Made In Chelsea 14.9: Sophie Has A Soiree, Biscuits Causes An Affray And Boulle Isn’t Allowed To DJ

'Jaime Biscuits would probably go on a date with his bank manager in a long blonde wig if he thought it would make Frankie jealous'

Made In Chelsea Recap Series 14

by Daisy Buchanan |
Published on

I think I’ve dreamed of seeing Made In Chelsea's Jamie Biscuits bare chested in a boxing ring. You know, in the kind of dreams you have when you’ve finally drifted off to sleep when attempting to see off the first part of a pounding, poisonous white wine hangover.

Late at night when I’ve eaten GM laden barbecue pizza toppings, or those samosas turned see through with grease, packed with neon green peas, they have produced deeply disturbing visions in the earliest stages of REM. But nothing has shaken me to my core quite like the sight of Digby pounding away at nothing, his face slick with sweat as he experiences some sort of sporting vinegar stroke.

Thank goodness for Mytton, who is treating the entire boxing exercise as an end of term assembly skit, and looks like he could barely be bothered to put the big gloves on. He’s probably much more interested in pretending to be Mickey Mouse than in actually hitting anyone.

Anyway, they’re only boxing in order to have a natural, normal chat establishing that Digby is still seeing Liv, and he’s claiming he ‘doesn’t want to put a label on it’ when he’d clearly love to make Liv wear a pink pointy cone hat, rescue her from a gorilla, drag her to his castle and start a plumbing business. And Mytton is going on a date with Habs. Which means that sometime in the Spring, Habs and Mytton will be on the Hungerford bridge screaming and sobbing because someone organised an orgy and the other one wasn’t invited. Why does anyone in Chelsea ever bloody bother doing anything? It never ends well.

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Frankie gets her hair done for her running date with pervy James, who just wants to get a good look at her bum in leggings. I’m horrified that Frankie can contemplate doing any sort of sweaty exercise with her hair touching her back. I would rather wear a sports bra made of rusty nails and broken glass than think about running with any bit of hair touching my face. Still, off they go, and James makes her run to a bench beside a hamper full of white wine. ‘Are you nervous, is that why you brought wine?’ jokes Frankie, to a very defensive James. Frankie, run! Again! In the opposite direction!

Sophie is planning to host a circus soiree, a plot device exposing multiple fault lines of tragedy. Firstly, she rings up Ryan and asks him to be a last minute strongman (Oooh! That’s a business idea!! We’ll work out what the company would do later) This is a brief, approximate transcript of the conversation. ‘Haiiiiii, Ryan! I’m in the bath! Which is sexy! Would you do me a favour and carry me into the party I’m having which I planned around a nebulous concept because some PR company gave me a free top hat! Anyway, let me feel your muscles! It will be sexy! Don’t forget, I’m naked! Ciao!’ I think Sophie would quite like to have sex with Ryan, maybe for a Christmas and birthday present, and I don’t think Ryan could pick her out of a line up with Victoria and Mark Francis.

The other tragedy is darling, desperate Boulle, who describes himself as a ‘diablo’ and reveals himself to be in possession of more than one set of throwing knives. He wants to be the party, even though no-one has explained to him that all humans have a very specific window of time in which they are interested in or aroused by anyone doing fire poi. It begins after year nine SATS and ends before your mock GCSEs.

Sophie grinds fine pink Himalayan into the wound by asking Boulle’s BFF Fred to be the other sexy strongman. Fred does come out with the most brilliant line of the episode, when explaining to Boulle why he doesn’t want to help him to demonstrate his throwing knives, even though Boulle claims to be known for his ‘precision and accuracy’. Fred counters ‘I’ve lived with you for five years, you can barely piss in the toilet.'

A series of bad decisions are made, in which Mytton invites Biscuits and Sam Prince to his first date with Habs, and Habs invited her friend Clemmie, who has 14 names and might be the only genuinely posh person to appear on the show since 2013. Clemmie is the good sort of posh, the kind who thinks everything is completely ridiculous and hilarious, which is lucky because Biscuits’ big boast is ‘I once did a thousand monkey bars in a row in 2007.’ Utterly bloody Biscuits is only there because he’s got wind of Frankie and James’ liaison, and he’d probably go on a date with his bank manager in a long blonde wig if he thought it would make Frankie jealous. Biscuits asks Clemmie to go to mini golf, purely to take selfies and see whether Frankie goes on an Insta deep dive and accidentally likes a five year old picture from Clemmie’s grad ball.

