You don’t have to be Susan Miller - or even Susan Boyle - to predict that this week, South West London is going to become a boulevard of broken hearts and betrayed boys and girls looking super sad in Nordic knitwear. Our first clue comes when Liv suggests a couples’ photo shoot for Ollie and Nick - Nick looks delighted, Ollie looks like he’s arrived at the airport after letting someone else book his flight, and he’s standing at the BA bag drop while reading a text telling him he needs to be at Ryanair. Say it ain’t so, Ollie! You were the poster boys for hygge! We didn’t even give you a proper portmanteau! PRAY FOR…NILLIE!
Meanwhile, Mark Francis is making the general vibe even chillier, outing himself as the antichrist of hygge.He’s having a clear out of his objet d’art. “All these little things make it look comfortable and cosy!” he complains, gesturing at a palm sized buddha stauette, which is the spit of the one which lives next to the pink gilt cat ornament at the nail bar I go to. What a coincidence! The cosy items will be replaced by ‘significant’ ones - we assume that later, when he’s out of shot, he’s setting up an Ebay alert for the Magna Carta.
Binky and Louise go out for steak with JP and Louise’s enormous boyfriend, who makes the mains look like teeny weeny canapes. Ryan the enormous boyfriend reveals he’s broody, and JP says there’s no higher accolade than being desired as the mother of someone’s children. Yes JP, the man seed is precious, and it an honour to have it bestowed upon us! We feel almost as important as the 2009 Jack Wills joggers that you have almost certainly spunked down the leg of while watching repeats of KUWTK!
Louise whispers to Binky that she is pregnant with regret - Alik has been calling her, so she’s emailed saying she wants to make amends. But she doesn’t want to mention it to Ryan, because he’s not keen on any references to her exes. We can only assume that he chose to do no research and decided not to watch any episodes of the programme before signing away his private life in pursuit of ever more lucrative endorsements. Ryan, we’re with you! Let’s all live in the dark, like moles - and not the ones that I refuse to acknowledge or get checked.
Boulle and Fred have a whisky ‘made from ancient barrels!’ and Boulle reacts badly to the news that Liv has seen both of Fred’s barrels. He seems more upset about Fred’s reference to his ‘dadbod’ than the idea that Liv might be moving on. Fred listens to his friend and does not point out that Francis put less effort into making it work with Liv than I have put into finding my lost gym card.
Toff briefly plugs Ikea - ‘We kitted out our student house with this wonderful thing called flat pack furniture. It arrives. Flat in a pack’ - and Fred and Liv go on a gallery date with Julius, their self appointed Paddy McGuinness who does everything in his power to smoosh them together apart from say ‘Let the Faberge see the Egg!’ We learn Fred had a Mayfair gallery for three years - a quick Google reveals it’s a private collection that can be seen ‘by appointment only’. Is it mean to imagine that they kept a few bits in a storage locker, and went to the nearest Pret with a load of white sheets when anyone actually made an appointment? Perhaps the Boulle/Jamie/Proudlock picture was borrowed to bump up the offerings, with a big red ‘sold’ sticker propped onto the frame. Liv is not nearly as cynical as me, and seems totally charmed by ‘arty Fred’. Hmmm.
Nick has taken Ollie on a special date, to bring the romance back. They have gone to look at some emus. Clearly for Nick, nothing elicits love and tenderness like a visual prompt reminding one’s partner of Rod Hull and his aggressive 1970s TV puppet act. A freaked out Ollie pecks at his own feathers, murmuring ‘You’ve been amazing, you’ve been amazing, you’ve been amazing, BUT I CAN’T DO THIS ANY MORE!’ before running away through the zoo, leaving Nick with brimming eyes and a full bottle of champagne. At least when God closes a door he gives you a nice glass of Veuve.
Louise tells Ryan about the email, and he gets so angry that he starts to sound slightly Australian. Ryan tells the boys that he’s on the brink of breaking up with her, because no matter what happens, he will not be mugged off! Chaps, no TOWIE talk in SW6! We’ve discussed this! A night out is the answer, and we discover that Akin might look dashing and dapper in his polo neck and perspex aviator specs, but his lines do not impress the ladies. ‘I’m a fantastic cook! What are your thoughts on pan seared salmon? You have fantastic teeth!’ And then, slightly desperately ‘See you later on!’ at the departing women who are clearly recalling Paris Hilton’s BFF line ‘Ta ta for never!’ JP tells Ryan to calm down and talk to Louise - why is he so sane, normal and helpful about other people’s relationships? We learn Sam is jokingly referring to Tiff as the ‘ball and chain’. Sam, it’s less funny than having a bird shit on your head.
The boys’ night is a bit dull, so there’s one last party which conveniently allows the ending of some unfinished business. Nick has a showdown with Ollie, saying ‘I felt like a massive idiot when we were at the zoo,’ because the zoo is normally a place where dignity abounds, and then shouting ‘THE STRESS IS STILL GOING TO BE THERE!’, his eyes popping like Gollum’s, if Gollum had constipation. When he watches this back, he’ll understand why Ollie has said that the chemistry has gone. Fred and Liv are touching each other and giggling, adorable to the point of queasiness. Francis looks like he might have to break into the cloakroom and sob onto some coats. Ryan storms off to Louise’s to invoke Article 50 on the relationship, and Louise changes his mind with winsome looks and soft furnishings. Ryan, there aren’t many women in London with a sofa that could comfortably accommodate you, so think on! COMING NEXT WEEK: Fred wears an alice band.
Hero of the week:
Let’s give it to Akin, who is so keen for a storyline that he is using fish preparation techniques to, erm, lure, (geddit?!) some women his way. Let’s give him something to do, beside looking interesting in a polo neck!
Villain of the week:
No-one has behaved too heinously, so it’s a joint award to Louise for sending an email that was bound to upset Ryan, and Ryan for getting so upset about it all. Unless Louise is still using a Yahoo email address I think everyone needs to calm down.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.