We start with a recap of the fact that the men of Chelsea are failing to acquit themselves with any kind of honour. Louise reminds us that Bad Matt more or less started humping her leg while Jess was wearing his corsage, Rosie reveals that Alik has been Skyping her at all hours to persuade her to force Louise to get back with him, and we remember that Sam is happy to sacrifice his girlfriend’s feelings on the altar of his prom king victory. Stephanie is less than sympathetic about any of this. After hissing at Rosie for trying on the wedges that are ‘so not your style’, she grandly announces that she is a ‘better person - Lucy will never grow.’ ‘Have you, erm, learned anything?’ asks Binks gently, desperate for Steph to show a shred of self awareness and demonstrate that she’s not just a self absorbed horror show with a taste in shoes to rival that of a Texan beauty pageant runner up. ‘Yeah, to stop being too nice,’ says Steph. I’m starting to wonder whether someone slipped magic mushrooms into her green juice, and she’s hallucinating a compassionate aspect to her own personality.
Bad Matt is hanging out with Biscuits and JP, completing a toxic trio of wrongness. Matt is boasting about his date with Louise, claiming ‘I gave her full reign to say no,’ which, if you think back to his persistence and her reluctance, is utterly bloody terrifying. ‘Louise is hot, I want to bone,’ he adds. Have any of the producers got an ID for Matt? Is he actually 12?
JP is still talking about Binky as if he’s a Victorian vicar and she’s a pregnant runaway, and Biscuits is still claiming that he’ll do whatever it takes to get back Frankie - skywriting! A giant heartshaped cookie! A video message from Drake! Anything in the world, apart from fidelity. Don’t be crazy.
Tiff tells Sam she’s cross about the party, and Sam seems surprised by this - but then, he also seems surprised to see his own toast emerge from the toaster. Sam goes on a big, boozy bender with Toff, who has a tiff with Tiff over her 'controlling' ways. Toff and Tiff are my faves, I’m much more interested than seeing them rebuild a friendship than I am in watching Frankie get worn down by stupid Biscuits.
Alik Skypes Rosie again, and tells her that his Dad is so sick of seeing his big mopey face that he might finance his return to London. If Alik loves Louise as much as he claims to, I’m not sure what’s stopping him from coming back under his own steam and selling leather jackets on Camden Market. Rosie goes to see Louise and make the case for love - we suspect this is mainly because she’s on the brink of throwing her laptop out of the window next time she hears the Skype tone. Louise is getting ready for her non-date with Matt, who is currently non-dumping Jess.
Jess looks stunning, like Don’t Speak era Gwen Stefani, and responds to his plea for friendship with ‘You’ve managed to get a date while on a date with me - that’s not an ideal way to start.’ Matt responds ‘I know I’ve made you look like a dick.’ No mate, that’s you - Jess is a picture of serenity. You don’t even look like a full penis, just a bellend. ‘So I think Louise might be here quite soon. You might want to go.’ I hate Matt so much that it’s invigorating. It possibly counts as cardio. And then, let joy be unconfined! Louise texts Matt to cancel, after hearing Rosie’s wise counsel! As I believe Dorothy Parker once said, AHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! In your face!
Ollie is trying to make things better for everyone by throwing a big posh party, with wine and music and candles. To Steph’s chagrin he’s inviting the Watson sisters and, more mysteriously, JP, because he doesn’t want him to feel left out. Screw JP! I wouldn’t even invite him to Dropbox to increase my storage!
Louise speaks to Alik, who still seems baffled that she has reservations and isn’t melting into his telephonic arms sobbing ‘it’s always been you’. Even though Alik comes up with tender gems like ‘I love the shit out of you.’ Toff greets Tiff with the words ‘You’re in a bit of a grump’, demonstrating the sort of tact that indicates one day, she’ll make a perfect mother in law. However she does leave Tiff and Sam alone to make it up! Hooray!
Sadly, not all reunions go as well, and Lucy and Steph have a midnight set to, wrapped in blankets. Steph is so delusional about the argument that it makes me wonder whether she still has any grip on reality, or if she doesn’t mind losing Lucy’s friendship because she can rely on her good pals Rainbow Brite and Spiderman. Biscuits successfully persuades Frankie to be his girlfriend, possibly because she knows that the series is over, and that they don’t have to actually date as they can just break up before the start of the next one. And JP tells Binky to ‘go to France as an individual, and move on!’ Binks, do it! JP cares more about the individuality of a Coke can from a multipack than he does about anyone else’s happiness. He’s bad, you’re fab, and all we want is to see you snogging a hot man, while he looks sad. Living well is the best revenge!
Villain of the series
Steph has been consistently selfish, manipulative and mean, but late arrival Matt, the adult man who thinks with his penis, is a strong contender! I don’t want him worrying the women of Chelsea any more. Can his agent get him on Love Island, or does he not have enough tattoos?
Hero of the series
Jess has been kind, honest, and a good friend. Toff has done very well on the job front. Rosie has been hugely supportive of her pals, and worn some excellent outfits. And Binky has been through hell, and we generally adore her. Ladies, your certificates are in the post!
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Made In Chelsea 11.9 JP Is Controlling, Jess And Matt Are Rolling And Toff Is Enrolling
Made In Chelsea 11.8 Biscuits’ Sexual Habits Are Minging And Steph Seeks Gay Men For Mingling**
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.