Is there anything worse than physically cheating on your partner? If you asked Reza Amiri-Garroussi from Made in Chelsea then his answer would probably be yes. As his messy break-up with co-star Ruby Adler continues to unravel on our screens every week, amid Ruby’s flirty-friendship with Miles Nazaire.
The problem is this: Ruby and Reza were together for a decade, and so naturally, any breakup is going to be long, messy and likely to lead to a lot of long and searching conversations about what went wrong (as per the show’s format). The further the two get away from the breakup, though, it’s clear that their own versions of what happened are beginning to diverge.
For Reza, who is trying to date new girl Sarrah Jasmin, Ruby’s meddling and rudeness towards his love interest is starting to wear thin. And so at the end of last night’s episode, he confronted his ex and asked her to explain herself. Ruby gets angry and says to Reza, ‘I don’t think it’s that abnormal for me to not want to see you date under my eyes!’ Reza angrily responds, ‘I had to do that with you and Miles!’
The charge Reza levels at Ruby in the show is that she had an emotional relationship with Miles while the two of them were still together. But what does an emotional affair actually entail? And is it really worse than physically cheating?
What does an emotional affair actually entail? And is it really worse than physically cheating?
Like most of these abstract questions, the answer is: it depends. That’s because in every single relationship, there exists a set of rules and expectations that is (hopefully) known by each partner and pertains to what each person is willing to tolerate. For some couples, such as those practising polyamory or ethical non-monogamy, this can mean total freedom to explore their sexual desires. For others, it means no physical intimacy with anyone other than them. For others, things are a little more blurry — maybe they see flirting as harmless and something they are happy for their partner to innocently engage in.
But the key to all of this has to be trust and communication. When one partner has a mismatch in expectations from the other, this can spell disaster and a lot of heartbreak. For Reza, it seems, by growing emotionally close to Miles while she was still in a relationship with him, Ruby crossed a line. So who is at fault?
For a lot of people, myself included, the idea of a partner growing emotionally intimate with someone else is harder to stomach than the thought of them snogging someone while drunk in the heat of the moment. Because to have an emotional affair suggests that something deeper and harder to address is missing from your connection with one another — something you cannot give them they have had to source elsewhere. Physical impulses are rather more simplistic in my view (though I recognise many don’t see it this way), as is the notion that someone might want to try something outside of what they already have in the bedroom, which for many is a fairly common fantasy.
But in general, when it comes to infidelity of any kind, whether that is emotional or physical, it tends to be the secrecy that is most damaging. When neither party has agreed to any ground rules that might permit them or their partner to explore outside of the relationship, then any actions to do so, whether on a physical or emotional level represent a betrayal or a breach of trust. In that sense, it is the lying that is the biggest problem, and what causes the most harm.
Often, people begin to look outside of their relationship for other solutions if there is something missing, not working or lacking from their connection with their partner — and they aren’t capable of communicating about this effectively. Of course, there are always serial cheaters who are much harder to understand in general.
It is the lying that is the biggest problem, and what causes the most harm.
In the case of Reza and Ruby though, the culprit seems to be a relationship that had run its course, and in which either one or both of them was dissatisfied, but neither had the strength to call time on. When breakups become protracted and unclear, it makes sense that one or both parties may look to others to help them feel better. But they may just be prolonging the inevitable if they do.
Had Ruby and Reza been able to communicate effectively and been strong enough to walk away when things were going wrong, maybe they’d have been able to avoid a lot of the mess they now find themselves trying to sort out. Because in my experience at least, if a relationship is going to end, it’s better to call it sooner, because the longer it goes on the more each party is likely to get hurt.
For both of their sakes, some distance and space seems like it would be a great idea, which should be especially easy since they don’t live in the same small part of London or work together….oh.