It begins with an interesting insight into Alik’s sex life, as Louise demonstrates her bedroom technique on a horse - it’s all about the vertical bounce. A sad Ollie sighs over Tiff, before making a strong cracker gag about how his equine companion’s relationships are more ‘stable’. And Louise is back! ‘It felt like forever, even though it was 10 days!’ exclaims Binky, for the benefit of anyone who was in the loo during the first round of recaps.
Poor old Jess attempts some attention grabbing, performative chat with Lucy and Toff about how girls are always trying to make out with her at parties. Lucy is struggling to get James a gift, as apparently he only really likes ‘rocks and documentaries’. If only someone would make a documentary about rocks! JP reveals that he would pick out a tasty Christmas turkey ‘based on noise and speed’ and James talks turkey about Lily - how very dare she claim they were in a relationship when they were just having sex for five months! Wonder how Lily rides a horse…
Elsewhere Lily is corroborating Lucy’s claim, telling Tiff that James ‘had no ambition in life, he just wanted to sleep and watch documentaries about whales,’ or possibly Wales. Was it definitely a documentary, Lily, or a misunderstanding over the phrase ‘free Willy’? Mysteriously, Lily tells Tiff she’s going to have dinner with Sam. Is this just an overly friendly gesture, or has Lily come down with a case of the Jennifer Jason Leighs?
Biscuits tells Sam to pursue Tiff at all costs. ‘If you really want something, you sit on their doorstep. You climb up their window.’ OH, FUCK OFF, BISCUITS! Firstly, something? Also, is it even legal to broadcast a recommendation to stalk and intimidate the person you fancy? ‘Never give up,’ is what you say to James when he’s struggling in his pursuit of rock knowledge - not fuel for the fire of obsessive love!
The festive, twinkly Christmas vibe is worsened by Mark Francis and Victoria, who corner Toff and start making fun of lovely Ollie, referring to him as a ‘great, big sunflower’. ‘He is my friend,’ asserts an anxious Toff, before Victoria describes him as ‘A cheap, naff, pantomime character…he is tinsel.’ This is especially rich coming from a woman who appears to be carrying the same Louis Vuitton monogrammed Neverfull beloved of would be WAGs circa 2006…Toff takes a deep breath and tells Ollie, who looks sadder than a punctured seaside inflatable.
Daddy Watson has taken James and Lucy for a festive dinner at Quaglino’s, and the atmosphere is a bit weird. Lucy’s whimsical Christmas ritual revolves around an annual watching of Love, Actually - that girl is crazy! - and she thinks that her Dad is a lot like Hugh Grant. Right. Naturally Sam turns up with an angry Lily and ambles over to try and get his feet under the table. ‘Ooooh, cheese! I’d go for the brie!’ he grins, waiting to be asked to tuck in as Clive looks him up and down, his face looking like a man who has smelled a fart that manifested itself in human form. ‘I’m completely in love with Tiff!’ is Sam’s exit line. ‘That’s a nice thing to say,’ says Clive, waving him away like the Queen, after tiring of talking to people from the steelworks factory.
Biscuits bonds with JP and Ollie by forcing them to do some homoerotic commando whisky drinking. Ollie is exhorted to take his underpants off, and gets carried away, flinging them in JP’s face. ‘We’re drinking whisky, we’re naked and we’re men! If you did this in summer, you’d just be weird!’ laughs JP. No, what’s weird is that you think that you’re nude when you’re wearing a kilt and a shirt. Ollie confides in the others about the Mark Francis meanness. ‘Binky wouldn’t be friends with you if you were fake,’ says JP loyally. Awww!
Boulle is briefly back! He forces Biscuits to carry his tree while chatting about pangolins - the only scaled mammals in the world, apparently. He’s been living in Africa and won’t come back because he ‘loves [only] gold,’ and scaly animals. He tells Biscuits that Jess is out of his league, and encourages him to chase a girl on a street corner. ‘Go after it!’ If only Boulle treated human women with the same respect as things that look like anteaters.
After Sam (while wearing a Christmas jumper so unstylish that it could bring a Jacamo sales assistant to tears) tells Louise that he will not rest ‘until Tiff is Mrs Watson! I mean, Thompson!’ it’s time for the traditional awkward festive dinner pardy. Lily, opposite James, is out for blood. ‘You got me Christmas presents,’ she wails, alluding to a worrying My Little Pony teddy purchase from Selfridges at the height of their love. ‘I got Digby a Christmas present, I’m not fucking marrying him,’ hisses James. ‘I’m like a dog?’ wails Lily, as a smirking Biscuits shouts loudly about how delicious the ham is. The trouble with having an old Etonian prime minister who has a troubling relationship with pork products is that it is now very hard and upsetting to watch any posh person really tucking into their ham.
There’s more. Ollie asks Mark Francis why he’s being a ‘dick’, Mark tells him to take his language outside and Ollie gears up for fisticuffs, as bloody Victoria sits silently grinning while her friend is accused of bullying Ollie using her words. Mark blathers and blusters and claims to find the whole thing funny. We’re terrified that he might be about to say ‘banter’. Mark’s reaction is horrifically unchic, and instead of apologising he turns on a weeping Toff. What is going on?
Worse still, Sam drags Tiff outside for a balls out declaration of love featuring specially commissioned romantic jewellery delivered by an owl! And she’s into it! Sam, if you ever, ever hurt her again, we’re setting up a change.org petition and having you extradited to the Outer Hebrides. You have been warned. Merry Christmas, everybody!
Hero of the week
Let’s give it to Binks and JP for finally giving us what we want and being so goshdarn adorable together. They’re sharing their love, and doing Christmas right! Joy to the world! Their sneaky dinner selfie was just too cute!
Villain of the week
We never thought we’d say this, but Mark Francis, your conduct is shocking! If you don’t apologise to OIlie and resolve to be a bit more of a gentleman, you will be getting coal in the places where Asprey boxes should be. Most unfestive.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Made In Chelsea 10.9 Mytton Is A Rat, Sam And Ollie Have A Chat And JP Won’t Go To Binks’ Flat
Made In Chelsea 10.6 - Rosie Has Purple Wee, Spencer Angles For A Three And Binky Loves JP!
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.