It begins with a posh, monochrome version of It’s A Knockout, as Spenny backflips among foam cubes before stopping to give Sam some fairly shit relationship advice. Sam is still sulking about Tiff kissing someone who may or may not have been called Percy. Spencer humours him for about seven seconds before saying ‘Um, Jamie’s in Ibiza. Go and bore him to tears with this stuff!’ And on that theme, Jess, replete with jewel dandruff, is ruining her own 21st birthday pardy by whanging on about the lack of Biscuits. ‘We’re like soul mates who have something missing,’ she pouts at Millie. Um, a personality? A pulse? Happily Biscuits rings to wish her a happy birthday, and summons her to the White Isle. Nothing says ‘be mine’ like, ‘Come to the closing party at Manumission! We’ll watch the live bum sex!’
More cheerfully, Mark Francis and Victoria have a brand new buddy, the recently jilted Talulah. They have taken her diamond shopping – it’s the only form of entertainment they understand. Victoria is looking at nine carat numbers for Summer festivals (‘It would be perfect for Coachella – definitely not GLARRRstonbury!’) before remembering she’s supposed to be cheering up her mate. Mark steps in. ‘At least being single in London has less of a stigma than it does in Monte Carlo.’ Yeah, Talulah - you don’t know you’re born.
Binks butches Ollie up with some Just For Men, reveals she doesn’t know the meaning of ‘effeminate’ and quiffs his hair into a pointy horn. ‘You look like a sexy unicorn!’ she laughs. At my hen party, an entire evening revolved around unicorn themed erotica, so I have many questions. Just how much does Binky know?
Generously, Biscuits has invited absolutely everyone to stay with him in Ibiza. Less generously, it turns out that he’s staying in Emily’s house and he’s expecting her to keep them in milk, tea bags and bog roll, even though she hasn’t hung out with any of them for a whole series and a half. Emily extracts her revenge by asking Biscuits if he’s ‘poked’ Jess. Eurghhhh. Goonish Millie has returned – presumably she heard the words ‘free holiday’ and got on the plane faster than one can say, ‘Ryanair Loyalty Stamp.’ She arrives with the gang screaming ‘IBIZA! IBIZA!’, reminding me of a confused gentleman I once saw standing on the back of a milk float shouting ‘BOGNOR! BOGNOR REGIS!’ (although that was in Manchester).
Steph and Tiff meet a strange, posh man who tells them he’ll do their chores and he’s horny. Oh, sorry, HARNEY. It’s HARNEY – That New Man With The Totally Normal Human Name. Steph asks him to do some handyman stuff in her new house because ‘I need someone to help me carry a TV.’ Can you not get it delivered, Steph? I’ve seen the AO adverts. Or do you just want someone to carry it from room to room, so you can watch Strictly in the sitting room and then enjoy a bit of Gogglebox in bed?
Obviously, back in Ibiza the gang are not enjoying usual Balearic holiday fun, such as getting sick off lobster, having violent arguments about whether they really want to spend eighty euros on seeing Paul Oakenfold and buying coke that turns out to be crystal meth. They’re talking about the Tiff and Sam sitch with the focus and seriousness of a group of humourless delegates at a Global Paperclip Summit. Lucy has a word with Sam, who screams, shouts, interrupts her and may or may not poo with rage. Even Louise looks embarrassed for him. ‘I am the fucking victim!’ he cries. It’s so weird! When the love of your life cheats, normal people cry, deny or put an Adele album on. Sam is the only person who starts sounding like a mad men’s rights activist. And if he didn’t cheat on Tiff, then I didn’t become mildly aroused during my brief exposure to unicorn porn.
On the theme of being a total shit, we learn that Spencer once pulled Binky and then chucked her out at 3AM because she wouldn’t have sex with him. Biscuits tells Millie and Emily about Jess, but I can’t pay attention to what they’re saying because their lunch leftovers look amazing. Biscuits puts Jess on the spot, and she tells Biscuits it will never work because they’re ‘not sexually compatible’. Which is only slightly less horrible, heartbreaking and humiliating than having someone stand on a table, point at you and shout ‘YOU HAVE A BAD PENIS!’ Jess also hears that Millie finds her relationship chat ‘boring’ – which it is – and bollocks her. It’s actually super smart. Don’t bother with self improvement! Just find the person who thinks you need to improve and yell at them!
Ollie, who is not a shit, kindly has a private chat with JP and tries to persuade her to go out with Binky. It’s a lovely gesture, but I have a spooky feeling that Binky would rather go out with her creepiest uncle’s weirdest friend than benefit from a pity dating intervention. Harney rings Steph on her terrible product placement phone, saying, ‘It’s H… h… the handyman!’ as a neat way of covering the fact that he’s forgotten his own stupid name. He’s ringing to suggest ‘something really casual…like tennis.’ Date sports: For people who don’t go to bars in case they accidentally reveal they have no personality. Still, I’d like to see Steph with someone steady and boring and kind. Let’s find out how Harney feels about coasters before this goes further…
Sam turns up at Tiff’s house, demands that she bring him a glass of water and then shouts and splutters before complaining, ‘I feel fucking sick. I need to roll.’ I’d bet all my unicorn porn that he has cheated, and I cannot wait for him to get busted for it.
Hero of the week
This goes to Steph, for giving love a chance, not laughing at Harney and getting ready to hope again. She believes in love! Just like us! And Madonna! Hooray!
Villain of the week
As we can’t give it to Sam again, this is for Jess, who might have ruined Jamie Biscuits’ sex life for all eternity… or until the next Freshers’ Week PA, anyway.
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Made In Chelsea 10.1 - Tiff’s Secret Kisses, JP And Binky’s Near Misses And Jess’s Sex Demand Disses
Jess And Toff From Made In Chelsea Talk Harry Potter And Spencer Matthews
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.