It’s hard not to hate someone a tiny bit when they’ve just got back from Mauritius - and it’s harder when they do a Binky and complain that their thighs rub together when they walk. ‘I have no chin!’ wails Binks, and I have no sympathy - I just want to rush up to her with a Sharpie and write ‘CHIN!’ underneath her bottom lip, in mirror writing, so she can see how ridiculous she’s being every time she sees her reflection in a shop window. JP reveals that he’s still a bit freaked out by the idea of shaking up with Binky, even though Ryan points out ‘You’re having a baby, bud!’ In JP’s world, making and raising a tiny human with another person is fine, but sharing a bathroom with that person is a commitment too far! Dude, Binky doesn’t own nearly as much protein as Ryan, there is nothing to be afraid of.
Mark Francis announces his plans to showcase his new menswear collection. ‘I hate models, I find them cheap!’ he huffs, before announcing that he plans to enlist JP, who is free, which is even better. Harry sulks into a Bloody Mary, claiming ‘I’ve had enough abuse’ after Biscuits screamed at him for touching Frankie’s bum. No, Harry, you could have Katie Price and Peter Andre singing A Whole New World through your letterbox every single day, for eight hours, and you still wouldn’t have had enough abuse. Daisy has gossip - she saw Jamie ‘get with’ a girl in a member’s bar. So she watched them for ten minutes, took photos and sent them to Liv. Liv confronted Biscuits, and he ‘denied it’. Heaven help us all if Jamie ever decides to go into politics. Everyone concludes that the picture is ‘a bit grainy’, but kindly Daisy says ‘I’m happy to give a blow by blow account of what I saw’. Daisy is so happy to ‘help’ that she’ll probably set up a Facebook Live stream to broadcast the confrontation. She’s the sort of person who revels in conflict but pretends she’s just being civic minded - if she wasn’t on MIC she’d be nicking people’s bins just to teach them a lesson for leaving them out after the collection has happened.
Elsewhere Jamie is defending himself to Frankie, claiming Daisy is ‘literally just toxic’ and that he was having a nice time with his oldest friends-who-are-girls. Frankie wants to believe him, but she’s slightly skeptical. ‘You say they’re your best girlfriends. It’s weird that we’ve been going out for a year and I’ve never met them.’ Frankie, keep listening to that voice. It’s your only friend right now.
Sam Prince and Toff have an adorable date, although Toff is stressing an ‘understanding’ that ‘we don’t tell people your age’ lest we forget that Sam is technically a teenager and can’t drink in America or rent a car. Ella and, oddly, Mimi, are having tea with Julius and his Mum, and enjoying a token ‘it feels so good to get out of London’ break. Mimi and Mummy Julius want to know if the couple are ‘exclusive’, and they get very coy. EVEN THOUGH we’ve just sat through weeks of very tense, awkward drama based on the fact that they were furious about the other one breaching the exclusivity. Surely they’ve been ‘exclusive’ since their names were circled in Biro during the series 13 production meeting?
Daisy meets Frankie and tells her exactly what Jamie did - and Jamie turns up after Daisy leaves and shares some mind-bending insights about how the most effective fibbers are brilliant at lying to themselves first. ‘I swear to you on my life that I did not get with a girl at the bar. I can’t say I didn’t peck someone on the lips. Anyway, why isn’t there a video? Why isn’t there? Why?’ Well, probably because if there was, Biscuits would say that Daisy has been spying on him while he rehearsed for a play…
JP, Ryan and Sam Prince turn up to try on some of Mark Francis’ clothes, and Julius lets Liv kit him out at the vomitously named Cad & Dandy. (Perhaps all of the clothes come with elastic panels to accommodate the sort of body that eats a lot of cake at Scoff & Banter.) Liv forces Julius to admit he still ‘has reservations’ about Ella, then yaps ‘SHE’S BROKEN YOUR TRUST ON THREE SEPARATE OCCASIONS! WITH THE SAME GUY!’ Olivia Bentley, that guy has been on poor Ella like a hyena on a dead gazelle and you know it. Because he’s been on you, too. Jamie refuses to come out with Mytton and Sam, and grizzles ‘even my mates aren’t supporting me.’ Jamie, if you want the sort of friends who will look at photographic evidence of you doing a bad thing, and swear to everyone that you didn’t do it, you will have to become pals with some dodgy lawyers. Mytton has a pretty compelling theory that Biscuits is doing all of this because he’s desperate to be dumped. He also appears to have a brand new earring. It’s a little bit Coachella, and a little bit QVC Copper Hour. Liv also offers this idea to Frankie (the toxic relationship one, not home shopping jewellery.) ‘You manage to convince yourself that Jamie is telling the truth, because you’re in love with him.’ He should have a sign around his neck, like an old-timey leper’s bell, that reads ‘DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH ME, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER MY PENIS!’ Maybe a bell on his bellend, to boot.
The gang go off to a festival of vintage cars, which is surprisingly sparsely attended - we don’t see much in the way of cars or other human beings. Liv gives Ella an earful about not cheating on Julius which sounds like an audition piece from The Scarlet Letter. I’m convinced that I hear her say ‘I’m Goody Bentley, and if you ever look at another man ever again, the village elders will drown you in the old Fulham well.’ Frankie, Jamie and Daisy have another confrontation which ends in Jamie shouting ‘what you saw is not what actually happened’. Calm down, Derren Brown.
Julius finally sees sense and tells Ella that he’s just realised that if he doesn’t stop obsessing about what happened with Harry, he’s going to lose her. ‘I want you to be my girlfriend. You have no say in the matter.’ JULIUS! Why did you have to ruin a tender, romantic moment with something that sounds so creepy and wrong! THERE IS NOTHING LOVING ABOUT DENYING A WOMAN HER AUTONOMY! Still, that’s wiped the smirk right off Julius’ stupid face.
Jamie has a little cry on a car bonnet, and sobs furiously all over Mytton and Sam. ‘I don’t want people to think this is Frankie’s fault.’ Dude, I promise that’s the very last thing that anyone will think. However, that gives an amazing insight into Jamie's Opposite Land mind, where kissing isn’t cheating, day is night and a photo that appears to show someone getting off with a woman who isn’t girlfriend could actually be a picture of a man saving orphans from a fire while petting some stray dogs.
Hero of the week
Let’s give it to Sam Prince, for being so good natured about the bossy and baffling demands from Toff and Mark Francis, and for showing the viewing public that you can be 19, polite, kind and good at knowing your way around a cake shop.
Villain of the week
It has to be Biscuits for doing his most vivid and disturbing impression of Donald Trump in the series so far. He is the undisputed king of alternative facts, and I’m genuinely surprised that he didn’t yell ‘FAKE NEWS’ at Daisy.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.