This is a controversial point to start on, but you could argue that if Western civilisation as we know it is built on one principal, it is the rhetorical whine of ‘Why can’t we have nice things?!’ This whine is about to build to a scream pitched to a point that can barely be detected by adult humans. That’s right - the Made In Chelsea's are going to Mauritius!
The opening montage screams luxury, privilege and ‘fancy eighties conference venue promotional video’, featuring Fred clinging to the mane of a careening horse (we know he’s having fun because we can see the whites of his eyes!) and Jamie playing ping pong, possibly for his life. The level of focus is set to ‘Constipation’. On the subject of sounds only dogs can hear, Liv is kvetching about the supercharged soprano chatterbox Daisy, and explaining to a grumpy Tiff that she only invited arch nemesis Ella on the trip to distract Julius, in the way that one might throw a ball into a muddy river for their labrador, to stop it from being tempted by fox poo. Tiff looks as though she’d quite like to throw Ella and Liv into a river of poo.
We go back to Chelsea, with plenty of lingering shots of leafless branches, frosty car bonnets and people scrabbling for coal in the snow with their bare hands. Mytton and JP are in the park with big beefy James, discussing Ryan’s obsessive jealousy and JP’s imminent babydaddydom. JP explains that they’re having an ‘is it a boy, is it a girl?’ party - he either means that it’s a gender reveal event, or that they’re coming together to sing misheard Avril Lavigne lyrics. Binky is being groomed by Mark Francis, who claims that the chicest thing to do with a baby bump is to distract people from it with ‘lots of hats’. He’s anxious to surround the baby with culture. ‘When it comes out, I’m not going to have Mozart ly…’ protests Binky, before pausing and remembering that Mozart didn’t write any words to his sonatas.
In Mauritius, everyone is sightly sunburned and spoiling for fights. Liv tells Tiff that Sam apologised to Ella on her behalf, possibly to make Tiff forget that it’s Liv’s fault Ella is there at all, and possibly because she knows that doubling down on the feud action might mean she has more supporters in her battle against Daisy. Sam and Tiff have a fight, which ends with Sam muttering ‘I won’t say sorry! You know how stubborn I am.’ He couldn’t be more of a teenager if he smelled of aftershave samples that he’d rubbed on himself from the pages of a magazine.
The boys are competing to see who can unbutton the shirts the lowest without flashing any moob, and Daisy is on a mission, squeakily sliding up to ‘JOOOOOOO-LEEEE-USSSS!’ and playing with her hair so aggressively that there’s a real risk she’ll give herself rope burn. Ella turns up and sighs about the loveliness of the house. ‘We could be in France!’ Obviously, she needs a brusque history lesson about the French Colonial Empire, but who finds themselves in a tropical island paradise and decides they like it because it reminds them of somewhere they could visit on a P&O ferry? There’s a queasy, flirty moment where Julius is clearly mentally playing Eenie Meanie Miny Mo with the girls, and Daisy sort of accidentally implies that she might be down for a threesome if it was the way to win his heart.
Even more awkwardly, Jamie is cheerfully telling Frankie and Liv that Sam has said he ‘would date’ Ella. You wouldn’t burn someone’s house down for fun, or have a wee in the middle of their favourite rug - so why does Biscuits insist on regularly doing the emotional equivalent? Clearly at the moment Sam is to being a boyfriend what being in Take That is to paying tax, but Jamie could help out by shutting up, instead of being an active saboteur. Still, Sam is playing the same game, determined to make Liv and Daisy ‘converse’, adding ‘I want to know what it’s all about!’, his eyes gleaming in a manner that can only be described as ‘fully Lannister’. We’re hoping that someone will upend a table, but Daisy starts sobbing instead. There’s much hugging, although Liv looks a little bit pissed off that the feud has ended.
Happily, Sam realises that if you want some fighting done, you might have to do it yourself. He and Jamie start rubbing Tiff the wrong way, with Jamie claiming that he shared the information about Sam’s crush on Ella for ‘fun’. And here’s me thinking the most awful thing you could do in the name of ‘fun’ was Tough Mudder. There’s plenty of yelling and Sam throws a drink at Liv. Possibly when he shouted ‘SOMEONE’S HOT!’ he wasn’t alluding to Ella’s attractiveness but Liv’s basal temperature. But probably not. Go to your room.
After some cringe-inducing enforced sunscreen application, and the announcement of Tiff’s chilling five year plan (‘I want to be engaged and living with a boyfriend’. Any boyfriend? One you’ve actually met? A balloon that has been squirted with Hugo Boss and topped with a Harry Styles wig?) we’re back in Chelsea, where JP is sweetly cooperating with Ollie about his ambitious plans for a baby reveal piñata. ‘I was hoping we could do something more elegant than…hitting it?’ suggests Binky, as Ollie thoughtfully chews an entire children's’ party worth of sugary innards.
Ollie then outlines his plan for a Game Of Thrones theme with piñata puncturing swords. Happily, the day passes without a single bloodied sheepskin - the gang assembles, they’re showered with pink confetti and we learn that they’re having a girl. Hooray for Binky and JP! (Also, Steph has a lovely frock on, if anyone knows where it’s from, get in touch!)
Only Ryan is determined to ruin proceedings by squaring up to James and threatening him with dialogue that appears to have written by some GCSE drama students who have just decided their favourite film is Snatch. ‘DO YOU THINK I’M THREATENED BY YOU?’ he yells. He makes Brian Blessed sound like a librarian. ‘If you keep doing this, you’re going to ruin it for yourself,’ replies James mildly. Ryan strops off muttering, presumably to go and kick a bin.
Still, there’s even more trouble back in paradise. The gang are watching traditional dancing, and hearts are in mouths across the land, lest everything go a bit Douglas Carswell. Julius finally cracks onto Ella, and he’s a little bit Hugh Grant, a lot Huge Weirdo. He tries to extract a compliment out of Ella with the tenacity of a blackhead suction pump. When Ella finally tells him she likes his voice, instead of saying ‘thank you’ like a normal person, he screeches ‘singing or speaking?’ We also learn that Ella won’t kiss until the fifth date, but she will get naked in the sea with someone she doesn’t know very well. Tiff and Sam have a gloomy set to - it feels as though they’ve been miserably married for twenty years, since this episode started. It ends with Sam saying ‘I’m not where you are’ - you’re both on holiday in the same country, you silly billy!
Hero of the week
A joint award for Daisy and Liv, and their renewed friendship. Happy tears are a rare and precious commodity in the Chelsea universe.
Villain of the week
There’s tough competition but it has to go to weird, possessive, sexist Ryan for continually mistaking the act of ‘going out with a human lady’ with ‘owning a very expensive car and having to scare off teenage joyriders’.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.