The trouble with Chelsea is that when you see a group of people by a river, you automatically worry that they’re about to have an emotionally devastating experience. However, sometimes they are just going for a run. So it is when Louise and Rosie go for a healthful jog along the Embankment, Louise in a sophisticated short-shorts and socks ensemble that is undoubtedly the height of chic, but to the untrained eye looks like she’s forgotten her kit and is being forced to do PE in her pants. They bump into Mytton, who immediately brings up Steph, only to talk about how much he doesn’t want to date her. “It’s a menial thing,” he explains, indicating that either he doesn’t know how words work and what they mean, or he saw Stephanie mopping a floor once and it put him right off.
Elsewhere the bois play golf, celebrating their athletic prowess by downing a flute of champagne every time someone clutches a club. JP declares his love to Binky to anyone who’ll listen. Remember this moment, because the Crazy In Love vibe will inevitably go a bit Lemonade before we’ve seen a second advert for Boohoo.com
Victoria, wearing a peculiarly pom-pommed riding hat which looks like she’s balanced a rotting meringue on top of a balaclava, is in full and judgemental flow after Toff reveals pictures that show Sam cavorting with some partially dressed women. He has his hand near someone’s crotch - maybe she was helping her after her knickers went up her bum? Although it’s hard to tell whether she’s wearing any underwear at all. Tiff seems happy to write it all off as the inevitable consequences of a boy’s night out, even though everyone is wildly angry on her behalf. It’s like watching a gang of Jeremy Kyles attempting to stir up a studio guest who uses a lot of tranquillisers.
I’m pretty sure it’s morally wrong to body shame a dog, but Digby has become unignorably fat. Lucy insists on carrying him everywhere, even though he’s now probably slightly heavier than she is. Lucy is furious that Steph has been telling tales and claiming she’s unhappy in her relationship, and elsewhere Steph is moaning ‘I feel like I’m on a witch hunt,’ which is ludicrous. The witches don’t get to go on the hunt, in fact they don’t know about it until they open their curtains and see a load of pitchfork wielding maniacs on their lawn. ‘I just don’t want to fall out over a disagreement,’ she breathes, poking herself hard in the eye until she manages to produce a single tear.
The improbably named Jessica Molly is out on a double date with Tiff, Sam and Jamie Biscuits. ‘So you're the mysterious friend. What makes you so mysterious. How do you describe yourself?’ asks Biscuits. Has he just come from doing some work experience interviewing boy bands for a teen mag? Biscuits’ bad chat is quickly derailed by Sam, who claims that Tiff is angry about the dodgy pictures because Lucy has been stirring things up. Tiff stares miserably into the middle distance, possibly trying to remember whether she’s allergic to oysters and whether she can order a seafood platter, throw up on Sam and distract him from his rant.
Biscuits wants to see more of Jessica Molly, so he decides to invite her on a dinner date. As a party host. With absolutely everyone he knows. This is not good news for Livvy, Rosie, Louise or humanity in general. Everyone who met Jessica M at Mytton’s ‘DJ’ event seems deeply unimpressed by her. ‘There's shy, and then there's rude. If you're so shy and you don't want to speak to anyone, why are you here?’ snipes Rosie, as Livvy complains ‘She’s irrelevant to my life.’ Yes, because when you don’t care about someone at all, it’s normal to talk about them all the time on telly.
Nicola turns up to ask ‘Are you enjoying the girls’ night out?’ which is a totally normal, unscripted thing to say, before revealing that Mytton is on his way over for a chat. When a woman interrupts a boy’s night she’s an unspeakably clingy harridan, but when a man interrupts girls’ night, he’s obviously about to make an announcement of deep significance and must be listened to! Mytton shows, and explains about the Steph issue. Poor Nicola does her very best to make a big deal out of how very deceived she feels, but you can tell that her heart’s not in it, and really she’s just desperate to be in an Uber and on the way to her strangely sterile bedroom.
We learn that Ollie is delighted for Binky’s romantic progress, and that Binky is confident she could eat a whole duck. Nicola confronts Steph, who is so desperate to seem soft and loveable that she has dressed as a bear who is going for a job interview to be a dinner lady. Steph denies that she’s ever claimed she makes Mytton blush, even though it’s on film and 4OD and my own stupid BT Vision box which manages to delete everything I ever try to record on it and yet magically kept that. Nicola gives up pretending to be interested in her own love life and moves on to the gossip of the day. ‘You have bigger issues. Lucy is fuming. I don't know what the hell you did!’ Binky, talking to Lucy, reckons Steph doesn’t know either. ‘Is she thick?!’ hisses Lucy.
It’s time for Biscuits’ date - the twenty person strong date, with caterers. Louise starts shouting at Steph for her unsisterly behaviour before checking herself. ‘I need to stay the fuck out of it. It's a difference of opinion.’ I want those words on a t shirt. Silly Biscuits seems to have left a naughty producer in charge of the placement, and Livvy and Jessica Molly, seated across from each other, are having a fight so big you could build a multi storey carpark on it. ‘I don’t even know your surname,’ hisses Jessica Molly, a diss I intend to bring to the table if I ever find myself in a fight with Madonna. (I think it’s Ciccone, but I’m not telling her that.) Livvy points out that it’s a weird thing to say when you’ve been to someone’s exhibition, then screams ‘SO STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT ME, YOU FREAK!’ Wish you’d just gone to Nando’s, Biscuits?
Steph and Lucy try to have it out with each other in a giant spooky vault. Lucy is still maintaining that she was only looking at wedding rings on the internet to find out how much they cost, which is about as believable as getting caught going through someone’s underwear drawer and claiming that you wanted to know whether it was made from solid wood or plastic with veneers. Steph is producing a few more tears, maybe she’s remembering the end of The Snowman or imagining that there is a global shortage on black Chanel bags. But Lucy says the friendship has ended. ‘Don’t talk about my relationship any more. Fucking bitch.’ We suspect that Steph will soon be irrelevant to her life too.
Hero of the week
No-one acquitted themselves with great grace, this time around, so let’s give it to Binky. A whole duck! This is something we would very much like to see. And eat.
Villain of the week
This goes to bloody Biscuits, or whoever was responsible for setting his dinner party table. A love of drama is no excuse for giving everyone indigestion.
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Follow Daisy on Twitter @NoTRollerGirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.