You might think that Fred’s surprise violin virtuosity has come about simply because the producers needed a vaguely believable plot device to get Fred and Liv to Vienna. Not so. Fred’s violin skills have been brought to the table in order to allow Boulle to make an hilarious joke about how much his fingering has improved since school. Pass the maple syrup, I’m having a ROFL! Boulle has a strong and subtle tip for getting Fred to ask Liv about going steady. ‘I think you should go up to her at the end and say “What did my girlfriend think of my violin recital?”’ Come on Boulle, we’ve all seen enough movies to know that this will end badly, and weirdly, and Liv will end up spending the duration of the trip pretending to be Fred’s sister. Liv invites Tiff along, who suggests she can be Liv’s ‘wing woman’ - I don’t think that’s the right word when you’ve already pulled. Unless Liv wants to look for other sources of Viennese sausage.
Louise is training on Ryan in the park, and watching them snog mid sit up is enough to make a girl want to listen to a couple doing horrid slurpy kissing on the train, as a palate cleanser. Ollie is similarly horrified, and delivers a masterclass in passive aggression via Bear the puppy (‘who’s being inappropriate in the park? They is!’) Ollie is on his way to meet Steph, and accidentally teaches her the word ‘coitus’. Cannot wait to see how she works it into her sexting regime. Steph is shitty about the seriousness of Louise and Ryan’s relationship, claiming ‘I’ll believe it when I see it’. Mate, just walk to the other end of the park and you can see everything.
Tiff joins Toff and Sam, who are enjoying a hot chocolate (which is a delightful basis for a relationship, but also makes me want to find them a leaflet that documents the risks of diabetes). Tiff has literally just had brunch with Liv, who has literally invited her to Vienna. I have, like, no business being cruel about a, like, verbal tic, so I’m literally going to take a deep breath and leave her be. Although I would love to see what a figurative brunch with Liv looks like. To celebrate their new friendship, Tiff invites Toff. Jess is going to be upset, and that’s not a metaphor. So Liv and Fred’s big romantic trip will feature Tiff, Toff, Boulle and Julius. Get Mytton a plane ticket and you’ve got yourself an orgy!
Mytton is devoting himself to an orgy of stirring instead, telling Jess about the trip and pouring petrol on her friendship fears. If this turns out to be his pernicious, cruel, interfering way of isolating Jess so that she feels all alone and ends up sleeping with him, I want to make sure that he goes on some kind of register. Biscuits adds that the girls are ‘hopscotching’, a description he does not embellish. I suspect it’s a posh, political flip flop - the sort of vacillating a person can only do if they had to wear a £200 blue serge coat to school. Unaware, the hopscotchers arrive in Vienna, and it’s very, very nice. ‘The people are really friendly,’ says Tiff in disbelief, while wearing the slightly shocked expression of a person who is starting to regret voting for Brexit. Still, she literally wouldn’t have come if she knew that Julius would be in attendance. It’s fair enough, although it’s a bit much to complain to Liv, as Julius is more or less her adoptive brother.
Steph turns up at the gym and flashes her tits at Ryan. Kidding! Just. ‘Do you live together? She does say she’s going to move in with all her boyfriends,’ she giggles. She is one flirt away from saying ‘Ryan, will you help me do more reps on my eyelids?’ and fluttering her lashes until they fall out. If I ever have to watch snakey Steph doing sit ups on Ryan’s penis, I’m bathing in bleach and giving away the telly. There are eleventy thousand trainers in London - hell, probably in Steph’s specific postcode - and I’m sure one or two would be down for some extracurricular sexy times. Leave Ryan be!
Vienna continues to be magical, and Fred proves himself to be such a brilliant violinist that he can play without looking, with ropes of luscious blonde hair trailing in his eyes. He’s about to ask Liv the big question at the end, until a sweet but hammered Toff cock blocks and makes amends with Liv about the Boulle debacle. ‘I don’t hold grudges’ both women trill, despite hours of recorded telly that say otherwise. Still, as Toff says ‘It’s so much nicer when everyone is friends.’ Also, we need to talk about Fred’s German - ‘danke schön, Meinen Freund’ is not what you’d normally say to the person who just handed you a glass of champagne, unless you’re on the Year 8 German exchange and you’re in the class play.
In London, Akin enjoys a watermelon daquiri - it’s tantalising and refreshing!’ - and Mytton continues to stir the casserole of cattiness, demanding Jess look at a ‘lovely pic’ of the others in Vienna. Dude, proper friends would shatter their own phone screen before letting their mates see a group photo of the girls who excluded them. Julius is on at Tiff like a woman in her late twenties with a pair of tweezers would get on an ingrown hair. He’s going to extract an apology from Sam, and it’s going to be dark, painful and packed with pus. Loyal Tiff is having none of it, and she gives Sam a heads up. Even Julius’ bellendry can’t get in the way of the balls out festive joy of the festive market. Awkwardly, unromantically, Fred asks Liv if they can ‘put a label on it’. Awwwww!
Julius has not been mellowed by the free holiday, and immediately has a go at Sam the second he sees him at a party. Sam tells him he stands by what he said, adding ‘you’re showing some ratty attributes right now. Julius’ face indicates he is not a fan of The Wind In The Willows. But Steph is quite sweet to Louise, and attempts to dispel the notion that she wants to rub her crotch against her boyfriend’s face (although I’m not wholly convinced that she doesn’t ultimately want to steal Lou’s life and wear her skin like a wetsuit) Even Toff and Jess have a big hug. It’s beginning to look a bit like Christmas!
Hero of the week
Everyone has behaved quite well this week, so I’m going to give it to Fred for being very calm about hosting five people in a foreign country and playing in a high profile recital - even though the Chelsea's mysteriously made up 95 per cent of his audience.
Villain of the week
The usually lovely Julius unveiled a belligerent streak that was unattractive and threatened to ruin Tiff’s holiday. Let’s hope we can blame it on too much glühwein.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.