In an act of cruelty that can only be described as ‘Etonian’, Proudlock and Jamie are forcing intern and Made In Chelseanewbie, Sam Prince to dash about the streets of SW6 with a sheaf of dry cleaning and four cups of takeaway coffee. They’re timing him with a stopwatch. Keeno Sam P completes the task with a second to spare, possibly because the lids of the cups are almost certainly glued on, or because a real intern handed the tray to him as he entered the room. Why are there four coffees for three people? Is Jamie a bit spill-y? Could Proudlock not choose between nut milks for his latte? Anyway, the dry cleaning is the important bit because it reminds us that Jamie is still in the middle of a feud with Other Sam, who chucked a drink at him the other day, and that Biscuits is seemingly incapable of owning and operating a washing machine.
Binky has taken JP and Ollie to her antenatal class, where JP announces ‘I feel like I’m doing a great job!’ despite not knowing what a birthing plan is. Liv runs into Harry who, in full WW2 spiv gear, announces he has ‘just come from the office’ lest we forget he is the only person in the programme who claims to have anything that could broadly be classed as a full-time job. ‘Do I look different without my clothes on?’ giggles Liv, whose rebound flirting style appears to be a very sweet nineties style tribute to the late, great Tara P-T. ‘Life’s too short, we should be having fun!’ chuckles Harry, who also misses 100 percent of the shots he doesn’t take and is proud to spell Team without an ‘i’.
Mimi and Toff are in a members’ club, complaining loudly of exhaustion - poor Toff has to write about diamonds for The Lady and throw a diamond themed party. Mimi has to write a piece about love and sex for ‘her magazine’ (if you do a quick Google you’ll discover that this magazine is online only and mostly written, produced and published my Mimi herself, making her a sort of Buzzfeed Barbara Streisand.) Julius turns up and whinges about Ella. ‘I’m not the sort of person to get into a relationship and cheat, I’m a good bloke.’ Maybe I’ll start nicking Mars Bars from my local corner shop. I mean, I’m not the sort of person to do that, so they can’t get upset about it…Jamie tells Proudlock that Frankie cheated on him a while ago, and Frankie tells Toff that she’s just discovered Jamie did some festive ‘fondling’ with a girl called Tina. ‘I cry so much at the moment, it’s annoying,’ sniffs Frankie, as if her emotions were as inconvenient as a ‘Sorry we missed you!’ card from Yodel, or an Uber parked four streets from where you asked it to pick you up.
Toff takes Mimi to look at the diamonds that are being borrowed for the party. The diamonds come with a slightly intense man who seems a bit too pleased to be watching them bedecking themselves in bling. ‘HOW MUCH IS THIS WORTH?’ squeals Mimi, who is seconds away from Googling the nearest Cash Converters. ‘They’re perfect, we’ve done really well,’ beams Toff. ‘Done’? Define ‘do’!
Harry makes a very flirty phone call to Ella, who is either pretending that she doesn’t have caller ID, or sensibly deleted his number after he broke her heart a few months ago. Harry persuades her to agree to a drinks date, even though he was kissing Liv just hours ago. ‘There was NO SEXUAL INTERCOURSE,’ snaps Liv, like a profoundly prudish biology teacher. ‘I don’t want to date this guy, I don’t trust him for shit, but I was bored and lonely and needed attention,’ If Harry was on TripAdvisor, his review would say ‘Not quite as awful as Tinder. Three out of five owls.’ Jamie tells Harry about Julius and his wayward willy, and Harry decides to ‘swoop in’ on Ella. Urghhhh, no, he’s worse. A pest of prey.
Frankie and Jamie have drinks to ‘get everything out in the open’ which end with Jamie comfortingly saying ‘If I do want to hook up with someone else, I’ll break up with you first’. As reassuring phrases go, it’s up there with ‘I will break your door down very noisily before I start the actual robbery.’ Even less reassuring is Ollie’s movie night with JP. He’s lined up a load of birth videos. ‘I don’t know if it’s more disturbing that you suggested you watch it, or that you brought popcorn and red wine,’ murmurs a distressed JP. I think we can assume that he won’t be eating Binky’s placenta.
Harry takes Ella out for champagne and is sleazily sweet to her for about three minutes before he starts acting like a raving knob. ‘I wouldn’t want to see one of my friends getting messed about like a little puppet…of course you’re happy. I want you to let go of the resentment you have towards me.’ In other words, if Ella’s angry that she got cheated on, she’s the one with the problem. Ah, the Julius School of Morals And Manners! It’s clear that poor Ella has a type - it’s men who are terrible.
It’s Toff’s diamond party! The intense diamond man is in his element, touching Frankie’s neck with such ill-concealed excitement that he could be Edward Cullen’s most embarrassing uncle. JP tells Binky that Ollie made him watch a woman having a baby. ‘But you love chick flicks!’ she exclaims. ‘Was it Bridget Jones?’ Harry tells Sam that he’s after Ella because ‘I really want what I can’t have - the chase intrigues me.’ Yeah? It’s repeated every night on Challenge TV. Stay at home and watch it and leave Ella alone. Sam and Jamie try to win their argument, but end up hugging it out. This is possibly because Jamie cannot be taken seriously, as he’s wearing a sparkly necklace that looks like something Dame Edna Everage might hang her glasses on. Julius squares up to Harry, who has the audacity to say ‘the chemistry between you guys seems incredibly unnatural’. ‘You are an incredibly arrogant man,’ Julius hisses. For the first time in ages, he’s said something we can all agree with.
Hero of the week
It’s tempting to give it to JP, but I REFUSE to reward a man for being ‘a good Dad’ when he is simply turning up to things and being kind to the mother of his child, which really should be the bare minimum. So let’s give it to Sam Prince, who did not appear to spill a single drop of that coffee.
Villain of the week
It has to be Harry, even though we suspect he has studied every single episode of MIC and made a diagram of the worst things Spencer Matthews ever did, simply to acquire this title, and we’re probably playing straight into his hands. I would not touch Harry with a 20ft pole, not for all the diamonds Mimi may or may not have attempted to sneak into the bottom of her handbag.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.