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Reality TV couples you forgot about - stacked

Jamie and Louise1 of 31
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Made In Chelsea: Jamie Laing and Louise Thompson

Remember when Jamie and Louise dated (much to Spencer Matthews' dismay) in 2012? Louise then left Jamie for Spencer, causing a very traumatic love triangle indeed. Poor Jamie.

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TOWIE: Mark Wright and Lauren Goodger

Mark Wright and Lauren Goodger's romance played out in the first couple of seasons of TOWIE, and it even involved a very short-lived engagement! However, after dating on and off for 10 years, the pair later ended their romance and Mark went on to marry actress Michelle Keegan.

THE HILLS3 of 31
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The Hills: Jason Wahler and Lauren Conrad

She chose him over Paris, but that didn't stop Lauren Conrad's romance with Jason Wahler coming to an abrupt end. Following their rocky romance, the pair split and Lauren later married William Tell.

Love Island: Kady McDermott and Scott Thomas4 of 31

Love Island: Kady McDermott and Scott Thomas

Before she joined the cast of TOWIE to date Myles Barnett in 2018, Kady McDermott appeared on Love Island in 2016, where she found love with Ryan and Adam Thomas' brother Scott. Things didn't work out when they left the villa, with the pair announcing their split in 2017.

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Made In Chelsea: Binky Felstead and Jamie Laing

Binks is now a mum to baby India, but remember when she dated Jamie Laing?!? After years of friendship, the two found it difficult to transition to an actual relationship, so decided to call it a day.

TOWIE6 of 31
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TOWIE: Lydia Bright and James 'Arg' Argent

Before he started dating Gemma Collins, James 'Arg' Argent and Lydia Bright were one of TOWIE's golden couples. After being on and off for years, the pair ended things for good in 2016. Meanwhile, Lydia gave birth a baby girl, Loretta Rose, in February 2020.

Love Island: Sam Gowland and Georgia Harrison7 of 31

Love Island: Sam Gowland and Georgia Harrison

His on/off romance with fellow Geordie Shore star Chloe Ferry came to an end for good (we think) earlier this year but Sam Gowland first hit our TV screens on Love Island 2017, where he left the villa with former TOWIE star Georgia Harrison.

Made In Chelsea: Lucy Watson and Jamie Laing8 of 31
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Made In Chelsea: Lucy Watson and Jamie Laing

Jamie and Lucy were together for a bit and would even walk their dogs together. Not one for holding back, Lucy Watson has called the show 'incestuous' and she 'no longer wants to waste time with people like Jamie and Proudlock'. Ouch.

Chelsea9 of 31
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Made In Chelsea: Ollie Locke and Chloe Green

Topshop Heiress Chloe Green joined the MIC lot in 2011 to date Ollie Locke. Ollie had previously dated Gabby who he broke up with to explore his feelings for men, only to then end up with another woman. It did not go down well...He's now loved-up with husband Gareth Locke.

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TOWIE: Lucy Mecklenburgh and Mario Falcone

Before Lucy started dating former Coronation Street actor Ryan Thomas, she actually introduced Mario Falcone to TOWIE viewers as her boyfriend. Despite Mario proposing to Lucy on a luxury yacht, things didn't go to plan and their romance ended for good in 2013.

Made In Chelsea: Lucy Watson and Proudlock11 of 31
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Made In Chelsea: Lucy Watson and Proudlock

Ah yes, Lucy and Proudlock. They were the most swoon-worthy couple in SW3... oh, until Lucy found out that Proudlock was dating other women.

Love Island: Rykard Jenkins and Rachel Fenton12 of 31

Love Island: Rykard Jenkins and Rachel Fenton

After meeting on the show in 2016, Rykard and Rachel lasted 18 months in the real world, a lot longer than most Love Island couples!

