been sexting Frankie. I’m much more concerned about Mimi’s boyfriend to be, Ben, who is asked to choose his favourite artwork at the gallery, and picks a picture of a dollar sign. I mean, I know I’m just a simple communist hippy, but that sort of behaviour is one step away from having heart shaped pictures of Bernie Madoff adorning your underpants. Mimi also reveals that she ‘made Ben wait’ until their sixth date before she slept with him, which is a bit like me boasting that I have bottles of wine that I’ve managed to keep in my house for a full week without drinking them. Ah, maybe she has a point. Also Ben claims Mimi’s nickname for him is ‘Daddy’. Either he has a brilliantly evil sense of humour, or someone needs to get Spencer’s old therapist over in an Uber, ASAP.
Biscuits throws a posh party in the country to impress Melody. She’s a big Pictionary fan, so he assumes that the best way to seduce her is with a Pictionary tournament in front of a roaring fire in a space that’s about the same size as Berkshire’s second biggest Tesco Extra. However, once the party is planned, he starts to go off the seduction idea. He doesn’t want to put ‘toxic emotions’ into Melody, which, assuming that’s the only poisonous transmittable issue that he’s struggling with, is pretty laudable. However, wise old Proudlock gets straight to the heart of the issue. ‘Do you fancy her?’ Biscuits makes the face of a man who has just got off the Gatwick Express and realised that his passport is inexplicably on top of the toaster. Proudlock seems to be on especially relaxed, mellow form this week, and I can only put it down to the fact that he appears to be wearing a jumper and a cardigan.
Mimi confronts Harry about the alleged sexting of Frankie, and he’s so incensed that he tells Melissa about the rumours that have been going on. He’s pretty convincing – or perhaps he really is the ultimate sociopath. Melissa seems impressively chilled about it, even when Harry says ‘I could not be happier with you,’ These could be the words of a loving boyfriend, or the appraisal script of a Gregg’s manager who is letting an employee pass her probation because she’s the only one who ever bothers to wear a hairnet.
Louise and Ryan arrive, and Alik, who has clearly been patrolling the drive for them with his iPhone torch, turns up and ‘bumps’ into them. ‘No-one wants to be talking about this petty bullshit, it’s jealous and silly. Be a man, baby!’ he exclaims. Really? This makes more sense without the comma. We can all imagine Alik exhorting Ryan to ‘be a man baby’.
He leaves, and Ryan and Louise say what we’re all thinking, a decision that comes back to haunt them at the end of the episode, when Alik throws it in their faces. ‘So, you were eavesdropping,’ says a calm Louise. ‘No, you were speaking loudly and I overheard you, so I turned back and heard you,’ retorts Alik. FFS! Does he think ‘eavesdropping’ is a weird old English custom, like wassailing around the maypole? Mind you, if he’d seen that game of Pictionary, he’d be justified in assuming it was another weird tradition. Louise is astonishingly collected and kind, promising to treat Alik with ‘more respect’ – but not before Alik tells us that after the break up, ‘I was waking up in the middle of the night, that’s something I’ve never experienced in my whole life.’ We’re sorry about the heartbreak Alik, but if you’ve spent most of your twenties entirely untroubled by insomnia, you’re not getting any sympathy from us.
Hero of the week
It has to be Stanley Johnson, with his fabulous writing advice and impressive levels of relaxedness after Toff was an hour and a half late for lunch. Why can’t our friends be more like Stanley? I bet he will even WhatsApp pictures of menus and order food for you!
Other hero of the week
I want to start off on a positive note and give a shout out to Jamie Biscuits, who appeared to be carrying his grocery shopping in some sort of ethically sustainable, non plastic bag. Huzzah!
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.