Sam sets the tone for the episode when his boss and father in law Clive asks him if he had a good time in Mauritius, and he simply bares his teeth and looks dead behind the eyes. We might be back in one of the most exclusive areas of South West London, but this could all be unfolding far North of the river, in Harrow, because it is Harrow. Ing. Sam gets told off for looking scruffy and then made to pull pints behind the bar, which suggests that Tiff has told her Daddy all about what happened on hols.
We learn that Louise has been on a night out that ended after seven am, when she lost all her stuff and had to cry her way onto a bus. She’s surprisingly sensible - I would have expected her to have leapt in front of the first Prius she saw, screaming ‘Take me home! You’re an Uber, right?’. Mytton is keen to imply that Ryan is about to put her under house arrest, but Louise will not be drawn. Thoughtful Stephanie has ordered her some fruit, to be healthy. The fruit lies on a bed of vanilla custard. On a cake. Ah well, custard is practically a protein shake.
Julius and Fred go and see Boulle, in order to talk about the holiday they didn’t invite him on. Julius tells him about Ella’s five date kissing rule, so Boulle says ‘Why not go on five dates in a day?’ instead of ‘Why not give her a chance to decide whether or not she likes you and then worry about kissing, you big creepy weirdo?’ We learn Daisy is not Julius’ ‘cup of green tea’ and we think that expression indicates that Daisy had a lucky escape.
As Toff turns up at the bar to laugh at Sam and listen to him slagging off Tiff, Tiff is telling her girlfriends that she truly believes they can make it work. Then Daisy reveals that Sam asked her to go home with him a few weeks ago. Obviously, Sam is the worst, but he is also the most stupid. If he wants to crack onto girls when he’s in a relationship, he could go to Newcastle, or Liverpool, or America! Not the bars where everyone present has attended the same three schools. Sam is still complaining about Tiff’s desire for a serious relationship, telling Louise ‘She might as well be called Ruth.’ I don’t know if he’s saying that she’s old, or that she did an arty degree, works in publishing and has an obsessive fondness for vintage clothes shops. (The Ruths I know are all under 35.)
Ella is still five dates away from a snog with Julius, and she’s gone for a girls’ night with her friend Mimi to look at an exhibition of death masks. Boulle is there, and introduces himself by explaining that they technically aren’t death masks at all. Because everyone is already practically related to each other, mutual friends are mentioned and Fred comes up. Mimi likes Fred. In a sex way. And she makes it very clear that it doesn’t matter about Liv - he could be married to Kate Middleton - given a chance, Mimi would still drape herself on Fred’s knee and say ‘Hey big boy, bet you’ve never seen nipples like these.’
Tiff confronts Sam about Daisy, and - total power move - she has brought Daisy along. Sam screams ‘banter’ until it looks like the breath is about to leave his body, and you expect to see an oxygen mask drop down from the sky. He also claims that he slept with Daisy ’10 years ago’. When you were 14, Sam? Really? He finishes with a bit of ‘fake news’, asking ‘why are you talking about me like I’m a shit boyfriend when I’m not.’ Oh Tiff, please dump him! I will give you fifty quid if you dump him. What’s your Paypal? Sam then goes off to scream at Jamie about how unfair it all is. Biscuits says it’s quite fair and that Sam is being a little shit, so Sam screams some more.
Mimi gets the chance to make her move when she bumps into Fred at a restaurant, and Liv is running late. ‘I. WAS. NOT. EXPECTING. TO. SEE. YOU. HERE,’ lies Fred, although I suspect that his awkwardness isn’t because he feels guilty, but because they’d already tried to shoot the scene in three different restaurants. Mimi is about to get on all fours and start rubbing herself against his leg when Liv walks in and knows something is amiss. There’s something about Mimi that makes a person want to see her chased away with a broom.
Sam, always keen to set new bellend goals for himself, has demanded to meet Tiff on the Chelsea Bridge and confronted her with a holdall of her stuff. Tiff acquits herself magnificently. (‘So you tell someone you want to fuck them and I’ve got to BUY YOU AN OWL???’) and points out that it’s not weird or clingy to love someone and want to build a future with them. ‘She has emotions, she wants to have a future with someone, fuck, she is so lame!’ she says, sarkily. Dump him now! I’ll make it £75…
Julius and Ella have a predictable snog on their second ‘date’, prosecco on a park bench. We assume that the first date, the tandem bike ride, went so badly that it was unfilmable. Also, Ella has clearly forgotten her five date rule. She looks so confused when Julius mentions the number that you think she might reply ‘gold rings?’
Because nothing brings drama like bad timing, Sam is putting on a party for Clive, even though he’s one banter claim away from a P45. We learn that Louise had to give him the holdall for Tiff’s things because he was going to turn up with a bin bag. Mimi walks past and greets Fred, subtle as the aubergine emoji, and Liv confronts her. Mimi repeats, ad nauseum, that she has ‘a flirty personality’ and claims Fred has been flirting with her. ‘ARE YOU SURE HE WASN’T JUST BEING POLITE?’ asks a thunderous Liv, and as she tries to leave, shouts ‘NO. YOU STAY HERE.’ I’m starting to love Liv a lot - I think she might grow up and become Helen Mirren. It turns out that Fred did send a message about Mimi. His days are numbered. And poor Daisy is very upset that she’s not Julius’ cup of green tea after all. ‘I feel like a rotten egg’. Yes, if you want to convince someone that you’re sexy and attractive, that’s the perfect expression to use. Well done everyone!
Hero of the week
This time it goes to Tiff for being vocal about what she wants, and strong and smart enough to challenge the ‘cool girl’ concept. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married. Now just DUMP SAM! For £100?
Villain of the week
There is a special place in hell for people who know that the people they fancy are in relationships and then merrily crack onto them anyway. Mimi, stoppit. There are plenty of men in the world who are actually available. Sam may well be single soon…
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.