The theme of this week’s episode of Made In Chelsea is the collapse of capitalism, as we begin with Mark Francis forcing Toff and Victoria to find him some models. His brief is accidental handsomeness - the models he wants are ‘not the sort of people you pay’ - perhaps he’s got models confused with Millennials. Or slaves. Gosh, and here’s me thinking that these Chelsea people became wealthy through hard work and a shrewd investment strategy! It turns out that you can save absolute wads of cash just by forcing people to do something for nothing for you! To be fair, he is barely paying Toff or Victoria either - he’s presented them with some stationery. Toff looks delighted to be included, Victoria looks as though Mark just shat in her mouth and told her that she’s now an art installation.
WATCH: We Spoke To Lucy, Proudlock And Bink From Made In Chelsea
On that note (an irresistibly poor pun) will someone please talk to Julius about learning to sing so that he doesn’t sound as though he’s trying to have a poo? He’s undoubtedly talented, but when he’s trying to convey extreme emotion, he simply sounds as if he’s sad because the man at Holland and Barrett has just told him that they’re all out of syrup of figs. Mimi is starting to decide that now Tiff has lost interest in Charlie, she doesn’t want him anymore either. 'I think you’d be really good looking with an edgier vibe,' she says to her boyfriend, who is one of the few people still alive in 2017 who hears the word Jersey and assumes someone is referring to a cosy woollen item knitted by their nanny, rather than the Channel Island.
Sam Prince and Liv are sulking about the fact that Sam Thompson, Tiff and Harry are furious with them for the Truth or Dare kiss revelation. ‘The reason it’s got like this is that you two have overreacted,’ whinges Liv - which is a bit like dousing someone’s house in petrol, and then blaming that person for burning their own house down after lighting an unwitting cigarette. Harry points out that Sam Prince and Liv were responsible for the dare itself. There are Year Threes all over the country with a greater sense of honour and moral responsibility than Sam Prince and Liv.
Through Biscuits, we learn that your favourite animal reveals the way that you perceive yourself, and your second favourite animal is your ideal sexual partner. Clearly, he’s hoping that Ryan will begin an awkward conversation by saying ‘What’s that animal that hates having sex and is dying out? Oh yeah, giant pandas.’ But he doesn’t, and Biscuits is forced to yell ‘YOU’RE NOT HAVING IT OFF WITH LOUISE! SHE TOLD ME!’ He suggests spicing things up with some roleplay, Ryan suggests that he pretend to be ‘Dave from next door’. If your name is Dave and you live in the Fulham area I’d be very concerned. Biscuits proposes some lingerie shopping with sexy Sophie. Why has Sophie agreed to this? What lucrative endorsement deal could be in the works? La Senza went into administration!
Mimi dresses Charlie in a strange symphony of beige. ‘I look like bread,’ he complains. and then Mimi has a go at him for keeping his old shoes on. Mimi, you can’t dress the poor man as a loaf of Farmhouse white and then get upset about his loaf-ers! Sam Prince ups the ante over dinner with Liv, Toff and Victoria, claiming that he’s been keeping secrets for Tiff about a sleepover ‘with fondling’. Lovely Toff knows that any erratic behaviour on Tiff’s part is the business of a woman in love, who would do anything to get Sam back in time for another sexy festive calendar. Victoria doesn’t do kindness or sympathy so she settles for calling her a ‘snake’ instead. Takessssssss one to know one…at the lingerie shop, we discover that the whole silly business is a ruse for Biscuits to pick up a suspender belt and pretend that he really thinks it’s a bra. Oh, the hilarity! Sorry, sorry, humanity.
Charlie gets revenge on Mimi by presenting her with a tweed jacket and pearls. Mimi is outrageously rude, whining ‘Well, I can probably make this look cute, but in what world would I wear it?’ sassy Fred’s answer is ‘Berkshire’. Is Mimi worried that English clothes will obscure her Canadian heritage, or is she worried about losing her own lucrative endorsement deal with boohoo.com? She must defend her territory from Sophie! Tiff tells Sam about the bed sharing, saying that nothing happened and it came about because Sam ‘lives in the countryside’ which would be a brilliant excuse, if it wasn’t for the fact that proper, inaccessible countryside is a 14 hour train ride away, and if Sam Prince was regularly doing that kind of commute, we’d never see him on the show at all, we’d just see a close up shot of his Young Person’s Railcard during the first post-credits montage. Still, they tenderly hug it out. How long will this amity last? Maybe, if we’re lucky, a whole ad break!
It’s time for Mark Francis’ odd modelly fashion party! It appears that the sum total of the work Mark put into the enterprise includes having a shower, dressing, hailing a taxi and showing up, while Toff diligently and thanklessly beavered away. ‘You took the helm, I’ll have to employ you again,’ he mutters at a beaming Toff who is hoping for a tiny scrap of thanks or credit. She smiles a little too brightly. ‘There was an element of sarcasm there,’ he adds. Yeah, sarcasm because if you’re going to legitimately employ someone you have to pay them.
Sam Thompson confronts Sam Prince about the bed sharing and Liv, as welcome and useful as a giant mosquito, interrupts and interjects about the specific nature of the fondling, adding that Tiff seems to have deleted some messages that were exchanged between them. ‘What do you mean by fondling?’ asks a heartbroken Sam. ‘Touching her boobs!’ yells Liv, gleefully. What is it you hate, Liv? Love? Other humans? Having the camera off you for more than four seconds at a time? Sam Thompson utters the accidentally funny line ‘Mate, I’m not friends with you anymore’ and then storms off to confront Tiff, who then has to go and confront Liv. Poor Tiff considered Liv her best friend. I’ve seen neighbours on Channel Five documentaries with the word ‘hell’ in the title who are friendlier than Liv.
Elsewhere Louise speaks for all of us when she tells Ryan how delighted she is that they are on their own, in a bar for date night, far away from all of the nonsense. She’s a bit phased by his choice of enormous knickers, and his knocker model, but impressed that he’s spent ‘about a grand’. Someone needs to tell them both about the existence of Rosie for M&S. It looks like they are out of their rut, although heartbreakingly we do not get to see Ryan pretending to be Sexy Neighbour Dave.
Hero of the week
I think this should go to Toff, for being kind about Tiff during a cruel and judgemental time, for being a helpful friend to Mark Francis and most of all, for knowing that the only way to get through the whole ordeal was to choose the champagne with the highest alcohol content.
Villain of the week
This is a joint prize for Liv and Sam Prince for going out of their way to hurt people entirely out of spite. Someone needs to remind them that Santa has started his annual period of serious observation, and they’re in serious sock of coal territory.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.