If you love love – and I love love – MIC LA is not a great space for you to rest your eyes. You might be better off watching something more heartwarming and romantic, like the uncut footage from the 1992 budget, or The Human Centipede. We’re about to witness more heartbreak than you’d see in a box of H Samuel BFF segment necklaces. Be warned, and put on a jumper with seriously absorbent sleeves.
It begins with Biscuits bitching about wanting what – and who – he can’t have. ‘Don’t do anything rash,’ advises Mytton. ‘But you’re going to, aren’t you?’ Biscuits is such a fan of being rash that he allegedly once hurled a Boots display of Sudocrem to the floor, as a protest. Someone who isn’t being rash, but might be chafing is Alik, who is wearing about seven layers while hanging out with a half-naked James and JP. Did Alik steal their clothes as an ineffectual punishment for getting Binky’s hopes up and then dashing them? Or does he just feel the cold?
Binky’s emotional temperature is plummeting, although she’s in the warming London mate embrace of her buddy Ollie Locke. HAI OLLIE! I’m too busy excitedly waving at the screen to pay too much attention, but Binky drops a bombshell – she slept with JP two days before the Bad Chat. Ollie is apoplectic – but he talks about JP in the way you’d talk about a company who was supposed to install your broadband 28 days ago and hasn’t refunded your £200.
Ollie immediately rings Gabs, who tells Louise, who spreads the news via her terrible Sony phone. An oblivious JP has dragged everyone to Universal Studios, where, for one horrible second, the viewing audience are forced to worry that Jess is about to suck off a minion. She pouts her way through a serious chat as Lucy and James tell her that she mustn’t string along Biscuits. Then JP pops up with a stick of candyfloss as big as his head. Has LA not got kale candyfloss yet? Still, JP feels it has been a successful trip ‘despite the fact that Lucy doesn’t like food, or people, or technology’. Or fun?
Biscuits apologises to Naz, explaining, ‘I don't think about other people's feelings that often, I think about my own a lot more.’ And so it was that on the 14th day of the ninth month, in the year Anno Domini 2015, Jamie Biscuits Laing achieved self awareness.
Louise can’t stop telling people that Binky and JP had sex, and complaining that returning to England is ‘a scary prospect’. Are there wolves again? Did happy slapping come back? JP, with Biscuits levels of self knowledge, tells Alik that he slept with Binky because ‘it was something I wanted to do’. ‘THEY DIDN’T WANT PEOPLE TAINTING THEIR SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP! THEY CAME TO AN AGREEMENT NOT TO SHARE IT!’ yells Alik, so that the valets at the club now know about Binky’s boning. ‘As a chick, she’s going to latch onto that [sex],’ warns Mytton. Does anyone else ever fantasise about meeting Mytton in a bar, luring him to the disabled loos and then forcing his head down an unflushed toilet?! Or just digging a big hole, filling it with poisonous snakes, covering it with leaves and putting a sign next to it that says ‘ORGY THIS WAY!’?
Alik is not done being loud. He is now on the beach playing a ukelele while Gabs improvises a song (‘Oh, we’re just sitting here…’) I scrunch my bum so hard that my buttocks will be permanently realigned. This is worse than when my friends came over before the Year 9 disco and watched my parents together in the kitchen singing Total Eclipse Of The Heart. Eventually the horror ends, and Mytton starts spreading rumours about how JP was messaging loads of girls when he was sort of seeing Binky. I’m enjoying his ‘rumour spreading’ outfit – it’s a normal white shirt, but he’s only wearing it on one arm.
Louise loses her mind and confronts JP who crumbles and wails ‘I’m so confused’ – we imagine he responds in exactly the same way when someone asks him what his Dad does. We say goodbye to Olivia, who gifts Mark Francis a beautiful shell from the ocean. Mark Francis thanks her profusely and explains he will have it cast in silver, and then serve caviar out of it. I can’t work out whether that’s the least or most LA thing I ever heard of anyone doing…
Mytton tells JP not to go after Binky. ‘We can be dicks. It's about accepting that.’ Again, the personal revelations just keep coming. May God give Mytton the grace to accept the fact that he cannot change being a MASSIVE SHITHOUSE. JP looks offended, shouts at him for rumour mongering and goes off to sulk in the sand, next to James who counsels, ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ He is truly wise, like the tag on a bag of Yogi tea, or a tapestry at your Nan’s house. Jess lets Biscuits down not very gently, and James adds ‘her loss, bro’. Wow, James! Where are you getting all this insight?! Ultimately, Lucy is the wisest of them all, saying, ‘I think it’s time to go back to Chelsea now.’ Well put.
Hero of the week
It has to be lovely Ollie! How we’ve missed him! How we like what he has done to his hair! And how grateful we are that he is looking after Binky, and sorting her out at a disastrous time. Welcome back, Ollie! We might make a celebration cake. Would that be weird? And does anyone have a good funfetti recipe?
Villain of the week
It has to be meddling Mytton, who has proved himself to be a terrible boyfriend, friend and human being. He’s left us in no doubt that it would suit his purposes if JP remained single. He’s thwarting all of Binky’s chances at happiness, which is a totally evil, villainous thing to do. He doesn’t even get an evil laugh, or a cape. Capes are too good for him.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
MIC LA 3 : THE GANG GO TO NEVADA, THE BOIS MAKE NAS’ RELATIONSHIP HARDER, AND MARK FRANCIS
MIC LA 4: TOFF IS NOT EASILY LED, JP CAN’T BE READ AND JESS AND JAMIE BISCUITS GET INTO BED
MIC LA 5: JESS IS A BIG TEASE, SALADS ARE COVERED IN CHEESE AND JP GETS A DRESSING DOWN FROM LOUISE
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.