It begins with Binky trying to cheer up a chucked Ollie with ‘homemade breakfast’ - piles of shop bought croissants and eggs that have been boiled for 15 minutes and could be used as industrial filler, or bum implants. Ollie remains uncheered. ‘If you could have Mufasa, why would you have Zazou?’ he wails. Ollie, I don’t think the issue is that Spenny is the mane man - it’s that, if you’re in your twenties and Disney movies are your go to point of comparison, you’re not really bringing the alpha male vibes.
Spenny the lion is taking Biscuits to buy a watch. ‘When I first meet someone, I always judge them on their watch,’ he smirks. So it seems cruel that he’s chosen a shop I recognise from the shittier end of Oxford Street - it’s sandwiched between two pop ups flogging 'celebrity' fragrances - inverted commas their own. Harney has come, presumably to stop by Forever 21 on the way back so he can buy a t shirt that reads ‘I’M RELEVANT (GIVE ME A STORYLINE).’
Stephanie is doing some surrogate sister bonding with Tiff, and only to look up and find herself face to face with Richard. There is more blonde hair in the room than you’d see in the warehouse at the Barbie head factory. She peers at him like someone who has seen God but can’t look at him properly until she’s found her sunglasses at the bottom of her bag. Tiff politely, bemusedly, asks Richard about his business endeavours. ‘You’re curious about the robots, I can tell!’ smiles Steph. ‘But what…what….what is their purpose?’ Thank you, Tiff. Richard asks Stephanie to come and see them, then walks into a door.
He leaves and Tiff tears her hair out about Lucy’s one sided feud with Rosie, which remarkable because we learn Rosie’s blog is ‘the third best in London’. How are we defining London here, gang? The Bluebird car park? The disabled loos at Harvey Nicks?
Emma turns up to apologise to Ollie and gets Binky, who tells her that Spencer is a combination of Bill Sykes and Voldemort who will invariably eat her young. Then try to have sex with them. Emma runs off to meet Spenny’s Mum, and then have a night out with the bois. Incidentally Emma has decided that she’s from South Africa, and her accent is getting slowly more consistent. Well done, everyone. In an homage to Ollie’s theme, Spencer is wearing a lion jumper. It is not a Kenzo lion jumper. It is the sweater of a hair metal fan from Lowestoft who lives in his parents’ garage. The girls are also having a night out where Ollie, invited for tokenistic reasons, describes Richard as a ‘thorough lover’. ‘Oh, I don’t sleep with anyone unless I’m in love with them,’ intones Stephanie, huskily, before adding ‘I do fall in love really fast, though.’
Spencer learns that Binky has warned Emma of his ways and describes her as an ‘absolute helmet’. Rosie talks about the Lucy ‘feud’ and says that Watson Senior is ‘completely irrelevant’ - the exact phrase Lucy used last week! They have so much in common! Well, a script writer…and Mark Francis and Victoria tell Toff about Richard and Stephanie. Stoic Toff bites her lip and takes it on the chin. Why is Richard so obsessed with blondes? Why do all his conquests look a little bit like him? We have many questions.
Rosie takes Tiff to a very dull looking fashion show where everyone is wearing hairy fake fur that looks like it was mineswept off the Warehouse sale rail and spray painted. Someone who might be Elton John, or possibly just a plump man in novelty glasses, comes on and bows at the end. Steph goes to see the robots which, if I’m honest, could do with a wipe. Richard, why are your robots so grimy? He’s trained one giant mechanical arm to present Steph with a single red rose. In the future, we’re not going to have persistent people coming up to us in clubs trying to flog a red rose ‘for the lady’. Just creepy, dirty, fleshless metal arms.
As it’s the middle of the series and pardy fatigue is setting in fast, the gang finish up at a posh recital. ‘Do you know what this is called?’ smirks a suited JP, who has been allowed some post LA screentime. ‘A string quartet,’ retorts Binky, who might have lost her heart for loving, but still has ears for listening and hands for counting and won’t not never let that varmint JP take ‘em away from her, no sir! ‘I’ve got those strong butterflies again, as if I’ve met her for the first time,’ murmurs JP. Oh bloody hell, this will end badly.
Richard finds Stephanie playing the piano, and makes his move. ‘My heart is gone cold,’ she replies sadly. She’s gone bloody French for an LA woman. Richard gazes into the piano lid, gazing at his reflection like Simba staring into the sky, to remind us super subtly of the episode theme.
Rosie confronts Lucy, who shouts at Rosie for making Tiff do her ‘bitch work’. They scream ‘bitch’ at each other over and over again until, if one closes one’s eyes, one could be back in the needlework room at Cheltenham Ladies’. Spencer then confronts Binky, arguing ‘You’re supposed to be like my sister, why would you trash me to someone you don’t care about?’ Spencer, you either have no idea how families work, or mine is more dysfunctional than I thought - either way, do you fancy doing some sort of sibling exchange at Christmas? ‘Do you forgive me?’ blinks Binky. ‘Yeah, obviously,’ says Spencer, who couldn’t stay mad at her if he administered his own botox to give himself frowny eyebrows. Awwww!
Hero of the week
Let’s give it to sexy, sophisticated Stephanie for lending a generous listening ear to Tiff, letting Richard down so gently and for her secret piano skills. As Richard said, why is everyone not fighting over her?! We’re starting to fancy her a bit…
Villain of the week
Everyone has been quite well behaved, but we’re not keen on Lucy Watson’s obsessive attempts to control Tiff, or her use of the phrase ‘bitch work’. Although we’re quite impressed that Tiff is actually on the payroll…
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.