Made In Chelsea 14.7: Alik Is Back, Biscuits Gives Mytton Flack And Ryan Is On The Attack!

As the Made In Chelsea trailers promised, Alik is back, and not only do Biscuits and Proudlock get to meet him at the airport, they have the chance to ride a Travelator! (Like Mariah, I strongly suspect Biscuits ‘doesn’t do stairs’). Ryan is looking for ‘an apartment and a school’ - what? Does he have a family? Are they coming too? Ah, no, I forgot that Americans will say they’re ‘in school’ even if they’re 52 and doing a weekend course in basic lawnmower maintenance.

On that theme, Ryan and Louise have gone back to school and they’re cooking. ‘It’s important for later life, when we have children,’ says Louise, earnestly. WHAT ARE YOU EATING NOW, LOUISE?! FURRY JACKETS? We are reminded that Ryan has her name on his wrist. Honestly, no-one can emphasise hard enough that this week they are crazy in love, and it’s an absolutely dreadful time for Alik to turn up.

WATCH: We Talk To Binky, Lucy And Proudlock From Made In Chelsea

Toff pops back from the jungle to eat pancakes with Frankie, Liv and Mimi, who has a sad, breakfasty bash at a dodgy single entendre about sausages. Harry’s fondness for Harry is remarked upon. Over at Sam’s, Harry and Mytton are wearing outfits that suggest they are going to bust some ghosts out of a U-bend, and Mytton has a fetching streak of white paint below his cheekbone, for some ‘accidental’ sexy bone structure emphasis. Mate, you need Barry M Strobe Cream. You can get it at Boots, it’s only six quid. Harry is happy, and Mytton is happy too. If Harry can keep Frankie away from Biscuits, Mytton will still have someone to watch Howard’s End with on a Sunday night.

Sophie has been commissioned to make a special sausage for Herman Ze German (and thank goodness Liv and Mimi aren’t around to make a joke about how sausages are actually penis shaped, did you know? Hahahahahaha!) Liv is actually having lunch with Louise, enjoying a long, laboured conversation about how utterly brilliantly everything is going with Ryan, when, whaddya know?! IT’S ALIK! HE PROBABLY GOT OFF THE TUBE AT GREEN PARK, BECAUSE YOU HEAR HIM A GOOD TWO MILES BEFORE YOU SEE HIM! Alik makes a joke about Louise’s denim joker which is supposed to suggest closeness and intimacy, but really just makes him sound like a bit of a dick. When Ryan joins them, after Alik is long gone, he is not best pleased. ‘We get to this sweet place and then this obstacle pops out of nowhere,’ he complains. Well, not quite nowhere, Ryan. Couldn’t you hear him shouting from the airport?

Mytton tells Biscuits about Harry and Frankie, and Biscuits says ‘Ah, well, I saw it coming, Frankie and I really do need to break it off for good, I wish them both love and luck.’ Kidding! Biscuits behaves as though he’s just got back from holiday to a foot of standing water and a note from a neighbour saying ‘broke your toilet. Soz!’ Harry, unaware, is on a double date with Frankie, Liv and Digby. ‘Look at the dress you have on, or should I say, underwear!’ says Liv, who is especially elbows out, WAHEY, sexy sex, aren’t we naughty?! this episode. Maybe she binged watched the second series of SATC, or went to a hen party with a feisty divorced aunt.

Also, Frankie’s dress has long sleeves. Show me a bra with sleeves and I shall wear it gleefully, but I don’t think it’s a common thing. Harry talks sincerely about how much he likes Frankie, which is adorable, but I worry that the waitstaff are afraid to approach mid flow and he’s keeping everyone from their pudding.

Ryan tells Sam that he’s never been a fan of anyone’s ex, ever since his ex got back together with her ex. Ryan, in Chelsea, everyone’s an ex. It’s sort of the point. Everyone goes off to an unconvincing gig, the sort planned and attended by people whose only experience of live music is based on something they saw in a phone advert. Toff, bless her, has popped back from the jungle again, wearing a hat indoors to keep her head warm because she’s used to those balmy Australian temperatures.

Alik is there with the boys, and does quite a cruel impression of Louise being surprised by his return, before Biscuits tells him about Louise and Ryan’s sex drought. Traitor! Alik goes off to introduce himself to Ryan. ‘I hope he doesn’t act all jealous and weak, when I see that weakness I poke and poke and poke, it’s just my personality,’ he says, giving us all a sort of COMING ATTRACTIONS preview of the conversation he’s about to have. Alik, if being a horrible, obnoxious bastard is your ‘personality’, maybe organise some intensive therapy and spend a few months working through this before you inflict yourself on anyone else! But no! He’s getting stuck in!

‘HELLO RYAN, HOW ARE YOU?’ yells Alik, who has mutated into a hybrid of Stanley Kubrick and Barry Scott. Now, to be fair, Ryan should have simply smiled, pulled Louise a little closer and said ‘VERY GOOD ALIK, HOW ARE YOU?’ but he bristles and gets grumpy because Alik reveals his insider knowledge of Louise’s wardrobe space. To be fair, that is an odd and emphatically territorial thing to do. ‘There’s no space for you in Louise’s life,’ he says, which is the sort of line that’s so camp it ought to cause a person to sprout enormous diamante chandelier earrings from their lobes, when uttered.

‘Why are you so angry, why are you so angry, WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY? YOU’RE A BIG ANGRY BEAR!’ yells Alik, so Ryan pushes him backwards, and a glass smashes behind him. Hmmm. We’re not in drink flinging land any more, Toto.

The next day, Ryan is rightly ashamed. ‘I didn’t handle it well. There’s no excuse for what I did.’ Alik is painting a traumatised looking landscape in the park, telling Proudlock and Biscuits that the incident ‘came out of nowhere. It takes a man and an adult to be confident in his relationships.’ But then, surely it takes a sociopath to turn up to a club and shout at your ex’s boyfriend until he snaps…

Liv takes Digby to tea with Mummy and Daddy Bentley, enthusiastically telling them ‘the sex is great’, which is a bit much from a woman who, two scenes ago, was voicing her horror because Harry Baron dared to share his emotions at the dinner table. Biscuits shouts at Frankie for dating Harry, who speaks for all of us when she shouts back ‘Did you care about how I was feeling when you broke up with me and went out every night. No! So why should I? You literally threw me away again, you change your fucking tune every week!’ I think Frankie might be my favourite. Louise and Alik have a terse chat in the park - possibly the same one Alik was painting in, where he says neutral, normal things like ‘You destroyed me, I offered you my friendship!’ and ‘You still have no discipline, you can’t control your anger!’ Louise, you are well out of this one. Can we persuade Alik to find a nice art course in the Outer Hebrides?

Hero of the week

Hooray for Frankie for refusing to countenance Biscuit’s nonsense, with a special mention for Fred who gracefully bowed out of his unromantic relationship with Sophie, having deduced her lack of interest from her body language. Lads! It’s not hard.

Villain of the week

Was there ever any doubt? THIS GOES TO ALIK, WHO HAS SHOUTILY RETURNED TO HIS EX’S HOME CITY AND IS PUTTING MORE ENERGY INTO WRECKING HER LIFE THAN HE’S USING TO GET INTO ART SCHOOL, AND HE DIDN’T EVEN BRING HER A GIANT BAG OF PEANUT BUTTER M&MS FROM JFK

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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.