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Made In Chelsea: Rosie Fortescue and Hugo Taylor

When Hugo was dating Millie Mackintosh in the show, he hooked up with her best friend Rosie. Millie then raised her glass to a party full of guests and said 'cheers to friendship'. However, Hugo later reconnected with Millie and the pair MARRIED in July 2018. Almost two years later, Millie gave birth to their first child, a baby girl, in May 2020.

TOWIE14 of 31
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TOWIE: Charlie Sims and Ferne McCann

These two were actually together for SIX YEARS! But after Charlie decided to quit TOWIE, he later publicly dumped Ferne on Twitter, with reports suggesting he made her choose between him and the show.

THE HILLS15 of 31
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The Hills: Justin Bobby and Audrina Patridge

Ever since Justin Bobby and Audrina split on The Hills, fans of the popular show have pleaded for them to rekindle their romance, even more so after Audrina announced she was divorcing her husband Corey Bohan.

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Made In Chelsea: Spencer Matthews and Lucy Watson

Spenny took Lucy to Paris in 2013 and we almost believed he had given up his womanising ways. We were wrong and he admitted to cheating on Lucy with several women. Spencer is now happily married with Vogue Williams and the pair have two adorable children together.

TOWIE17 of 31
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TOWIE: Joey Essex and Sam Faiers

Another TOWIE couple which led to a failed engagement. Despite Sam and Joey dating from 2011, the pair didn't make it down to aisle, ending their relationship in 2014.

Made In CHelsea18 of 31

Made In Chelsea: Spencer Matthews and Louise Thompson

Louise joined the show as Spencer's (very despairing) girlfriend. Spencer being Spencer, couldn't stay faithful and resulted in a fair few teary scenes between the pair.

TOWIE19 of 31
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TOWIE: Gemma Collins and Charlie King

Perhaps one of the strangest couples ever to grace TOWIE, The GC dated Charlie King in series four, but Charlie later announced he was gay on live TV.

Love Island: Tyla Carr and Jonny Mitchell20 of 31

Love Island: Tyla Carr and Jonny Mitchell

After breaking Camilla Thurlow's heart, a lot of Love Island fans forget that Jonny Mitchell later coupled up with Tyla Carr.Of course, the romance didn't last when they left the villa!

Made In Chelsea21 of 31
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Made In Chelsea: Alex Mytton and Binky Felstead

Binky and Alex were love's young dream (kind of) for two years until his constant cheating became unforgivable. It all worked out well though as she now has the cutest little baby girl with JP and is loved up with boyfriend Max Darnton.

The HIlls22 of 31
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The Hills: Heidi Montag and Jordan Eubanks

Before she met, married and had a child with Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag actually dated a guy called Jordan Eubanks on the show. Their romance was played out during season one, before they split.

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TOWIE: Jess Wright and Ricky Rayment

Potentially one of the messiest break-ups in TOWIE history! After Jess and Ricky dated for two years, things seemed to be going well until Ricky was accused of texting other women. After the split, the pair ended up having a bitter Twitter war. Jess later found love with William Lee-Kemp and got engaged in March 2020.

Jayde Nicole and Brody Jenner24 of 31
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The Hills: Jayde Nicole and Brody Jenner

As well as his 'fake' relationships for the show with Lauren Conrad and Kristen Cavallari, Brody's romance with Jayde seemed pretty serious in 2008. Despite getting matching tattoos, the pair split in December 2009.

TOWIE25 of 31
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TOWIE: Lauren Pope and Kirk Norcross

Series two of TOWIE saw the lovable Lauren Pope hooking up with Kirk Norcross. Despite the pair getting his and hers nose jobs', the pair split just weeks after.

Love Island: Montana Brown and Alex Beattie26 of 31

Love Island: Montana Brown and Alex Beattie

They were one of the hottest couples ever to grace our screens, but things didn't work out for Montana Brown and Alex Beattie when they left the villa in 2017. In fact, their romance lasted just six weeks.

Geordie Shore: Vicky Pattison and Jay Gardner27 of 31
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Geordie Shore: Vicky Pattison and Jay Gardner

Her time on the show may be best remembered for her turbulent relationship with Ricci Guarnaccio but Vicky Pattison's first Geordie Shore relationship was actually with Jay Gardner back in series one.They were attracted to each other as soon as they stepped in the house but decided they were better off as pals after a series of rows.

