This week’s episode begins with a reminder that you’re never too posh to stay safe. Jamie has gone back to the early noughties and acquired a micro scooter - remember how our shins were permanently dented in 2002 because ‘spirited’ toddlers were put on wheels and allowed free run of the nation’s pavements? Well, that period of our lives is making a come back! Happily Jamie is wearing a helmet, so he’s a danger to others but not to himself. Risk taker Boulle is unhatted, in a skateboard and a suit, but it’s Boulle who drops the door on Jamie as he flies into Proudlock’s office. Hurrah for helmets, as it were.
Proudlock claims to be shocked that the bois are back, but the scary Boulle-scits-Lock combo painting is out, propped against a wall as if it had been resting at the back of a cupboard under a pile of old coats and hurriedly dusted. Boulle is back to raise awareness of the Pangolin - which sounds like something Tibetian monks made music with in the fourteenth century, but it’s actually an endangered animal. He’s also raising awareness of his doubts about Liv. After scaling her wall and gatecrashing her birthday party, he’s having second thoughts - or possibly, just preempting her second thoughts.
Binky plans a camping trip ‘to prove to everyone girls can be sufficient!’ - and gets Louise and Rosie on board, even though Rosie is very concerned about leaving her ‘work’. Oh, the mysterious work that allows plenty of time for midweek five hour champagne brunches, but cannot be left unattended while you spend 48 hours in a tent!
Liv has gone all coy, and tells Frankie and Tiff that she and Francis did ‘as one does’ - dude, mere months ago you were yelling about sausage, and running perilously close to making some sort of sexual analogy about pigs in blankets. She seems less interested in Boulle bonking and much more focused on The Great War. In the meantime, Mytton has lunch with Jess and claims that ‘not one bit of me enjoyed’ telling Frankie that Jess thought he was stupid. Erm, Mytton, your pants are combusting right now. Your trousers practically have a Donald Trump shaped Guy Fawkes dummy sticking out of them.
Ollie lays the groundwork for getting Julius together with Binky - he’s about as subtle as a forehead tattoo but of course we love him for it. And Julius is down - he thinks Binky is beautiful and he’s coming on the camping trip! Hooray! Camping looks suspiciously like a Sloane Square beer garden, with picnic tables and mason jars. Rosie still seems quietly furious that Binky has brought her somewhere which isn’t 20 metres from a full service spa. Julius turns up with champagne and a guitar, and Binky is not displeased.
Boulle spots Toff on the street and I am genuinely impressed that he smiles, greets her and does not hide in a bush. She asks him awkward relationship questions about Liv, and our heart breaks for her - if we press the red button on the remote, can we stop her from doing this? Sneaky Sam tells JP about Julius and the camping, and JP responds with dignity and grace, explaining that Binky is a free woman allowed to explore her options, and after the way he treated her, she doesn’t owe him anything. Psyche! No, JP responds as if Binky is a macbook he’s picking up from click and collect at John Lewis, and Julius has yoinked it from his hands while winking and muttering ‘Never knowingly under BOLD!’
Not that this is stopping Binky from joining hands with Julius by firelight, or feeding him ‘marshys’, while Rosie and Ollie do all but press their genitals together. Also, during a game of ‘I have never’ (and never have I ever got drunk with posh people before someone started a game of ‘I have never’) Rosie takes a sip and admits to fancying someone else’s boyfriend. Does she have a crush on Louise’s giant fitness person?
Boulle brings Liv to Beach Blanket Babylon, where they have a competition over who can dump the other person first. We like Boulle’s creative use of a knife as a tiny eyebrow mirror, and he likes Liv’s shiny top (‘it’s very…reptillian’). She’s invited to the pangolin party, which is causing consternation amongst Proudlock and Jamie, the latter deflating like a split condom as soon as he hears the word ‘awareness’. ‘You’re not going to use a projector?’
Jess and Toff make plans to end the war, with Victoria contributing the magnificent euphemism for stupid - ‘The lift doesn’t go to the top floor’. They attempt to make reparations while Boulle is raising awareness, and it goes predictably badly - almost as badly as Boulle’s awkward speech, which begins ‘I’m sure many of you were thinking “panga-what”? and it feels a bit like watching Principal Skinner trying to rap. Toff makes an almost-apology to Liv, who explains that Toff wasn’t invited to her birthday ‘because I wanted to have fun’. This might be the first televisual documentation of someone being enemy-zoned. Jess follows, and she simply tells Frankie she admits that she said something hurtful, she shouldn’t have done it and she regrets it. Frankie eyes up the apology as though it’s Christmas morning and Jess has just given her a £5 voucher for the Edinburgh Woollen Mill. Then Jamie turns up to the rescue, like a fireman, only instead of putting everything out, he’s turned on his house to spray MORE FIRE EVERYWHERE. ‘You alienate yourself from other girls,’ he tells Jess, who looks as though she would like to alienate him from his own face.
Liv finds Julius and cries because ‘Toff makes me feel like I’m being mean to her - ‘YOU ARE - ‘and I’m not a mean person’ - YOU ARE - ‘and honestly, standing there, I felt like a knob.’ YOU ARE. Julius is outraged that Toff made Liv cry, and not asking enough questions about why Liv’s display of distress isn’t quite convincing enough to shift her own eyeliner. This showdown has warmed us up for the main confrontation of the episode. Perhaps you could call it an amuse ooof.
JP, looking like a steak in a tux drawn by the American Meat Consumption board in 1958, bears down upon Binky and grills her about camping with Julius. ‘You were FLIRTING WITH HIM,’ he spits, as if auditioning for the role of townsperson in a regional production of ‘The Scarlett Letter! The Musical!’ and he’s about to launch into a song called ‘You’re A Whore And I’m A Bore’. Ollie comes to the rescue and defends his friend, while JP grumbles ‘There is absolutely no respect’. No, mate. You’re just a twat in a tux, and we’ve got beef with you.
Hero of the week
Let’s give it to Rosie, who bravely went camping even though it’s clear that she only likes her mud when it smells of flower petals and comes out of a GlamGlow tube. Hooray!
Villain of the week
Frankie is a strong contender for her crashing lack of graciousness, but she wore a really great orange jumper, which is a point in her favour. Maybe we could give it to JP every week, until he leaves Binky alone!
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Made In Chelsea 12, Episode 2: Mummy Felstead Guards Binky’s Place, JP Makes A Face, And Fred’s Back
Jamie Laing: As Series 12 Of Made In Chelsea Nears, Let's Take A Look At Just Who The Lost Boi Is
Binky: Everything You Need To Know About The Made In Chelsea Girl Who We Wish Was Our BFF
Follow Jess on Twitter @NotRollerGirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.