It begins with Ollie, trying to picking the pair of perfect pink shorts for his date with Yacine. He is assisted by Jess and Toff, who are much more interested in eating their dinner. Poor Ollie. As much as we’re very invested in his love life, we’re also really shipping Jess and Toff. Look at their matching dungas! If only we could put their names in a heart, we’d stop grumbling about Mytton’s meddling and Biscuit’s bothersome behaviour forever. However, Toff only has eyes for bloody Boulle, even though he tells Lukas and Jamie ‘I am not having sexual relations with that woman.’ In a truly ear warping American accent. Twice. If only Toff could hear him! It’s so sexually offputting that next time his penis came a-knocking, her vagina would turn all the lights off and hide behind the sofa. And he still likes Olivia!
Jamie is trying to work out whether he’s more cross with Mytton for hitting on Frankie, or Frankie for failing to say ‘Sir, my heart belongs to another!’ and securing her chastity belt with a Yale lock. ‘It was definitely not a one way street!’ claims Boulle, stirring like someone who has heard that making a meringue counts as steps on a Fitbit.
We learn that Binky knows the French for ‘the pig is in the garden’ and Louise’s secret boyfriend is a personal trainer with a body you could carve presidents’ faces on. ‘Has he got a big ding dong? What about Alik? You’re going to break his heart,’ mutters Mytton, who appears to be on the brink of a personal break down. ‘Hooking up with your trainer is the most clichéd thing.’ But what about living in SW6, having enormous hair and cheating on all your girlfriends? Let he who is without cliché cast the first bone-r…
Jamie, the loving and caring boyfriend, has decided that he is not going to take Frankie’s side on the Mytton business. ‘You didn’t even pat him off,’ he cries. That sounds like something that should go in Frankie’s favour, but what do we know! ‘Why didn’t you say “Mytton, I’m your best mate’s girlfriend!”?’ Well Jamie, perhaps because every episode begins with a recap and Frankie thought that even Mytton isn’t so stupid that he wouldn’t know that. Or maybe it’s for the same reason that you didn’t say ‘Ah, I see you’re asleep in my bed. I’m going to the sofa, as I probably shouldn’t share a bed with you because my girlfriend wouldn’t like it.’
Boulle turns up at Olivia’s villa with a bottle of rose, two glasses and incongruous eyewear. ‘I was looking for Sam, to give him back his goggles,’ he claims, convincing as an email from a Nigerian prince. As he gets Liv to give him a sun-creaming, Toff, abetted by Jess, rings him up and asks if he wants to go out and eat snails. She’s not slow off the mark! Unlike her dinner!
We learn Steph has gone back to LA - was it something we said? - and Tiff is encouraging Frankie to liaise with Mytton and get the story straight. Ollie’s date with Yacine goes well, despite the fact that glasses are smashed, tackle is dropped and Ollie tells an outright lie. ‘This is potentially my first fishing date,’ he claims, which we know to be a fib because we saw him get his worm out for Chloe Green way back in Series Two.
Mytton and Frankie fail to fix things, with him claiming ‘All I know is that it takes two of us, it wasn’t just me,’ when he was probably one drink away from trying it on with the taxi driver. He refers to the ‘shenanagin’ in the singular, adding ‘I wasn’t just being some creepy drunk bloke’. You mean, because you’re no more creepy when you’re drunk than you are when you’re sober? Biscuits has become bored. ‘Are we going to sit here and argue about the same thing over and over?’ Mate, have you seen your own TV show?
We meet Ryan, Louise’s boyfriend, who is…well. Imagine you’re in a maths lesson, and you have to draw a small object to scale and make it large. Your chosen object is Matt Damon. But you keep scaling up, and once you’ve drawn the head, each body part becomes subsequently more enormous until it eventually looks like you’re such a huge fan of Matt Damon, you’ve drawn him as the Incredible Hulk, and you’re suggesting it as a role for him. That’s Ryan!
Ollie, buoyed by his date, immediately tells him he LOVES short shorts and challenges him to a swim. Ryan is a man in love. ’It’s all a bit overwhelming how I’ve grown fond of you, for you to take off for the while summer, to France where you’re exposed to luxuries and parties…’ Clearly, they are from different worlds. I suspect Ryan’s idea of luxury is having Bayliss and Harding hand soap and matching moisturiser in your downstairs loo. The trouble is that once he’s in the pool, Louise tells Binky she’s thinking about going back to New York…
Toff and Boulle appear to have a brilliant date, although he admits that he’d rather find romance down a hole full of gold in Africa than with a woman. He wants to draw her, she wants him to be sexually exclusive if he’s sleeping with her. It’s a reasonable and hygienic request. Yet over dinner, Sam and Jamie are letting Liv dream about a Boulle based future, perhaps to take the edge off the fact that Frankie is refusing to kiss Jamie, and Mytton is looking so petulant and troubled that if he’s not careful someone is going to cast him as Ryan Attwood in a redux of The OC.
Still, he’s not too sad to coopt Binky’s birthday party! Dressed like a daydream of a diarrhoea commerical in white and cream, he tells Mytton that he’s had enough and he’s heading home. ‘I will be 100 per cent there,’ says Jamie, and by ‘there’ we assume he means ‘on the same continent, separated by a single sea’. Boulle has a flirt with Liv until Toff turns up, telling her that him and Toff ‘aren’t really, you know’. Liv, he is, you know. With his willy. It’s a good job that Mytton made a decision to leave, as there are piles of prawns that have been left out in the hot sun, and I have a spooky feeling that the party goers will soon find themselves in figurative and literal shit. However, the episode is redeemed when Ollie and Yacine have a long, lovely snog. Hooray for love!
Hero of the week
Let’s give it to Jess 'Women should be able to ask guys out on dates' Woodley for her top feminist thinking. YES JESS!
Villain of the week
I’m cross with Mytton for acting as if he played no part in the great Frankie flirtation. Go home, and don’t come back until you’re less creepy and drunk!
** Like this? Then you might also be interested in:**
MADE IN CHELSEA'S JESS WOODLEY TELL US ABOUT GOING ON TV'S FIRST DATES
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.