Celebs Go Dating: Megan Barton-Hanson and Demi Sims28 of 31
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Celebs Go Dating: Megan Barton-Hanson and Demi Sims

Love Island's Megan Barton-Hanson and TOWIE star Demi Sims hit it off when they both appeared on Celebs Go Dating in 2019. Despite dating for a short time, the pair's romance was over before the series even ended.

TOWIE: Bobby Norris and Harry Derbidge29 of 31
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TOWIE: Bobby Norris and Harry Derbidge

He was one of the show's OG cast members but Harry Derbidge took a break from the TOWIE scene in 2011 before reappearing three years later (in some VERY skimpy swimwear) as Bobby Norris' boyfriend. It all ended in tears though when Harry confessed to sleeping with his ex on holiday in Tenerife.

Celebs Go Dating: Charlotte Dawson and Frankie Cocozza30 of 31
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Celebs Go Dating: Charlotte Dawson and Frankie Cocozza

They sign up to date us normal folk but those Celebs Go Dating lot just can't resist breaking the rules and getting it on with each other, can they? In 2017, Charlotte Dawson hooked up with X Factor bad boy Frankie Cocozza but it didn't last once the show ended and she's now loved-up with rugby player Matt Sarsfield.

Geordie Shore: Holly Hagan and James Tindale31 of 31
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Geordie Shore: Holly Hagan and James Tindale

She might be loved up with footballer fiancé Jacob Blyth now but back in series three of Geordie Shore, Holly Hagan enjoyed a fling with co-star James Tindale. Unfortunately, she was left heartbroken when he returned to the house for series four with a girlfriend.

It’s party time! We see stunning women with excellent posture stomping down a catwalk in vast feathery capes, then Sophie, looking comparatively underwhelming in city shorts and a snazzy beaded jacket, possibly from How you can enter a room being carried by enormous, bare chested men and still look like you only decided you were going out at lunchtime and put on an emergency outfit in the disabled loos is beyond me. But that’s the other thread of the tragedy. Sophie still has enough chutzpah to stride over to Louise, suggesting she might like to borrow Ryan again some time. ‘He’s busy,’ says Louise firmly, aware that Sophie would get Ryan’s name tattooed on her forehead tomorrow if she thought it would improve her chances.

Boulle, who has been allowed to DJ, has turned up in a suit that he might have had made especially, and is distraught because there aren’t any decks. I have a horrible feeling that Boulle might just be permitted to DJ through his own phone speakers in the men’s cloak room while the caterers are clearing up.

Biscuits is on the brink of lighting a flare in order to get Frankie to look up and notice he’s on a date with Clemmie. Eventually he gives up, comes over, and behaves so tediously and obnoxiously that James has to use the words ‘global business management’ like fire extinguisher foam, in order to kill the heat. Later, James tells Frankie she has ‘too much baggage’ and he ‘kind of want[s] to sack you off.’ ‘That’s not nice!’ exclaims Frankie. As tactics go, I don’t think that’s such a bad one.

I wonder how many people could be stopped in their bastard tracks if someone were to just confront them baldly and say ‘What you just did then was completely horrible.’ This does lead to a lengthy, slurpy kiss, the sort of thing that, were you to witness it on the tube, would force you to get off six stops early and wait for the next train. Also, Liv snaps and asks Digby to be her boyfriend, which is lovely and adorable, and I really hope their love is smooth and incident free and not wrecked by Sam Prince being an indiscreet arsehole about something in six weeks. (But if I was a gambling woman, I’d absolutely go to Ladbrokes and put twenty quid on Sam P wrecking everything before the clocks go forward…)

Hero of the week

As much as it seems wrong to give this award to someone for acting like a decent human being, Ryan’s atattoo’d (sorry) about Louise’s inking, and his ‘it’s ultimately your body and your choice’ speech was very cheering.

Villain of the week

Perhaps he should get a special dispensation, because he’s clearly heartbroken, but Biscuits’ rudeness and the way he is using Clemmie to hurt Frankie is entirely, indisputably villainous.

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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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