Question: Tell me, how do you feel about a fancy equestrian country club which is run by people who suffer from such imaginative paucity that they name their establishment ‘Horse Country Club’? I long to meet them, and their male children, Boy 1 and Boy 2, and stroke their pets Dog and Cat. However, all I get from my visit to Horse Country Club in this week's Episode ofMade In Chelsea Ibiza is the chance to see Sam and Mimi going in for a snog while tugging on a bridle. What a swizz!
Elsewhere, Sam Prince is having an odd massage. ‘There’s…ash…falling on my…bod,’ he complains, worriedly. Off camera, a lady in a white smock counts a pile of 50 euro notes and smirks. We learn that Sam Prince once went on a silent retreat with a guru named Muji. ‘We Snapchat occasionally,’ he explains - presumably whenever Muji has a few Perspex desk organisers to shift. Mytton laddily congratulates Sam Prince for ‘doing the good thing and coming clean’ with Toff. Liv points out that a little more cleanliness, bed sheet wise, would not have gone amiss.
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Elsewhere Victoria is telling Toff the same thing, and urging her not to have anything more to do with Sam Prince. Let’s be real, for a second - ‘DID HE CHANGE THE SHEETS?’ is a very odd thing to ask, in the circumstances, unless someone, a producer, say, is feeding you lines through an earpiece. Odder still is Victoria’s insistence that she hasn’t been keeping up with Toff’s life because she’s been ‘very busy’. Doing what?! Tweaking Nicky Haslam’s nipples at a secret Pacha foam party? Downloading Drag Lace using painfully slow hotel wifi? Hanging about at the airport, waiting for the Stansted flight to get in, then saying mean things about everyone’s hats? Harry and Emily’s bad romance continues apace, with Harry saying that Emily was right to cut Frankie out of her life. ‘She’s not a good friend to you.’ Oh, E4, can we PLEASE have a Hollyoaks style helpline announcement at the end of the episode, explaining that this is how abuse starts and if your boyfriend wants to separate you from your friends, please call this number? The only people having a nice, sexy time are Sam and Mimi, who are doing some romantic stargazing. ‘Do you know astrology?’ asks Mimi, dreamily, only for Sam to gesture at the sky and mutter ‘What do you think this is?’ That’s astronomy, Sam. N for numpty.
Mytton, who mugging for screen time harder than a middle aged man in the* Question Time*weaty topless pictures of himself, while jogging. If you see these photos on Tinder please send me a screenshot. Mytton implies that Liv hasn’t been sufficiently grateful for this favour, Liv reacts as though she’s just encountered a follower of Charles Manson who has suggested that they go for a Nando’s.
Louise and Ryan turn up, ostensibly for fun, but actually to make things super awkward for Sam. Other Sam tries to make friends with Toff again, by saying, creepily ‘I just want to make you smile again! Can you smile once?’ If you’ve ever been going about your business in SW6 and been bothered by some douche cloth yelling ‘CHEER UP LOVE!’ it was almost certainly Other Sam. Mimi tells the girls that she has slept with Original Sam, in a way so expositional it is painful. ‘Hey! You know your best mate’s boyfriend? Well, we had sexy sex! And it felt so good!’ Poor Mimi, the sacrificial sex lamb of the Ibiza plot. For her pains, she is drowned out by Emily who is furious that Frankie has been flirting with Harry Baron. Now, we can understand why Emily is furious, but why is Frankie’s flirting only ever reported, and never seen on camera? Urghhh, what wouldn’t we give for Poirot to pop up in Ibiza and look into it…
Liv’s date goes badly, when Sam claims she looks ‘a few years older’ than 22. He also turns up wearing a peculiar pashmina that looks as though he found it at the very bottom of the BA lost property cupboard. Louise, doing a cracking job as the token grown up, reminds Sam that ‘new relationships are really exciting at the beginning, but how long does that last for?’ Sam tells her that he’d more or less forgotten the future was a thing that will definitely become the present. Dude! Did the stars not tell you? Mimi courageously introduces herself to Louise - although it’s part bravery, part lunacy, as she’s clearly convinced herself that she will supplant Tiff as the sister Louise never had. Mimi bays for sympathy. ‘When I think about [Tiff] I have to block it out because I feel awful! It’s so tough!’ Oh, your feelings hurt, Mimi? Ah, in that case, just do whatever you like! Louise is cutting, but final. ‘I don’t think you’re going to end up together.’ YES THOMPSON!
Sam Prince, or Other Sam, comes to Victoria to sing for absolution. She accuses him of waxing his chest. I am working on a conspiracy theory that Victoria is the co-conspirator in all of this, and she filthed up the dirty sex sheets while gripping onto Other Sam’s hairless chest and screamed ‘TAKE ME UP THE SERPENTINE, YOU EXCESSIVELY SMOOTH BASTARD!’ And Emily accuses Frankie and Harry Baron of being ‘a pair of fucking dark wrong’uns’ and Harry smirks as though he’s a Sixth Former who has been caught with a spliff and is being forced to watch his French teacher perform a skit called ‘WHY ALL DRUGS WILL KILL YOU AND RUIN YOUR FAMILY.’ Emily might have more luck if she was wearing more serious swimwear. If I was going to confront my friends, I’d want something sombre, like a black or navy one piece. Emily is wearing a cheerful bikini adorned with multicoloured tassels, clearly designed to go with a sombrero and not an epically sulky face.
Hero of the week
It’s got to be Louise! Hooray for Louise! Yes, she’s interfering a bit. Yes, it was a bit mad of her and Ryan to turn up on the off chance that there would definitely be room for her in the villa, and there was a risk that they’d have to go and stay in some coin operated air con hole in San Antonio. Yes, there are many unanswered questions about how Ryan’s many protein powders got through security. But she believes in Love, and more importantly, in Taking Responsibility For Your Actions.
Villain of the week
Sam Prince. Yeah, Toff might have forgiven him, but we don’t have to. He’s just really getting on my tits.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.