I’m going to be, as the kids say, real with you, and truth hurts. Within reason, I’m all in favour of a person’s right to make a quick and lazy buck. It’s not OK to exploit the vulnerable, oppressed and marginalised but if you want to profit from the estates of George Michael and Mariah, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t pick freely from the musical money tree. Also, I love almost all Christmas music, and there is no better way to capture the spirit of the season than with a cheery festive singalong. Only a timely Elf gif, or a prefab flatpack gingerbread house, is more Christmassy than joyful noise. And yet. And yet. If I ever have to hear another white, privately educated man with a guitar cover Step Into Christmas, I will mummify myself by hooking my own brain out through my nose with a candy cane.
This Christmassy Made In Chelsea is filled with similar musical tragedies, each more painful and disappointing than the last, like a stocking filled with badly made, pointy plastic cracker gifts.
Louise is our token Grinch, keen to prevent Sam from doing what any normal person would do if someone else paid their electricity bill, and festooning his house in a way that triggers the most festive of all the health conditions, epilepsy. Luckily, Sam tells us why Louise hates Christmas. She once shat in Santa’s lap. Sam does not say how old she was. Ryan laughs a little too hard, which is mean - anyone who consumes that much protein powder must have done at least one small, surprise, liquid shit in a public place. Let’s hope karma doesn’t come for Ryan when he’s having Christmas lunch at the Thompsons’, eh?
Digby, Liv, Mimi and Mytton question Harry’s less than mysterious motives and bitch about Frankie’s reaction to last week’s dinner drama. Proudlock forces the bois to help him plan his Christmas party, while tucking into a suspiciously soft and shiny turkey. ‘I need a theme!’ demands Proudlock. ‘Tinsel!’ yells Biscuits. Predictably, Victoria hates Christmas, because it’s about love, kindness and gravy. Sophie loves it because it’s an excuse to run around spanking people with twigs, like Knecht Ruprecht. ‘THIS IS NOT A PLEASANT THING,’ she shouts. She is the most polite dominatrix in the world.
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Someone has sent Habbs flowers, to thank her for a pleasant evening. If it’s Mytton, post smooch, it’s kind of sweet, but if it’s Harry Baron, it’s slightly creepy. Maybe it’s an Interflora error. Ryan tells Sam that he’s bought Louise a promise ring for Christmas, because everyone in a serious relationship loves to be given a ring shaped box, containing a ring, and then be told ‘it’s non significant jewellery! Happy holidays!’
The gang go ice skating and Liv approaches Frankie only to start screaming at her half a second after greeting her. She’s the Ferrari of anger. Liv’s commitment to rage is so consuming that she’s still angry with Frankie for calling Digby a pussy in Tuscany, weeks before she met James. Meanwhile, Digby is pussying out of buying Liv a proper Christmas present, as Mytton tells him ‘a big enough present could be you telling Liv you love her.’ Yes, Mytton, but does Digby love Liv enough to spend three thousand pounds on a handbag? Possibly not.
Fred forces everyone to watch him singing a low key Christmas song. ‘Feliz Navidad means Merry Christmas in Spanish,’ whispers Boulle, tapping the bridge of his spectacles. ‘Yeah, I got that, thanks,’ replies Proudlock, who miraculously smiles like an adult and does not lob a Chocolate Orange at Boulle’s head. Harry boasts to everyone that he’s a flower sending, sexy, snakey, break up making machine. Everyone points out that Mytton is currently wooing Habbs up on a roof.
James turns up at Frankie’s flat with flowers, and she breaks up with him. ‘It’s disappointing, it’s disappointing, it’s just a bit disappointing,’ he murmurs repeatedly, in monotone, as if his beloved Audi coupe broke down and the RAC can only offer him a barely valeted Ford Probe with a pineapple scented Magic Tree. Frankie, you’re well out of this one. But James, do not be afraid! For the angels stood in glory and said Lo! It shall now be Proudlock’s Christmas party!
After his fairy miserable year, Biscuits is in line to receive a special gift - Proudlock has created an updated terrifying face meld painting! Man, those bois are looking jowly! Boulle looks especially sad as he takes in the artwork and then tentatively prods his own jawline. As promised, Sophie has brought a bundle of twigs, and Biscuits appears to enjoy his birching excessively. THIS IS NOT A PLEASANT THING, BISCUITS!
Ryan gives Louise her ring, wrapped in a fist of pure emotion. Louise must have been briefed, because instead of bursting into tears and screaming ‘WHY WON’T YOU MARRY ME!?!’ she gives a brave Princess Diana smile, and reacts as though Ryan is four and the ring is made of macaroni and glitter glue. Mytton and Harry Baron have a rude argument about Habbs, who is standing beside them.
