It begins with a cosy winter walk. Scrumble has gained a little weight, but Binky reckons it’s just extra fur. Maybe he’s had secret extensions, or been sneaking kelp extract into his Pedigree Chum. Their walking partner is JP, who claims Scrumble has ‘the same waddle’ as Binks - and then goes in for a kiss! Scandalo! To be fair it’s not exactly a big screen style snog, more of an awkward lip bump - maybe one of them has a cold sore.
In other scandalous news, Jess, peeping coyly from under her new fringe, announces that Mytton has been texting her for relationship advice following a big fight with Nicola. ‘No offence, but like, why?’ asks a baffled Lucy, knowing full well that Jess’s ‘advice’ usually goes along the lines of ‘Why not try a different vagina? Like mine!’
Rosie explores the #eatclean trend in bold new levels, plonking a beetroot juice down on the table and announcing that it makes her pee purple. This is heartening, as Rosie always struck as as the sort of girl who didn’t really care for bodily functions and had her bowels and bladder emptied by faxing instructions to a concierge. We also find out that asparagus doesn’t affect everyone - ‘Maybe you’ve just got smelly wee!’ she cheerfully tells Binky, who suddenly looks very uncomfortable - it’s the face of a person who has just put a tampon in for the first time and is contemplating a future of childbearing years spent walking around as if they’ve laid an egg in their knickers.
Binky changes the subject with talk of the kiss, and Louise and Rosie are a little less ecstatic than she’d hoped. We think they must be adding up the cost of a whole future of stroppy airport taxi rides. Rosie discusses the Lucy Feud - ‘She said I was irrelevant to the fashion industry, which is rich coming from someone who went to a black tie event wearing a negligee!’ This stinging indictment is a little lost on Binky, who doesn’t know what a negligee is. Helpfully Rosie defines it as a sleepwear garment that one’s bits hang out of.
We learn from Nicola that Mytton went AWOL for three days - not, like, three months? Nic, it has been a while since we saw you. Did Ryanair put their fares up? Nicola is very unhappy that Mytton texted Jess during their crise de coeur. Mytton then tells her that he’s got some washing for her. It’s as if he wants to get dumped, like Ireland trying to enter bad songs on purpose in order to avoid hosting the Eurovision Song Contest for the eighth year running.
Victoria has a slightly stagey dinner party for all of Spencer’s ex and current girlfriends, with the exception of Emma. She lets Tallulah talk her into buying a couple of cases of champagne ‘as red wine makes me emotional’. We would love to see Victoria take off her terrifying Transformer face and show some real human feeling - hopefully she’ll get sent to a pinot noir tasting soon. Tallulah confirms that Spencer’s P has been in her V, just as Spencer is spotted looking crazy couply with Emma, as Ollie and Toff look on. Spencer then takes Tallulah for lunch and answers questions about Emma. ‘You guys would get along famously. We should all have a movie night!’ Oh, good. Spencer is now so delusional that he genuinely believes he is Hugh Hefner. It’s only a matter of time before we see him in a leather dressing gown.
Tallulah is dismissed for Mytton, who whines about all the terrible things that keep happening to him, and how he has been betrayed by his very own fingers. ‘What Nicola and I have is worth fighting for,’ he says, solemnly. Dude, you wouldn’t swing a conker for her. Meanwhile Jess is showing Nicola the non incriminating texts. Nicola simply looks at Jess like Aslan looking at the White Queen. Mytton, you’re getting turned to stone.
It’s time for JP’s prince and princess pardy! Everyone has gone as themselves, apart from Ollie who has a lovely lacy ruff, and Spencer, who has come as Napoleon. Tallulah is conveniently in Paris, and it looks like Spencer is about to get away with all the uninterrupted shagging of Emma until Victoria bowls up and demands to know whether Spencer is joining Tallulah at the weekend. ‘I’m sure you expected it! I’m single now!’ explains Spencer, and Emma is astonishingly gracious about it. ‘You made such a beeline for me…I lost Ollie.’ Poor Spencer. He’s a cross between a sociopath and a horny puppy that refuses to be neutered.
Tiff tells Lucy that she’s definitely not going to be working with Rosie, expecting a hug, or at least, a thank you. ‘I don’t care, do what you want,’ sniffs Lucy, which even causes James to say ‘Oi! Come on now!’ They start talking about moving out of their shared house. To be fair, theirs is a typical Chelsea relationship. Everyone is miserable and no-one seems to be having sex.
Mytton seems determined to make Nicola dump him, responding to her accusations with ‘I’m going to tell you to fuck off, that’s not how I want to be spoken to.’ Nicola storms off. Nicola, please go off and shag an insanely hot male model, make him crazy jealous and Instagram a load of lovely pictures of yourself on someone else’s yacht. More cheerfully, JP asks Binky to be his girlfriend! We know we should be nervous about this, but we’re actually pleased. For once, love wins!
Hero of the week
We’ve been awfully mean to him lately, so let’s give it to JP for having the guts to declare himself and make lovely Binky smile. Please, please let these two keep it going at least until Christmas.
Villain of the week
**
**Mr Mytton hasn’t been on our blacklist for a while - and texting someone you’ve slept with to complain about your current girlfriend is very bad form. We’d love to see him entering a period of enforced celibacy in which Nicola dumps him and no-one wants to sleep with him because he’s got stupid hair.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.