How much protein do you actually need? This is a question that most of us have contemplated in Tesco Metro, while squinting at a family pack of Matthewson Fridge Raiders, and the poser Louise puts to Ryan, who is moving into the Thompson residence. ‘Why are you looking at my protein?’ replies Ryan. Dude, you have about 40 boxes of it! There isn’t room on the screen for anything else! Tiff is understandably miffed that there’s only one Thompson sibling who is keen to shack up, and it isn’t the one she’s dating. ‘Is he going to have his own key?’ she hisses at Sam. No, he’s going to come in and out through Louise’s bedroom window, like the Milk Tray Man!
Mimi goes to tea with Ella and Toff, and reveals that she and Ella were part of a three-way snog with Harry. ‘We were so drunk, we were belligerent!’ she exclaims. What a brilliant way to describe the effects of being…excessively hydrated. ‘Last night I got so belligerent that I yelled at the barman for 25 minutes for running out of Monster Munch.’ Ella regrets everything, but admits ‘I do like [Harry], I wish I didn’t.’ Dude, what’s to like? Can you talk us through it? We’re scratching our heads so hard that we’re on the brink of trepanning ourselves.
Elsewhere, traitor Harry is being bought a beer by Julius, and saying helpful things like ‘If I was in your position, I wouldn’t give Ella a chance’. His plan of attack would be deemed basic and unsophisticated by one of Trump’s staffers. Why are Ella and Julius both falling for it? Also, why is he wearing a jacket with sheepskin lapels that could be seen from space? Is he too young to have ever watched Only Fools And Horses, and unable to understand that he’s dressing like Del Boy? Now I’m depressed.
The Tina/Frankie furore continues apace, which gives us all time to have a sneaky check of our work emails or do the big poo that can’t wait until the ad break. Tina sounds a bit posher, which makes me wonder whether a producer had a word, or sent her to one of those places where you have to walk around with a book on your head and learn how to say ‘do excuse me!’ after you’ve farted. Liv vacation shames Daisy, who has been on her ‘hollibobs’ - Liv implies that if you didn’t fly long haul, it wasn’t a holiday at all. Toff tells Victoria about her exciting date with Sam Prince. ‘Ah, scavenging through my leftovers, I see!’ she retorts. ‘I’d much rather have your leftovers than anyone else’s,’ coos Toff loyally, instead of replying with ‘Why am I even friends with you, you rude bitch?’
Sam Prince is prepping for his date while Jamie prepares for his trip to Tel Aviv for the Forbes 30 under 30 summit. ‘It’s unbelievable that you’re going,’ says Sam. Yes! It is! Jamie is a man who is so intellectually puzzled that he once spent 48 hours in Las Vegas screaming ‘VEGAS! VEGAS!’ like a toddler that knew one word. If he’s one of the top young business talents in the world, then the world is made of Lego and the money comes with a notice on the box about choking hazards. Jamie kindly offers Sam a lend of his favourite animal print shirt. Sam is very excited about this, even though he usually dresses as though he’s about to play golf with someone’s Dad.
Jamie waves goodbye to Frankie, with one hand on his wheelie case and the other hailing a taxi cab. HAS NO-ONE IN SW6 HEARD OF UBER? Frankie says that she’s going to go out, because she ‘hasn’t been out for ages’. This has overtaken ‘it’s so good to get out of London’ as the most overused phrase of the show. In the Chelsea universe, ‘ages’ means ‘about three days’. I’d bet my Boots advantage points on Frankie getting into boy related trouble before Biscuits has landed and put on his special Entrepreneur costume.
Toff’s date with Sam Prince is odd, because he takes all of Biscuits’ terrible advice and allows Jamie to continue providing this advice through a bluetooth headset. Toff is baffled by the outfit, and perhaps even more thrown by Sam’s decision to order her food for her, so that it turns up about three seconds after she’s sat down. But she gets her own back when she subjects Sam to a Meet The Parents style grilling from Victoria and Mark Francis. Sam gets so nervous that he lies about being able to drive. Julius and Ella make it up, when the penny (commemorative ten pound coin, more like) drops that Harry has been playing them harder than a brand new X-Box One on Christmas day. Yay!
Sure enough, Frankie bumps into Daisy early the next morning. Frankie immediately starts bitching about Tina and Liv, which is painfully dull, but also might divert attention away from the fact that Frankie is almost certainly wearing last night’s playsuit. Tina and Liv are lying on the grass in the park - don’t give each other nits, guys! They like clean hair! - and Harry rolls up, all sorry-not-sorry about how he just spent the night with Frankie, in Biscuits’ bed. He then goes off and tells Sam Thompson, adding that Frankie is very flirty, and he might fancy her a bit. It’s like reading a passage in the Bible about a plague of locusts, in which the locusts spread their own scary prophecies. Harry is a love locust.
Louise and Ryan have a housewarming, but because they’re posh they don’t do it in their actual house. Sam and Louise have an adorable moment, celebrating their sibling friendship, but this is soon drowned out by the dinner chat, as Tiff calls Liv out for Tina’s Frankie related nastiness, and Tina, with nothing to lose, says ‘Well, didn’t you have Harry sleeping in Jamie’s bed?’ There’s a gloriously awful screaming match, we learn that Harry grabbed Frankie’s arse, and Frankie ‘didn’t tell him to stop’ - so Harry, to all intents and purposes, assaulted a drunken Frankie, and it’s Frankie’s failure to say no that’s a big deal? Way to bury the lede! It ends in Jamie yelling - ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU’RE A FUCKING WANKER!’ as Frankie rushes out to comfort him, and they have an awkward conversation in a chilly stone hall. At the table, Harry sneers ‘We all know we’ve done something wrong, at least I’m man enough to admit it.’ Harry, according to some of the sadder, cruder, scary Reddit subforum definitions, yes, you are the very epitome of modern masculinity.
Hero of the week
Let’s give it to Sam T, for being surprisingly mellow about Ryan’s arrival, and for being so sweet to Louise and giving us at least one example of a successful boy/girl friendship on the show. Even if they are related.
Villain of the week
Water is wet, fire is hot, the sun rises in the East and it’s Harry Bloody Baron again. Women, don’t have arses, otherwise, Harry will think he’s got an open invitation to touch them. Don’t have boyfriends either, because Harry will turn them against you. Essentially, if you see Harry, scream as loudly as you can, and/or start tunnelling into the ground and hide.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.