Also, if Mytton is reading, I’d like to thank him for educating me. I always thought slow worms were snakes, but a cursory Google has revealed that I was wrong, and Harry probably is one. Habbs has the final word. ‘I’m not a poor girl, and I’m not going to get fucked over.’ After Clemmie’s triumph, maybe this new generation of Chelsea women will courageously end the reign of bad, manipulative men. Hooray! Biscuits apologies to Clemmie and Frankie with great sincerity, Digby tells Liv he loves her, Liv says it back and doesn’t ask where her actual present is, and everyone kisses! Merry Christmas!
Hero of the year
Let’s give it to Louise for being a kind sister to Sam, a good friend to Tiff, a statement necklace queen, courageous in the face of her mad shouty ex, but most of all for this. Louise might be the girl every guy wants and every woman wants to be, but she pooed on Santa’s lap. And had her secret revealed on national TV.
Villain of the year
It’s got to be Harry, who went from bad to boring to super snakey slow worm over the course of many, many months. I feel as though I’ve spent more time being bothered by Harry and his bad behaviour than I’ve spent thinking about people I actually know, and for that reason, Harry is the villain of 2017.
The Made In Chelsea Relationships You Definitely Forgot About
Reality TV couples you forgot about - stacked
1 of 31Made In Chelsea: Jamie Laing and Louise Thompson
Remember when Jamie and Louise dated (much to Spencer Matthews' dismay) in 2012? Louise then left Jamie for Spencer, causing a very traumatic love triangle indeed. Poor Jamie.
2 of 31TOWIE: Mark Wright and Lauren Goodger
Mark Wright and Lauren Goodger's romance played out in the first couple of seasons of TOWIE, and it even involved a very short-lived engagement! However, after dating on and off for 10 years, the pair later ended their romance and Mark went on to marry actress Michelle Keegan.
3 of 31The Hills: Jason Wahler and Lauren Conrad
She chose him over Paris, but that didn't stop Lauren Conrad's romance with Jason Wahler coming to an abrupt end. Following their rocky romance, the pair split and Lauren later married William Tell.
4 of 31Love Island: Kady McDermott and Scott Thomas
Before she joined the cast of TOWIE to date Myles Barnett in 2018, Kady McDermott appeared on Love Island in 2016, where she found love with Ryan and Adam Thomas' brother Scott. Things didn't work out when they left the villa, with the pair announcing their split in 2017.
5 of 31Made In Chelsea: Binky Felstead and Jamie Laing
Binks is now a mum to baby India, but remember when she dated Jamie Laing?!? After years of friendship, the two found it difficult to transition to an actual relationship, so decided to call it a day.
6 of 31TOWIE: Lydia Bright and James 'Arg' Argent
Before he started dating Gemma Collins, James 'Arg' Argent and Lydia Bright were one of TOWIE's golden couples. After being on and off for years, the pair ended things for good in 2016. Meanwhile, Lydia gave birth a baby girl, Loretta Rose, in February 2020.
7 of 31Love Island: Sam Gowland and Georgia Harrison
His on/off romance with fellow Geordie Shore star Chloe Ferry came to an end for good (we think) earlier this year but Sam Gowland first hit our TV screens on Love Island 2017, where he left the villa with former TOWIE star Georgia Harrison.
8 of 31Made In Chelsea: Lucy Watson and Jamie Laing
Jamie and Lucy were together for a bit and would even walk their dogs together. Not one for holding back, Lucy Watson has called the show 'incestuous' and she 'no longer wants to waste time with people like Jamie and Proudlock'. Ouch.
9 of 31Made In Chelsea: Ollie Locke and Chloe Green
Topshop Heiress Chloe Green joined the MIC lot in 2011 to date Ollie Locke. Ollie had previously dated Gabby who he broke up with to explore his feelings for men, only to then end up with another woman. It did not go down well...He's now loved-up with husband Gareth Locke.
10 of 31TOWIE: Lucy Mecklenburgh and Mario Falcone
Before Lucy started dating former Coronation Street actor Ryan Thomas, she actually introduced Mario Falcone to TOWIE viewers as her boyfriend. Despite Mario proposing to Lucy on a luxury yacht, things didn't go to plan and their romance ended for good in 2013.
11 of 31Made In Chelsea: Lucy Watson and Proudlock
Ah yes, Lucy and Proudlock. They were the most swoon-worthy couple in SW3... oh, until Lucy found out that Proudlock was dating other women.
12 of 31Love Island: Rykard Jenkins and Rachel Fenton
After meeting on the show in 2016, Rykard and Rachel lasted 18 months in the real world, a lot longer than most Love Island couples!
13 of 31Made In Chelsea: Rosie Fortescue and Hugo Taylor
When Hugo was dating Millie Mackintosh in the show, he hooked up with her best friend Rosie. Millie then raised her glass to a party full of guests and said 'cheers to friendship'. However, Hugo later reconnected with Millie and the pair MARRIED in July 2018. Almost two years later, Millie gave birth to their first child, a baby girl, in May 2020.
