We start with a picnic in lavender fields, which, if Olivia starts getting frisky and agitating for sausage chat, is in danger of becoming dejeuner sur le perv. However, the only sausage she’s interested in is the one in the hamper. She’s decided that the subject of her burgeoning relationship with Boulle, and how it has led to Toff’s romantic disappointment, is ‘bitchy schoolgirl stuff which I am not part of.’ Dude, you are 50 per cent of the people responsible for Toff’s heartbreak. You cannot be excluded from this narrative. Rubbing salt into the saucisson, she adds ‘I don’t want a full time relationship, I haven’t got time for that rubbish,’ alienating every viewer who has ever loved a partner, while sounding about as convincing as RikRok explaining why there are no condoms left.
Toff is writing about her vacances for _The Lad_y, and, most classily, she decides not to mention what went down at the polo. Perhaps because the subs would not permit the use of ‘snake’ as a verb. Jess has a brand new beau, who is ‘very French - I feel uncomfortable because his face is too nice.’ Oh la la! The bois go stand up paddle boarding, which is less Blue Crush and more Blue Smush as they’re unable to stay on for more than half a second. Yet they are surprisingly dry when they stop for a chat. Suspicious. Mytton is back after a head clear, and now that he’s emptied his brain of any negative thoughts about his own actions and behaviour, he’s made space to think up some evil ones about Frankie. Apparently she’s been drunkenly, repeatedly telling him that she doesn’t like Jamie, she likes him. Hmmm. This is just after Jamie has been banging on about how he’s now crazy in love. Would Mytton bother to sabotage his relationship if he wasn’t going to get a dramatic storyline out of it?
Olivia is similarly motivated, telling anyone who will listen that Frankie gave a strange man her number - perhaps because Olivia will face questions about her Boulle bagging if she draws breath. We meet Jess’s Maxcence, who is very French, and as Toff says, ‘aesthetically pleasing’. He is beautiful, and looks like he might be Jess’s cousin. Apparently Jess lived in French as a child….if only we could have a thrillingly problematic incest storyline, instead of a tedious ‘let’s shag everyone’s friends’ one.
The gang go out in Monaco, with Mytton and Matt turning up in a car that looks like a rejected sketch of a Transformer. We don’t see the numberplate, but let’s assume it reads WANKA. Victoria and Mark Francis are spotted kissing on the lips, and everyone else is behaving like they’re doing a PA in a chain club just outside Bristol. Le Tigre, Le Tigre, peut etre?
Boulle and Jamie skip dinner to take their girls out. Each has one long braid, and Boulle has turned up in a kaftan. This viewer feels a little bit like she did when she was little and her father was messing about with dangly Polly Pocket earrings, and accidentally went to the supermarket with one still in. Jamie creepily forces Frankie to kiss him, then makes Olivia and Boulle kiss each other. Biscuits talks about how happy he is, and then Frankie tells Olivia that she’s finding everything a bit of a ‘drag’, adding ‘When we have sex, it’s like we’re friends, it’s funny, we’re laughing.’ This is spookily similar to what Jess said, all those series ago. What is it about sex with Jamie that’s so hilarious? Does he put on a funny hat when he’s about to orgasm? Balloon animal prophylactics? Olivia calls her out on her fondness for being a bit free with her phone number, and Frankie points out that she’s getting a lot more shit than Jamie did when he had girls in his bed.
Proving her point, Mytton and Matt are bitching about Frankie so energetically that it’s hard not to imagine them on opposing sides of a garden fence, under a washing line. Matt claims Frankie has said Jamie is ‘not good enough for me’. This may be true, but it’s hard to buy it wholesale, purely because Matt is more irritating than the kid who would always add an unnecessary ‘of kings’ during a school assembly round of Sing Hosannah!
Jess and Maxcense have a sexy date by the sea, and Tiff and Sam have an awkward one on a terrace as we all fight fears that they’re about to be torn asunder by Sam’s bachelor nostalgia. Ollie plans a drinks party, and Toff nobly tells him she doesn’t mind if he invites Boulle and Olivia, while pointedly painting a lonely stick figure trapped on a boat. Boulle takes Olivia out to eat what looks like a plate of ham and mayonnaise, and Victoria and Mark Francis stick up for Toff, but get a little distracted because he still has his horrible, hilarious braid. And he’s still wearing his kaftan.
Louise is in the middle of suggesting that she and Frankie organise a dinner (‘Maybe the girls should cook for the boys!’ I’m sorry, what? Firstly, how much internalised misogyny is in that suggestion, and secondly, has anyone made any edible food for anyone since you all took sushi making classes in 2012?) They are interrupted by an angry Jamie who has just had a chat with Mytton. Unfortunately, Frankie thinks he’s heard about the random number getting man, not knowing that Mytton has been alluding to her drunk talk. In the face of extreme provocation, Frankie can only use the moves that Jamie has been showcasing for his entire sexual career. ‘It isn’t true!’ she insists. 0 for believability, 10 for chutzpah.
Ollie’s drinks begin badly, as knowing nothing of #squadgoals, Victoria attempts to puncture a pool swan before Toff can ‘mount’ it. Jess’s lovely boyfriend is a bit late, but he’s so pretty and she’s so happy that we can’t mind. ‘I painted this painting that had loads of hearts in it, because I was thinking about you,’ is the sort of sentence you can only say to someone if English isn’t their first language. Olivia and Boulle are, it pains me to say, adorable together, and then Toff turns up for a civil hello that quickly becomes a fraught discussion about feelings. Don’t do it, dude! You were doing so well!
Jamie, all credit to him, tells Mytton that he will back Frankie ‘to the fucking end’ and it’s quite endearing until Frankie arrives to fight Mytton and tell Biscuits ‘I’m getting more shit for this than you have for stuff you’ve done’. Jamie does not follow her when she leaves. We shouldn’t encourage her, but it is kind of nice to see Jamie getting a taste of his own Rich Tea.
**Hero of the week **
No-one has acquitted themselves particularly well this time around, so let’s give it to Victoria for going out of her way to make a spirited defence of her friend when she could be tucking into a delicious plate of ham.
Villain of the week
This goes to Mytton, who is being a sneaky, destructive snake in the name of friendship. We could give it to Matt for following his lead instead of keeping a low profile and getting stuck into the free beers, but we don’t want Matt to make the mistake of thinking he’s important. Second place goes to whoever it was who put the braids in Boulle and Biscuits’ hair.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.