Have you ever wondered which bird of prey Spencer sees himself as? Perhaps a falcon, because of his fondness for other people’s handcrafted gloves? It turns out that he sees parallels between his lifestyle, and that of the mighty eagle. ‘Be more like the eagle! Like me, it does what it wants, when it wants!’ he urges an understandably confused Biscuits. ‘Pick up the prey! Drop the prey in a lovely feathered nest! Then find more prey!’ Spencer, we’ve seen your nest, and there are no lovely feathers, only crispy, crackly sheets that your Mum got you from Ikea.
JP and Binky are more like swans, and their nest is full of eggs. Delicious scrambled ones, served by JP who is being so adorable that we can almost ignore his ill fitting grey pants. Almost as adorable are Jess and Toff, who are making each other scoop up rust coloured leaves for some Instagram action with nary a thought about dog poo. ‘This camera is too hi tech for me,’ moans Jess, for once not contractually obliged to use a specific brand of camera phone. Then she drops the camera and breaks it, which means she can focus on whining about Biscuits. ‘Please don’t shut me out, I miss you,’ she texts. Lisa Loeb, Jess owes you copyright money!
Richard and Ollie run into Emma, which is painful but good as Ollie is supplying Richard with ‘jokes’ for an upcoming talk. ‘Say, “the moon isn’t made out of cheese! So bad news for mice!”’ Ollie, we love you but we’ve heard of funnier concepts in adverts about how Hive is busy controlling our heating at home. However, Ollie can be eloquent when he wants to be. ‘I don’t want people who are going to go behind my back and sleep with Spencer.’ We want that on a t shirt.
Disturbingly we discover that Binky believes toothbrush sharing is akin to fellatio, germ wise, and uses a Christmas mug with her name on all year round. JP returns home to his own toothbrush and housemate Elliot, who is making some pretty bold claims about snogging Louise when she was drunk. The bois go out, Biscuits uncorks a bottle and Mytton yells ‘EPIC!’ like a competition winner on a day out at the Red Bull Flugtag, before dancing like a dog who is being tormented with a tennis ball.
Jess and Emma turn up, and Spencer winds everyone up by claiming he and Jess are good mates who used to hook up, and then asks Jess out for a ‘friendly drink’, when the most they have managed in their time together on the show is ‘nodding acquaintances’. There have been Labour Party Conference delegates who have been demonstrably more pally than Jess and Spencer. Spencer is behaving like someone who has just bought a James Bond box set to impress some bigger boys, when the closest he’s got to Fleming’s creation is playing the PC platform fish themed game James Pond: Bubble Oh Seven. Spencer is only being a fake friend to Jess to be a dick to his real friend, Jamie Biscuits.
We discover that Richard has an actual 3D printer in his house, that he claims to have invented, and there’s an amazing shot of Richard, Ollie and Toff clustered around the machine looking like the cast of a late nineties sexy sci fi teen flick. Let’s make one. We could call it Cruel Internet-tentions.
JP tells Binky about the kiss, and Binky is compassionate to the last. Louise isn’t sure whether it happened or not, but admits that she was probably hammered because ‘Elliot is so boring that I have to drink to make him interesting.’ Jess tells Toff about her weird friend date with Spencer, and Steph turns up, orders coffee ‘to go’ and sits down immediately. She’s from California! How does she not understand the concept of ‘to go’? Her home nation invented it.
Everyone finds out about the friend date and makes a weirdly big deal of it, even as Spencer sits at the restaurant saying ‘This wine is a screw top, we might as well be in the pub.’ Lucy and Steph turn up at the restaurant and tell everyone. It’s like watching one of those giant automated farmyard fertilising machines, but with gossip. Biscuits finds out at Richard’s talk and rudely drags Jess outside for a tedious chat. Richard’s robot and time travel business is much more interesting - and we’re horrified by their bad manners. Don’t walk out in the middle of your mate’s lecture, especially when he has an army of robots that he can summon at a moment’s notice.
Elliot and Louise are rude to each other, Louise ‘fesses up to Alik (who seems to have swapped his phone for an ipad mini). Alik is very upset and announces he’s going to get the next flight over. Bloody Elliot. Admittedly Louise shoudn’t go around snogging people who aren’t her boyfriend, but this sounds like Elliot’s desperate, last ditch effort to create a storyline. Did he bump into the original Sam in the pub and start to panic? And Toff asks Richard out - hooray! Richard says no. Boooo! Richard, you would be lucky to date Lovely Toff. But he’s terribly gallant about still liking Steph a lot. Awww!
Hero of the week
No-one’s acquitted themselves brilliantly, so let’s give it to JP (who has had too many goes in the other column) for being so body confident and wearing those pants!
Villain of the week
OK, it should be Louise, but we really want to give it to Elliot for being a big bad gossip. Does he even like Lou, or does he just want to stir up trouble? Our gut says something is up…
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.