It seems profoundly wrong to bring the chaos of Chelsea to Canada. You take a country famed for its spectacular natural beauty, extremely polite people and delicious national dish of cheesy chips and gravy, and fill it with self absorbed braying poshos, and you can’t help but think of Mr Burns hiding nuclear waste in an unspoiled pine forest. It’s a long, long way to go for a storyline too. They could have just dumped the gang at the indoor ski slope in Milton Keynes. Still, we get to enjoy gorgeous, calm Canada for about eight seconds before the dark clouds gather. Liv’s trip, taking place over Harry’s birthday, has been gatecrashed by Miles, Tristan, Emily and James Taylor – all enemies of the state, and creators of ‘a right state’.
Mark Francis ambushes Louise and tells her he has found her a 2000 person capacity wedding venue. Louise is a little taken aback, because she doesn’t know whether she’s going to invite Mark ‘and Ryan only has 40 friends’. Well, Mark makes 41! The venue is the Wallace collection, which is beautiful, but leaves Ryan looking as though he’s terrified that he might accidentally sneeze and bid a billion pounds for a Matisse. Mark suggests having cakes that match the rooms. Louise has to explain what cakes are to Ryan. I suspect their wedding breakfast will be an assiette of Pret Protein pots, followed by a whole Nando’s chicken for every guest. Bring your own loo roll, it’s going to get unpleasant.
Biscuits has noticed the chemistry between Sophie and Fred and he’s decided that he’s going to play Paddy McGuinness. He invites Fred to dinner at Sophie’s, and while she claims to be unprepared and grumpy, she sounds suspiciously well rehearsed. I think she’s commissioned the ghost of Jackie Collins to write her dialogue. ‘Usually, I am the dessert…you know how good I am with veal.’ She also suggests that she and Fred might have to share a plate, as well as their food. Sophie appears to own handbags that cost more than most family cars, yet she only has enough crockery for three people? Also, her kitchen really does look suspiciously like a studio. It’s not a real, human kitchen unless there’s at least one vast Sports Direct mug left next to the sink, because it won’t fit in any of the cupboards.
Back in Canada, Liv lays down some ground rules for Miles – ‘no being a dick to Harry’. Miles immediately rushes off to be a dick to Melissa. ‘Wouldn’t it be quite nice for you to be “What I did was a bit shit”? Don’t you feel bad about it?”’ Melissa beseeches him. Nooooooo, he does not! Pigeons feel guiltier about crapping on windscreens than Miles feels about his failings as a human being.
James Taylor flirts hard with Liv, who flirts back. This is an unforgivable lapse of taste, worse than buying a cushion that instructs you to ‘Live, laugh, love!’ or farting during an eulogy. But she’s had a tough series so far, so we’ll permit her a little light relief. Melissa is disappointed to discover that she’s not as good at fishing as she should be, given ‘I have a lake at home’, a line so economical yet so evocative that Samuel Becket would have been proud to write it. The group feel that the trip has been more successful than they initially suspected. ‘It’s been quite drama free!’ beams Habbs. Which is a cue for Liv, James and Miles to get roaring drunk and snog each other in the hot tub. The mood gets quite dark, quite fast. ‘Miles is Digby’s best friend. He has zero respect, and zero morals,’ says Habbs, who might not use words that other people would actually say in any real life situation, but is incredibly handy for recapping and exposition.
Bloody Biscuits decides that Fred should be the victim of some well meaning romantic interference and sends Sophie some flowers on Fred’s behalf. Fred has no interest in furthering the flirting. Fortunately, Biscuits does not have the imagination to come up with an exciting sexy message, so the gift is accompanied by a note that simply reads ‘LOVE, FRED, X’. Weirdly, the flowers are delivered to Sophie while she’s having tea in an hotel. How did they know she was there? Does Sophie actually live in a windowless broom cupboard with no room for cameras? Conspiracy theories abound! Sophie hosts a wine tasting at another hotel, and Fred ‘fesses up. Poor Sophie immediately agrees that they’re better as friends, without a flicker of heartbrokenness – and makes Biscuits the victim of her ‘a woman scorned’ fury. She’s very, very sensible. In Canada, there’s a sad, silent dinner, where everyone shouts at Miles, everyone shouts at everyone else for shouting at Miles, Harry wears a leather jacket while cutting up food and we discover that James’ middle name is Russell. Canada is the real victim in all of this. Maybe someone will get eaten by a bear on the way to the airport. Perhaps it’s the only way any of them will learn.
Hero of the week
It has to be Sophie for dealing with disappointment so stylishly, for managing Biscuits so effectively and for managing to make schnitzel without appearing to get a single breadcrumb down her top. She’s the woman we all want to be.
Villain of the week
Miles, obviously – not for kissing Liv, but for gatecrashing a holiday, being rude to Melissa, apologising but never learning, and presumably for paying someone money to do that to his hair.