Hooray! Ollie is still smitten with Tiff, telling Rosie that he texts goodnight in the evening, and he’s thinking about taking her up the Shard. ‘Maybe something more chilled, like… bowling?’ suggests Rosie, aware that basing your date on a bum-sex pun might stop being funny before you’ve got out of the lift. Ollie is worried because he’s ‘completely awful’ at bowling. ‘She might be bad, too,’ says Rosie, cruelly comforting to the last.
Binky’s Mum is back and bringing the rudery, asking her daughter if she’s ‘christened’ her new flat with JP. Happily the mood gets more somber as Nicola arrives and asks Jane to do some surrogate parenting. Nicola looks like a punctured promotional inflatable that has had all the air forced out of it because the car dealership has closed down. She looks like she’s living in a black and white world and no-one can colour it in. After a hug from Mummy Felstead, Binky brings the tough love. ‘He’s got those eyes where you’re like, “Oh, yeah, OK,” she explains, implying that Alex is some kind of demon puppy – Cujo in a Comme des Garcons T-shirt.
Meanwhile, Mytton his telling Biscuits that Nicola makes loving a pain in the bum. ‘Have you cheated on her?’ asks Biscuits. ‘Not in Ibiza, no,’ comes the reply. Clearly he’s so guilty of something that Shaggy couldn’t lie for him. And Sam tells Toff that he just slept with Tiff, and he’s having feelings. Who knew that Sam had feelings other than ‘hungry’ and ‘sleepy’?
Ollie takes Tiff bowling, and everyone else comes along for the ride. (OH, HAI HARNEY! Remind us, are you credited as a ‘cast member’ now, or just a featured extra?) The Bayswater All Star Lanes is posher than Steph and Dom’s house on Gogglebox, and to keep proceedings on brand, the cameras capture five bottles of chilled Laurent Perrier and no boxes of flaccid, anaemic bowling alley chips. Ollie tells Tiff that he has massive balls between his legs, feeling the need to tell her that they are of the alley and not his actual testicles, picking them up to show her. Tiff tells Toff she’s definitely over Sam but isn’t sure how she feels about her big balled new friend, explaining ‘I don’t want to lead Ollie on.’
Sam tells Biscuits and Jess that he can’t stop thinking about Tiff, and he’s really upset. ‘I had a butterfly chicken yesterday and couldn’t finish it.’ Biscuits does a peculiar impression of a businessman in which he yells ‘HONG KONG!’ This is not relevant, but interesting. He then advises Sam to talk to Tiff ‘and be clear of all the sin that’s inside you’. Is he an exorcist now? Sam shares his feelings with Lucy, erroneously, because she makes a face and says ‘Shall we go?’ as if she’s got to be aggressively rude at least 10,000 times a day in order to log her bitchy activity into a special app.
Binky and JP go to see Lucy’s new flat, and have an awkward moment when everyone learns JP has yet to stay over at Binky’s. ‘You need to get your boyfriend a nice cup,’ suggests Steph, recalling the horrific 2013 Mumsnet thread where users debated the merits of swilling their partner’s penis in a plastic beaker. Sam asks for help from Mark Francis, trying to select a win-Tiff-back-bouquet. ‘Peonies are the thing,’ Mark explains, as Sam asks ‘Are they roses?’ before suggesting that he gets the ‘beige ones’, before Ollie turns up. It couldn’t be more awkward if Ollie suddenly announced that he was the second lead singer in Destiny’s Child.
Biscuits and Mytton have an inappropriate conversation about Binky and JP. ‘In the honeymoon stage you should be having sex on car bonnets because you’re so horny for each other,’ muses Biscuits. ‘I did that in Barcelona - you were there,’ confirms Mytton. Dude, you can’t have been that horny if you remember your little blond pal giving you a sordid thumbs up from the corner of the carpark. Mytton asks Binky what’s going on - he might be trying to be a supportive, helpful friend but he gives us the impression that if Binky doesn’t start giving him some home truths, he’s going to start going through her bins. ‘It’s weird watching him not spend time with you,’ he murmurs, twisting the knife. Oh, do fuck off out of it, you big nobby haircut.
The gang goes to a gig, and we see so much of the band that we can wonder whether they have anything to do with those special phones the cast are forced to use. Nicola explains that she and Mytton re going to make one more go of it, but it’s over if there’s another big fight (this from Mytton, who is in no position to issue ultimatums.) Lucy tells Binky to take it slow with JP, and that the big declaration of love is coming and worth waiting for - it might be the smartest, most sane thing she’s ever said. And Sam makes a play for Tiff, who plays for time. Adorably, Ollie confronts her saying ‘He’s still completely in love with you,’ and not ‘I heard you had it off on top of a pile of coats last week.’ Sam’s like a three year old in love. ‘But I want you! Want! Have to get what I want!’ Tiff, please don’t get back in the toy box.
Hero of the week
It’s got to be Mark Francis, for helping Sam with his sentimental education and giving him the botany lesson of a lifetime – as well as showing us that Ollie makes an excellent human vase.
Villain of the week
Meddling Mytton knows his relationship is basically over, so he’s out to destroy things for his ex and continue his psychological reign of terror. Boooo!
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.