For a brief moment, I wonder whether I’ve accidentally tuned into Hollyoaks Later. The moody music, and the sad girl in bed with glossy, artfully mussed hair indicate that I’m about to witness a harrowing drug death or house fire. But it’s only Binky, photogenically brooding over that dastardly dumper, JP, who has ditched her over the phone because she did a little bit of accidental drunken snogging. It’s not all bad - Louise is still a bit miserable about Alik, but not so sad that she can’t wear a subtle crown to brunch. ‘I hate cheating, I’ve been cheated on…why did I do it?’ wails Binky. Oh, love, we’ve all done terrible things with our mouths when under the influence. I’ve made similar speeches about the £1.99 8 piece Bargain Medley from my local Chicken Outhouse.
Toff has news - announcing ‘I’ve never had a proper job before, and I think it’s time!’ she reveals that she’s off for an interview at iconic posh publication The Lady. It’s where Boris Johnson’s sister works, and it’s so fancy that it makes Tatler look like The Sunday Sport. She’s a dead cert. In fact, as soon as they hear that she’s actually called Toff, not Georgia, they’ll probably make her the editor.
JP is pontificating on boozy Binky and her party girl proclivities, and wondering why she can’t just stay in with her needlework basket, hiding her ankles from the prying public. ‘Are you just a person who can’t allow yourself to be happy?’ he whines at Binks, who isn’t actually present. Lucy gently points out that he needs to calm down and get things into perspective before he’s accidentally cast in an amateur Chekhov production. ‘I think she was just on a big night.’
New boy Matt gets taken on his first trip to Bounce, which is usually a sign that he’s passed his MIC probation, and that he’s 1.5 episodes away from embarking on a doomed relationship. Biscuits is there with Olivia, who is wearing an implausibly sleeved leather jacket - I don’t understand how she thinks she can hit her ball when her outfit gives her the elbow mobility and range of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Biscuits complains about Jess because she is wrecking his relationship with Frankie. Obviously, she’s the worst. Poor Biscuits just keeps hooking up with people! Evil, relationship ruining Jess is the one who has the audacity to talk about it. However, Matt will not be cock blocked, and is still meeting her for a skate date. Biscuits could poo Jess’s pants, and Matt would still want to get into them.
Binky goes to see Ollie for a cheering hug, and bloody Steph is there, giving out unsolicited advice like a UKIP supporter with a pile of Brexit leaflets. ‘I’m SO against cheating, but once I’ve had six tequilas, I’m snogging the doorman!’ she says, which is probably why security staff have all those radios and alarms. At the same time, the relationship is being analysed by James, who says ‘JP has fallen in love with someone who isn’t there.’ So he’s not dumped her for partying, he’s been cheating on her with a ghost the whole time! That’sdefinitely what he meant. Sam says some wise things, but it’s hard to tell whether they’re genuinely salient points, or if we’re just surprised to see him in a tie. ‘It’s like JP is a teacher, and she wants to go and have a fag behind the bus shelter,’ adds James, speaking like a man who has never experienced smoking, or public transport, but once read a book about a rough school where the some of the kids wore second hand blazers.
Binky and JP have an intense, emotional chat, which is very hard to take seriously as they both constantly refer to each other as ‘bubba’. It all gets very dark when he announces ‘Don’t feel like it’s control, it’s love, I care about you, I have your best interests at heart.’ Oh, Binky, no! Run! Anyone who restricts you while claiming to have your ‘best interests at heart’ is, if they didn’t give birth to you, a wannabe Christian Grey who’s into the worst kind of S&M - sadness and misery. Shove some peeled ginger up JP’s arse and get out of there.
It’s Toff’s time to shine! She’s brought Jess to The Lady offices for moral support, and Jess is dressed for her skate date with Matt. ‘I thought that if I looked like this, you’d stand out!’ Jess explains, indicating her bleached denim, which doesn’t look distressed so much as traumatised. But it turns out to be Toff who has the massive rip in her tweed jacket! Let’s all hope it’s just Zara and not actual Chanel, eh? Happily Toff sails through the interview, where one of the questions is ‘How many nannies did you have?’
Jess and Matt get their sexy skate on, as elsewhere, Biscuits sits with Frankie and all but claims that his penis will drop off unless it’s tightly packed into a hot, wet cavity every twenty minutes. It’s the most phoned in apology that has ever been broadcast, and he only ever really gets animated when complaining that Jess can ‘eat shit’. Again, a reminder that Biscuits cheated, twice, Jess is just one of many women who confirmed this to Frankie, when asked, and while waiting to plead his case, Biscuits didn’t even let Frankie have her first choice of ice cream.
JP has another stab at the role of manipulative psycho, coming to Ollie’s flat like a middle manager who has just been called for a disciplinary about watching internet porn at work, and then claiming that he has an issue with Ollie ‘taking sides’. He’s one of her oldest friends, you little shit.
The gang goes to a gig, and Louise and Rosie love the music. ‘It’s really unusual!’ They bump into JP who shouts all over it, claiming that he’s been wronged, and it isn’t fair because he misses Binky so badly. At one point he’s so overbearing that Rosie has to put her hand up to halt him, like a volunteer steward at a folk festival stopping a combine harvester from running over an actual child. Jess and Jamie have a tedious confrontation which ends in them both admitting they still fancy each other a bit, and Toff gets the job! Hooray!
Hero of the week
This has to be Jess, for services to friendship and fashion after supporting Toff through her pre interview nerves and wardrobe crisis. A special mention for Frankie, who we hope has finally dumped Biscuits’ crumbly arse.
Villain of the week
It has to be the newly psychopathic JP, for displaying all the tact and tenderness of a cult leader trying to get a vulnerable recruit to hand their credit card over. Fingers crossed that Binks won’t be going back.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.