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The festive season is fast approaching, and many of us will be forced to spend time with our most awkward relatives. The smelly, the screechy, and the scared-of-all-food-that-hasn’t-been-boiled for three hours. This year, the greatest gift you can give yourself is the image of JP, Akin and Sam writhing together in a horizontal line. It is a bromance brodance brodown. A fest-osterone, if you will. This soothing, disconcerting image is soothing and confusing enough to provide a valuable patch of mental solace in times of stress. It’s more fun than the consecutive visual of Fred and Liv snogging, which, for reasons I can’t quite put my finger on, reminds me of the Planet Earth snake attack.
The night ends drunkenly. We learn that JP stormed off after Binky downed her third martini and lemonade. Binky hung out with Fred and Liv - we’re sure they adored that - and the three of them obsessively called Julius at around four in the morning. Bet he enjoyed that too. Binky ‘fesses up to Rosie, who has made her breakfast. ‘Mmmm, fried eggs and salmon!’ says Rosie, because the cameras can’t capture the flat plates, and her domestic efforts deserve an audio description. Meanwhile, Akin is dobbing Binks in to JP, saying helpful things like ‘It’s not what she said, it’s the fact that she called him at 4.22!’ and, ominously ‘No smoke without fire’. Oh, Akin. Have you never squeezed a tub of talcum powder in the middle and observed the scented, ashy cloud, while pretending to inhale deeply on the end of a pencil? No? Just me?
Tiff has a fairly restrained rant about Toff, engaging the sympathies of Emily, Frankie and Liv. ‘I don’t think she does it because she cares about Sam, she does it to piss you off,’ Liv deduces. Ah, but what about secret option three? It’s a storyline, which means screentime, which means big bucks from the fake tan brands! We can’t judge Toff too harshly - who amongst us wouldn’t cut our pals dead for a lucrative line of false eyelashes!? Emily reveals Biscuits has told her that his relationship with Frankie ‘won’t last long,’ so if Frankie wants that wardrobe, she’ll have to go to Ikea herself. Love, the Croydon one is probably your nearest, I think there’s a Park ’n’ Ride.
The girls all go to a mysterious ladies’ brunch event - it’s the sort of thing that would have once been filled with Ladies and Hons, with Julian Fellowes’ in charge of the calligraphy on the invite. However, in 2016 I suspect the only requirement is that your parents sent you to school at a cost somewhere north of 10k a term. Everyone hates everyone else at the brunch, which gives me ferocious FOMO. Emily appears to have joined the other side and sits with Team Tiff. Team Toff is generally furious. Toff tells Victoria that Tiff thanked her slightly sarcastically for her Sam intel. ‘That’s really awful,’ says a shocked Victoria. Lest we forget, the *same *Victoria who called one of her old telly colleagues ‘a fucking fat fucking turkey’ at a formal dinner.
JP breaks into the brunch - and as a side note, I reckon that if it was the Old Soaks Manly Annual Pocket Billiards Banter Chunder dinner, and Binks came in to talk to JP, she would be ejected from the building and placed in some sort of sexist quarantine, but JP is allowed to burst in on the ladies and no-one utters so much as a tut. However, JP might be disrupting the retro order of things but he’s brought plenty of old fashioned values with him. ‘You left voice notes on a MAN’S phone! He FLIRTS with you! And sometimes, you FLIRT back!’ Admittedly, no-one in a monogamous relationship wants their partner to be out late, calling people who fancy them in the early hours of the morning. But JP is such a pompous buffon that, immaturely, I would quite like Binky to have full sex with Julius and send him a video, just to wind him up. Binks, please dump JP! It can be my Christmas *and *birthday present!
Jamie, Boulle and Proudlock do yoga from hanging blankets. ‘Are you jealous of how zen I am?’ asks Biscuits, swinging wildly and magnificently missing the point of all enlightenment based activities. Poor Boulle is retreating into a blanket cocoon. He looks like he might cry. That girl who went to New York really should post his teddy bear back to him. Biscuits complains about Frankie, but then mentions that he’s talked about getting a dog with her. Bloody hell Biscuits! It’s always one step forward, two steps into a steaming pile of dog shit.
Frankie has learned that Emily heard her relationship isn’t long for this world, so she goes to meet Jamie for a weepy confrontation. She bumps into Mytton who lights up like a Kardashian’s Instagram notifications. He twists the knife, telling her that Jamie resents the relationship. while giving her a slightly creepy cuddle. It couldn’t be clearer that he has a thing for sobbing women if he were loitering at the exit for screenings of *Inside Out. *Admittedly Jamie isn’t handling this brilliantly, but it’s not really fair for Mytton to share information that Biscuits himself contradicted - even if there is video evidence of Biscuits saying it in the first place.
For reasons that I haven’t been paying enough attention to know, the episode ends at a Studio 54 party! At least no-one is wearing glasses. Poor Boulle goes for an ‘air clear’ with Fred and Liv. Never, ever try to have a dignified conversation with an ex when wearing a silver vinyl jacket and a hat that looks as though it has been stolen from a train driver and abused by a sexually and emotionally frustrated Southern Rail passenger. Jamie confronts Mytton, and then Frankie, who tells Jamie he might need ‘space’, which spooks him to his core. Frankie’s gold standard game playing might get her a whole bedroom suite by Christmas.
Then Toff accuses Tiff of saying ‘unsavoury things’ - I’m assuming this means sinister sentences such as ‘we’ve run out of Primula’ and ‘don’t put extra salt in your Bloody Mary’, but it’s more bitchy and complicated than that. It ends with Tiff demanding ‘get off your high horse’ which is a neglected expression that I’d like to see making a comeback this month. Then Sam turns up with a message from JP, who is sat at home, sulky, self righteous and trouserless, like Porky Pig’s unpopular cousin. Sam tells Binky how to make her relationship work, which always goes well. Then he calls Julius a rat. Again, Binky, please dump your awful boyfriend and save 2016!
Hero of the week
Let’s give it to Rosie who is the only cast member to demonstrate any kind of useful survival skills, possibly ever. Come the zombie apocalypse, we can rely on Rosie to make a hot breakfast, until the staff at Fulham Tesco Metro get eaten.
Villain of the week
Is it too boring to give it to JP? Is it fair? I don’t care. It doesn’t matter what Binky did or didn’t do - he interrupted brunch.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Made In Chelsea South Of France 6: Ollie Is A Smarty, Boulle Is Too Arty And Frankie Won’t Let Biscuits Party
Jamie Laing: As Series 12 Of Made In Chelsea Nears, Let's Take A Look At Just Who The Lost Boi Is
Binky: Everything You Need To Know About The Made In Chelsea Girl Who We Wish Was Our BFF
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.
