Usually, when a new cast member is introduced to the Chelsea universe, it’s typical for a viewer to experience a wave of pre-traumatic stress syndrome. Whose face will they throw a drink into? Which relationship will they ruin? How many times will they call everyone ‘mate’ with an unconvincingly flat vowel sound until some other old Etonian feels compelled to strangle them with a tie? However, this week’s new addition is going to bring nothing but joy and happiness - it’s a puppy called Max. ‘He looks like a Max,’ coos owner Stephanie. ‘Or a Keith,’ mutters Ollie. Oooh, yeah! If Stephanie dyes his hair green and gets him a spiky collar, he’d be a great Keith!
In other new edition news, Binks asks Louise to look after Scrumble because she and JP are going to Mauritius ‘for the babymoon’. We don’t begrudge Binky a holiday, but you can’t drop a portmanteau bomb like that and pretend it’s as typical a part of pregnancy as craving mayonnaise and going to Halfords to buy a special child car seat. I want more moons in my life. Louise might be off on a moon soon - she’s just got back from Paris, and Ryan acted strangely and brought a special jewellery box. Hmmmm. What’s more interesting and worrying is the fact that Louise just had her birthday, which she celebrated in another country, and this is supposedly news to her pals. It’s almost as if this is nothing but a friendship showmance! Say it ain’t so!
The bois get brunch, and Sam comments on how nice it is to eat without Tiff and ‘get normal food’ - dude, what does Tiff make you eat? That vacuum packed astronaut ice cream? Dairylea Lunchables? Harry does his sleazy best to sound like a normal boy with feelings, and not a grubby bastard who would ruin someone else’s relationship for the sake of some screen time. Jamie rushes in to complain about Liv, who is ruining his relationship by reporting Jamie's bad behaviour to Frankie. Remember, Jamie is not to blame for what he does - it’s all Liv’s fault, for talking about it? Jamie also demands to know why Proudlock is wearing his hat inside. Again, it’s like he doesn’t know his old friend at all. Was he recently concussed?
Jamie rushes to a rooftop in order to shout at Liv and put her off her Bloody Mary. ‘I don’t think you should flirt with other girls,’ admonishes Liv, relatively gently. Jamie does not take this instruction well. ‘I think you’re a fucking dick,’ he hisses. Ella tells Toff and Mimi that she’s desperate to make things right with Julius, just as Julius is telling everyone who’ll listen that he doesn’t trust her. Urghhh, Harry. May a red hanky get put in a hot wash with your white shirts. May someone else get in the Uber that you just ordered, and travel all the way to Inverness on your debit card.
Louise talks to Sam and Ryan about the trip, and the question that is hanging in the air. ‘Ah, Paris is very much the place of marriage!’ says Sam, because it’s easy to confuse the French capital with a church or registry office. Jamie has a romantic evening in with Frankie, warming her up with his favourite subject - himself. ‘Be honest, do you prefer my hair….?’ he starts to ask. ‘Yup, with a hat,’ snaps Frankie. Jamie and Frankie are both keen to blame Liv for everything, from being open about his indiscretions to maintaining a friendship with Tina. Now, no-one wants their mate to chum up with the person their partner just copped off with, but this is a MASSIVE RED FLAG WITH BELLS AND HORNS. When your bad boyfriend is accusing your friend of causing all of the problems in your relationship, when your boyfriend is just one big, twatty problem in a trilby, he could reasonably be accused of trying to isolate you. Is MIC helpfully showing us an example of a terrible relationship, or is it normalising something that is really serious and frightening? Hmmmm….
On the subject of manipulative creeps, Harry doorsteps Ella, saying ‘it HURTS ME, seeing you upset’ which is not the same as saying ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’. Ella is on her way to meet Julius, hoping for a reunion - but he rebuffs her wholehearted apology, and says he ‘dodged a bullet’. Frankie has lunch with Tiff and Liv, and accuses the latter of being a bad friend. Liv cries. She cries quite a lot for someone who has said, more than once, ‘I literally never cry’. Glad those ducts are working, for health reasons! We learn Sam Prince has his eye on Toff, which might lead to something adorable, and Biscuits asks him ‘Can you actually flirt?’ Ah, we might be in for a replay of Jamie ‘teaching’ golf pro Sam to putt. Julius announces, for anyone still playing MIC bingo, that he ‘wants us all to get out of London’ and come to a cricket match that he’s putting on because his grandfather was captain of England. Oh, cricket captain of England! Harry spews a lot of bullshit to Julius, claiming that Ella said she was single. ‘It’s just a bit of shame that she wasn’t honest’. Oh, Harry, may you come back from holiday to a massive power cut and a stinky, dripping fridge-freezer.
Ella has braved the cricket match, and brought a love letter to Julius signed ‘lots of love and turtles’. Oh, I turtle-lly want this to happen for her. Frankie is so committed to exposing at least one shoulder at all times that she’s almost garrotting herself with a cricket jumper. Frankie and Jamie are united against Liv. ‘If Liv is going to bring Tina places that I am, that’s disloyal,’ huffs Frankie. Dude, take it up with the producers or whoever drove the minibus out to Julius’ big field. Sam Prince asks Toff to go on a date with him, on the condition that she yells ‘SAM!’ while he’s running around doing cricket things. She’s keen. JP surprises Binky with an adorable gift - a personalised family tree picture. That’s some subtle product placement from Not On The High Street. ‘Don’t tell anyone I did this,’ murmurs JP. Let’s keep this a secret guys, yeah?
There’s another big, boring row between Frankie, Liv and Tina - Frankie, just dump Jamie! It isn’t hard! He’s not your mobile phone company! - and then slimy sleazeball Harry oozes up to Ella and tells lots of lies about Julius. ‘He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to be with you - I’d hate to see you make a fool out of yourself.’ And then ‘I always have your best interests at heart.’ He might as well have gone into Ella’s handbag with a lighter and burned the bloody letter. If someone could harness my hatred of Harry, they could use it as an alternative energy source and power the National Grid. It’s renewable - I will never, ever run out of fury and loathing for that shitty little weasel. What’s galling is that he isn’t even clever or calculating. His ‘game playing’ makes Year 3 nativity play politics look sophisticated. He makes Donald Trump look sophisticated. Yet Ella and Julius are falling for it. Whyyyyyyy?
Hero of the week
It’s contentious, but I’m going to give it to Frankie for telling Biscuits that his hair looks best when it’s fully covered with a hat. Genius. May those sweaty follicles never see the light of day again.
Villain of the week
Of course it’s bloody Harry. It’s Harry for all time. May he have a birthday party, and put the wrong date on the invites, and have no-one turn up. May he leave his phone charger in Starbucks and have Googlemaps run out of battery and die on him just as he’s trying to navigate a weird bit of Dalston. May he sit on his favourite sunglasses. May he arrive at the airport and discover he’s picked up his expired passport. May his washing machine break in the middle of a cycle, with all of his soggy pants locked inside forever.
Like this? You might also be interested in…
Who Is Ella Willis? Made In Chelsea’s Self-Proclaimed ‘Brainy Blonde Bombshell’.
Meet Julius Cowdrey, The Guy You Definitely Fancy From Made In Chelsea
Made In Chelsea 13.7: There’s A trip To A Country House, Everyone Gets Soused And Harry Is A Louse
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollergirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.