14 of 31TOWIE: Charlie Sims and Ferne McCann
These two were actually together for SIX YEARS! But after Charlie decided to quit TOWIE, he later publicly dumped Ferne on Twitter, with reports suggesting he made her choose between him and the show.
15 of 31The Hills: Justin Bobby and Audrina Patridge
Ever since Justin Bobby and Audrina split on The Hills, fans of the popular show have pleaded for them to rekindle their romance, even more so after Audrina announced she was divorcing her husband Corey Bohan.
16 of 31Made In Chelsea: Spencer Matthews and Lucy Watson
Spenny took Lucy to Paris in 2013 and we almost believed he had given up his womanising ways. We were wrong and he admitted to cheating on Lucy with several women. Spencer is now happily married with Vogue Williams and the pair have two adorable children together.
17 of 31TOWIE: Joey Essex and Sam Faiers
Another TOWIE couple which led to a failed engagement. Despite Sam and Joey dating from 2011, the pair didn't make it down to aisle, ending their relationship in 2014.
18 of 31Made In Chelsea: Spencer Matthews and Louise Thompson
Louise joined the show as Spencer's (very despairing) girlfriend. Spencer being Spencer, couldn't stay faithful and resulted in a fair few teary scenes between the pair.
19 of 31TOWIE: Gemma Collins and Charlie King
Perhaps one of the strangest couples ever to grace TOWIE, The GC dated Charlie King in series four, but Charlie later announced he was gay on live TV.
20 of 31Love Island: Tyla Carr and Jonny Mitchell
After breaking Camilla Thurlow's heart, a lot of Love Island fans forget that Jonny Mitchell later coupled up with Tyla Carr.Of course, the romance didn't last when they left the villa!
21 of 31Made In Chelsea: Alex Mytton and Binky Felstead
Binky and Alex were love's young dream (kind of) for two years until his constant cheating became unforgivable. It all worked out well though as she now has the cutest little baby girl with JP and is loved up with boyfriend Max Darnton.
22 of 31The Hills: Heidi Montag and Jordan Eubanks
Before she met, married and had a child with Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag actually dated a guy called Jordan Eubanks on the show. Their romance was played out during season one, before they split.
23 of 31TOWIE: Jess Wright and Ricky Rayment
Potentially one of the messiest break-ups in TOWIE history! After Jess and Ricky dated for two years, things seemed to be going well until Ricky was accused of texting other women. After the split, the pair ended up having a bitter Twitter war. Jess later found love with William Lee-Kemp and got engaged in March 2020.
24 of 31The Hills: Jayde Nicole and Brody Jenner
As well as his 'fake' relationships for the show with Lauren Conrad and Kristen Cavallari, Brody's romance with Jayde seemed pretty serious in 2008. Despite getting matching tattoos, the pair split in December 2009.
25 of 31TOWIE: Lauren Pope and Kirk Norcross
Series two of TOWIE saw the lovable Lauren Pope hooking up with Kirk Norcross. Despite the pair getting his and hers nose jobs', the pair split just weeks after.
26 of 31Love Island: Montana Brown and Alex Beattie
They were one of the hottest couples ever to grace our screens, but things didn't work out for Montana Brown and Alex Beattie when they left the villa in 2017. In fact, their romance lasted just six weeks.
27 of 31Geordie Shore: Vicky Pattison and Jay Gardner
Her time on the show may be best remembered for her turbulent relationship with Ricci Guarnaccio but Vicky Pattison's first Geordie Shore relationship was actually with Jay Gardner back in series one.They were attracted to each other as soon as they stepped in the house but decided they were better off as pals after a series of rows.
28 of 31Celebs Go Dating: Megan Barton-Hanson and Demi Sims
Love Island's Megan Barton-Hanson and TOWIE star Demi Sims hit it off when they both appeared on Celebs Go Dating in 2019. Despite dating for a short time, the pair's romance was over before the series even ended.
29 of 31TOWIE: Bobby Norris and Harry Derbidge
He was one of the show's OG cast members but Harry Derbidge took a break from the TOWIE scene in 2011 before reappearing three years later (in some VERY skimpy swimwear) as Bobby Norris' boyfriend. It all ended in tears though when Harry confessed to sleeping with his ex on holiday in Tenerife.
30 of 31Celebs Go Dating: Charlotte Dawson and Frankie Cocozza
They sign up to date us normal folk but those Celebs Go Dating lot just can't resist breaking the rules and getting it on with each other, can they? In 2017, Charlotte Dawson hooked up with X Factor bad boy Frankie Cocozza but it didn't last once the show ended and she's now loved-up with rugby player Matt Sarsfield.
31 of 31Geordie Shore: Holly Hagan and James Tindale
She might be loved up with footballer fiancé Jacob Blyth now but back in series three of Geordie Shore, Holly Hagan enjoyed a fling with co-star James Tindale. Unfortunately, she was left heartbroken when he returned to the house for series four with a girlfriend.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.